Monster Mash-Ups III

By Robert Brenner

                                      (Special Halloween Edition)

“They did the Mash, they did the Monster Mash.”

          —Bobby “Boris” Pickett

“An American Werewolf In London Fields,” by Martin Amiss

     SYNOPSIS: While on vacation in an apocalyptic London overrun by werewolves sometime in the near future, a decent but dimwitted American guy named Guy gets bitten. He soon is drawn into a bizarre lovers’ triangle with two other werewolves:  would-be darts champion Keith and femme fatale Nicola—emphasis on the fatale. Nicola has grown tired of an immortal existence and wants to provoke either Guy or Keith to shoot her through the heart with a silver bullet. Unreliably narrated by Sam, an aging werewolf dying of the mange.

     BACK-COVER BLURBS: “You’ll howl with delight!” “A hairy situation! The fur really flies in this one!”

     MARKETING TIE-INS: Warren Zevon will come back from the grave to record a new version of “Werewolves of London” expressly for this edition. (The publishers are glad they didn’t sign that marketing tie-in with the remake of “The Wolfman”—it died at the box-office.)

      MAJOR THEMES: Man’s animal instincts. Woman’s animal instincts. Bestiality.

“Twilight’s Children,” by Salman Gushdie
      SYNOPSIS: On the eve of Indian independence, a group of children are born with extraordinary abilities. Some are werewolves, some are vampires, and some are just incredibly hot. Can they learn to unlive together peacefully, or is partition inevitable? One sexy young lycanthrope with enhanced olfactory abilities decides to try to sniff out the truth—then moves to London to get with Nicola from “An American Werewolf In London Fields.”

      BACK-COVER BLURBS: “Will surely curry favor with the public and the critics alike!” “A spicy masala of sex and supernatural hijnks.”  “I issue a fatwa—you must buy this book!”

    MARKETING TIE-INS: Watch for the exciting sequel, “The Satanic Curses”: once a month, a beautiful sexy woman is possessed by the devil and splits into two evil, opposite twins!

      MAJOR THEMES: The allure of the Other.  The incredible freaking hotness of the Other.

“Waiting For Godzilla,” by Samuel Wreckett

     SYNOPSIS: In a timeless, nameless wasteland, two drunken Japanese salarymen swill sake,  play pachinko, and discuss the meaninglessness of existence. After three hours of this tedium,  a giant lizard—symbolizing American imperialism in the Bikini Islands—steps on them, obliterating their empty, futile lives.

     MARKETING TIE-INS: Smucker’s will introduce a special commemorative Godzilla Toe Jam that glows in the dark. With a name like Smucker’s, you know it must be radioactive.

      BACK-COVER BLURBS: “I don’t know what it means, but I know that I like it—I think!” “Like watching paint dry—I mean a timeless tale of suspense!”

      MAJOR THEMES: The meaninglessness of plot, or character development, or major themes.

“Eat Pray Kill,” by Elizabeth Guillotine

    SYNOPSIS: A beautiful, successful, divorced young woman goes on a spiritual quest to  India. She gets more than  she bargained for when  she encounters a group of sexy young werewolves and vampires—no, that’s “Twilight’s Children.” She gets more than she bargained for when she encounters a cult  of Thuggee cannibals. She loses her heart to  the handsome, charismatic leader of the cult—then her  lungs  and her kidneys. What will remain of her—and will there be enough leftovers for a sequel?

     MARKETING TIE-INS: Watch for the exciting movie adaption, starring Julia Roberts and directed by Eli Roth. At last, a role Ms. Roberts can throw herself into, body and soul.       BACK-COVER BLURBS: “A profound and profoundly disturbing book. It will get under your skin–and down to the soft, tender, yummy parts.” “You will never look at ladyfingers the same way again.”

     MAJOR THEMES: Woman’s spiritual hunger.  Man’s visceral hunger. Meat.

Robert Brenner’s work has appeared in New York Magazine, the Huffington Post, Open Salon, and Happy. He lives in New York City with his wife.