BERKELY, CA – On March 18th UC Berkeley’s student senate voted 16 to 4 in favor of divesting from companies that profit from the Israeli occupation…Jonathan Kessler of the American Israeli Political Action Committee said, “We’re going to make sure that pro-Israel students take over the student government and reverse the vote. That is how AIPAC operates in our nation’s capitol. This is how AIPAC must operate on our nation’s campuses.”
–The New York Times
March 20th – The powerful pro-Israel lobby AIPAC has taken new steps to ensure the continued support by the student body. The group is now vowing to replace the captain of the ultimate Frisbee team and co-chairs of the Slam Poetry club. “If ExpressionZ will not use their spoken word performance art to stand with Israel, we will find someone who will,” said a representative of AIPAC.
March 23nd – The annual Homecoming Games at UCLA have been marred by controversy as agents of the Iranian Revolutionary Guard have moved to unseat the strongly pro-Israeli leadership of the Greek Council. “First we will defeat the stooges of the American-Zionist regime at the traditional tricycle race, couch-burning, and flip-cup contests,” said a defiant representative of Iran at the model UN. “Then we will wipe them off the beer-pong table.” The Iranian delegation to the model UN is already facing sanctions over their alleged production of highly enriched marijuana.
March 30th – Hard on the heels of the recent peace agreement that put an end to the decades long conflict between jocks and nerds, new tensions have sprung up at America’s universities, this time among agents of foreign governments, intelligence agencies, and industries that have infiltrated student organizations. Experts suggest that it may no longer be possible to identify sources of campus conflict based on traditional groupings like meatheads, preppies, geeks, dirty hippies, or the lacrosse team. “We must look instead at a web of subtle international governmental and non-governmental associations that have begun to commandeer our campuses,” according to a RAND Corporation report.
April 12th – With the rise of lobbying of all kinds on-campus, increasing numbers of students are turning to non-traditional spring break destinations. One contingent that spent its break in North Korea has nothing but praise for the hospitality they received in the rogue Communist dictatorship. “It is the sacred duty of all young people to defend and glorify the ideology of Kim Jong-Il,” said one Boston University party-goer just back from a re-education jaunt in Pyongyang. “I mean, you never hear about the revolutionary and bodily purity of the North Korean people!” said Duke Junior Mike Malone, adding that no one he saw was in a concentration camp.
April 15th – Financial experts have concluded that the increasing number of college students in thrall to foreign governments is at least in part a result of a faltering economy, as graduates in the US find themselves under the burden of usurious student loans and a job market the worst since the great Depression. Investigations show that many have discovered that becoming undisclosed agents of foreign powers is an increasingly viable career option. “Their own country clearly has no use for them, so even Philosophy majors can secretly become lobbyists for any number of foreign institutions,” said a National Security Agency official who requested anonymity for fear of reprisals by those same groups.
As I write this dispatch on my brand-new iPad, I feel compelled to add that I’m struck by the glorious partnership between The Republic of Uzbekistan and The United States. Like most US young people, I like to surf the web, while texting and tweeting my friends, all of whom agree that Uzbek President Islom Karimov is a leader of vision and purpose whose commitment to human rights, a free press, open democratic elections, and the distribution of free iPads is unparalleled. I see no reason why this alliance between our two great nations should not continue well into President Karimov’s fourth, fifth, and even sixth terms.
Will Menaker is a drain on society whose writing has nevertheless appeared on The Huffington Post, The Raw Story, and Talking Points Memo.