Let’s Keep the "The" in These

We’re sometimes reminded to “Keep the X in Y” — Christ in Christmas… memories in Memorial Day… Hal in Halloween, etc. An admirable goal, to be sure—remembering the true meaning of longtime observances—but one that need not be limited to these few special occasions. Indeed, every day is an opportunity to celebrate something, and then to keep that something in the celebration, though if you have an unruly kid, you might want to leave the “brat” out of the “celebration.”

Sunday. We should all strive to keep the Sun in Sunday. After all, if the Sun weren’t important, we wouldn’t have named a day for it. Also, if it weren’t for the Sun, we wouldn’t be here to be naming days. Our sun—the Sun—is an almost perfectly spherical star made of hot plasma at the center of our solar system, approximately 150 million kilometers from Earth. BUT that doesn’t mean it can’t be in your heart. Not literally, of course, since the Sun has a diameter of about 1,392,684 km and is so hot that it would atomize you instantly if you even tried to just wrap your arms around it to give it a hug. But, still, even if you can’t keep the Sun in your chest cavity, you can keep it in your Sunday, every Sunday.

Monday. Monday is the day to keep Mo in, of course. Which Mo is up to you. “Mo” or “MO” might refer — according to your preference — to any of the following:

  • Altria Group, formerly Philip Morris (with the New York Stock Exchange symbol “MO”)
  • Microsoft Office
  • Missouri (according to the United States Postal Service)
  • Modern Orthodox Judaism
  • Moscow Oblast

…and many others. And we’re building some “Mo”mentum now!

Tuesday. Although it’s the third day of the week—since they keep telling us that the week begins on Sunday—this is the day to keep 2 in. The simplest way to keep 2 in Tuesday is by doing everything twice. In the morning, when you get out of bed to greet the day, get back in bed, get out again, take two showers, brush your teeth twice, and have two cups of coffee. Take twice the vitamins you do on other days. Drive to work, then drive home, then drive back to work. (Do the same, in reverse, at the end of the day.) Eat two lunches. Wash your hands twice before leaving the restroom. Then perform your functions again, and then wash your hands again. And again. Each time you wash your hands, use two paper towels, or turn on the electric air dryer twice, even though once is usually too long. Now read this paragraph again.

Wednesday. This is another day that offers a choice: Either keep the “wed” in Wednesday by getting married, or honor the “nes” by playing with your classic Nintendo Entertainment System. Whichever you choose, consider calling on your friend Ed—to be in the bridal party or to be your Player Two—and in that way put an overlapping extra “we” and extra “ed” in Wednesday as well.

Thursday. On Thursdays, watch Ben Hur. No matter how many times you see the award-winning film, there will always be something new to discover and enjoy. Did you know that there are scenes in which extras are wearing wristwatches… even though the movie takes place in AD 26? If you happen to lose track of time and watch Ben Hur on a Tuesday, watch it twice.

Friday. According to some ailing and institutionalized historians, Friday was originally “Fryday,” referring to the preferred method of preparing fish, traditionally eaten by those who abstained from eating meat on the sixth day of the week. Here is a simple recipe for fried fish:

Heat a heavy pan over medium high heat. Season one large or two small fish fillets with salt and pepper. Lightly dredge fish in flour, shaking off any excess. When the pan is hot, add 2 tablespoons of canola oil (4 tablespoons if Tuesday), followed immediately by one tablespoon of butter. As soon as foaming subsides, place the fish in the pan. Cook until a golden crust forms on the fish. Flip and do the same. Cook until the fish skin turns golden brown, then remove to a warm plate. Make a sauce of another tablespoon of melted butter, the juice of one lemon, and one tablespoon of drained capers.

Saturday. Keep the turd in Saturday. But privately, please.

Matthew David Brozik religiously keeps the dot in matthewdavidbrozik.com.