Other Charges May Apply

Thank you, TelAll Wireless customer. Please review your summary of charges below. Remit payment to TelAll Communications within three hours. 

Summary of Account #489-929-3329

Usage Charges:

Monthly Access Charges — $39.99

Data Charges — $29.99

200 Free (Non-Consecutive) Minutes — $0.00

200 Free (Non-Consecutive) Minutes Overage Penalty — $89.00

State Tax — $5.17

State Surcharge — $9.92

Shelly’s Surcharge — $10.44

Neighboring State Tax — $19.00

Lost or Stolen Insurance Fees — $40.00

Dial Tone Generator — $1.82

Portability Surcharge — $4.90

In-Coming Calls — $0.89

Out-Going Calls — $53.09 ($0.06 per verb [Part of the "You Want It Noun" Service Package])

Paper Billing Statement — $6.00

Postage for Billing Statement — $12.00 (Sent via TelAll Premium Shipping Service from TelAll’s underwater headquarters.)

Billing Statement Shipping Insurance — $9.40

On/Off Functionality — $1.12

Monthly Funds to Create TelAll’s Unique and Memorable Advertisements — $11.00

Voice Mail — $2.00

Voice Mail Access — $17.00

April Surcharge — $8.00*

*Actually, that should be $17.00, this being a Leap Year.

Pay by Money Surcharge — $2.00

Support the Wetlands (Mandatory Donation) — $20.00/month, and 4 weekends a year of your time.

Daily Activation Fee — $5.00

TelAll’s Signature “No-Hassle” Reutilizing Signal Modulation Aliasing Fee* — $49.00

*This fee helps reutilize the aliasing from signal modulation.

Explanation of Aliasing Fee — $7.00

Thinking About Switching Providers? — $4.08

Text Messages — [18.5 Messages per Month] $4.00

Verbal Messages — [19 Messages per Month] $10.00

Unsent Message that You Were Thinking about Sending — $10.00

Wrong Numbers — $1.07

Worse Numbers — $2.09

Fee to Prevent Phone from Recording Your Conversations and Sending Them to the Government — $48.00

Phone Will Not Candid Take Photos of You, Particularly in Restrooms — $12.00

Panda Insurance — $0.03

Fee for Those Who Read This Sentence — $0.14

Fee for Those Who Failed to Read the Above Sentence — $0.14

Matter Fee* — $1.93

*Is your phone made of matter? Matter doesn’t come cheap. As we say at TelAll: “Matter is a limited resource.”

Late Fee — $1.00

Early Fee — $2.39

Perfectly Timed Fee — $0.98

Checking Your Phone Too Often Fee — $1.22

Fee for Those Who Thought The Artist Was Actually Good — $8.00

Olympic Fee — $4.00

Dual Gate Processing Router and Heat Sink — $23.00

Monthly eNewsletter  — $1.00

Ability to Delete Monthly eNewsletter from Your Inbox — $3.00

Air Data Interface Sub-Rate — $26, as per FCCA ruling 178-H as it relates to those using wireless signals without written consent from birds or appropriate bird representatives.

Surcharge Because You’re Asking Too Many Questions — $4.00

Forgetting to Call Heather about That Thing — $2.00

Non-Connecticut Resident Penalty — $1.66

Fee Because You Once Said a Swear Word over the TelAll Network* — $49.00

*According to Shelly.

Activation of TelAll’s Premium Busy Signal, Composed and Orchestrated by John Williams — $5.09

Surcharge Down Payment* — $2.30

*Charge added towards next month’s bill. Charge will show up on forthcoming statements as “Delay Penalty Escalation Fee.” Do not disregard.

Delay Penalty Escalation Fee — $4.60

Support the Troops — $9.44

Support TelAll CEO Albert Thedmore’s Palliative Care, When It Becomes Necessary — $11.99

Rabbits — $13.00

The Numbers 8 and 9 Activation Fee — $4.00

Data Tax — $2.00

Devices That Are Flat and Non–Perishable Tax — $9.00

Recommended Tip — $38.00

Total Bill Calculation — $489.00*

*This is not you bill total, but the fee for TelAll to calculate your total bill.

Thank you for your swift payment. Questions? TelAll would love to hear from you. Contact Shelly by pressing the #7 on your phone for 17 minutes. (Button Holding Fees and Customer Service Fees may apply.)

Dan Bergstein is a writer whose work has appeared on Twitter.