Oil Solutions

By Dan Bergstein

To: Oil Clean-Up Department

From: VP Scott Scott

Subject: Oil Spill

Stop everything! The  dome and top-hat ideas were stupid. I’m not even sure why we thought putting a dome or haberdashery over the oil leak would save the earth. Plus, once the media realizes that we made the dome from rainforest wood, seal hides, and bricks stolen from an underfunded public school, they’re going to have another field day ripping us apart.

Not to worry. I’ve come up with some other surefire or maybefire solutions to clean up the oil in the Gulf, thanks to talking things over with my six year-old son Joel and his friend Ethan (both of whom have been swiftly promoted to Assistant Vice Presidents thanks to these ideas, even though Ethan still has to check with his mom first.)

Joel was quick to point out that the oil leak could be stopped if we turned the Earth upside down. Doing so would make the oil pour back into the Earth. At first I laughed at him, but then I realized the cost to invert the Earth using rockets and super-magnets would still be substantially less than it would cost to clean up the oil. So it’s worth a shot. Harris Miller, Vice President of Rockets and Magnets, is currently looking into it. There is a protocol for inverting the Earth, according to Miller, but it hasn’t been updated since 1953, and is currently rather racist. He’s reworking the language.

In the meantime, we may wish to look into Ethan’s idea. According to Scootch (we all call him Scootch. Not sure why), if we drain all the water from the Gulf of Mexico, the only thing left would be oil. “Having a big pit of oil wouldn’t be that bad,” said Scootch. “Then, when your car is out of gas, you could go to the pit to get some oil.” I like this idea, but before we drain the Gulf, we need to set up fences along the coastline.  Then we will charge people a $25.00 admission fee to come in and scoop up as much oil as they want. We can actually profit from the cleanup!

Ethan said we could drain the ocean with sponges or “like a cool hose that would squirt the water into another ocean or maybe outer space, or maybe Texas. And it would be all like [makes hose noises while pretending to hold the hose] Suckers!”

Both Joel and Scootch recommend we look into magic crystals. Joel claims he has a few of these in his room. They look like common geodes, but they could react differently, magically, when placed in oily water. Scootchy also said that he’s willing to sell us his magic rocks that he collected on his field trip to the Arlington Slate Quarry. His asking price is $4, but after we sic Emma Klein from Sales on him, that price should drop to $3.40. (Emma, it should help negotiations if you mention basketball and how much you hate raspberry-flavored things.)

Other ideas include using time-travel, filling the leak with old blankets, moving to the International Space Station (this led to a rather interesting discussion between the boys regarding what happens if you break the law in space. We NEED to look into that),  freezing the ocean like a big ice cube, and something about using a big slide and crane and a submarine. (I didn’t really follow what they were saying at this point as the boys became over-excited and were running and yelling.) 

Anyway, one of these ideas is bound to work, and I really think we should put Joel and Ethan on the bonus track.


Dan Bergstein thinks Sirius Satellite Radio is spelled Serious Satellite radio.

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