Our New Restaurant

By Jason Reich

We are pleased to announce the grand opening of our new restaurant, under the direction of Chef Beaufort Dacquoise, admired in culinary circles around the world for his innovative new pan-Asian country peasant-style molecular gastronomy cuisine. Chef Dacquoise’s first restaurant, “D’Acquoise,” received two Michelin stars, four stars from the New York Times, and earned Chef Dacquoise the Windsor Award for Outstanding Achievement for Pretentious Facial Hair.

Chef Dacquoise will be joined at our new restaurant by an accomplished staff, including his experienced sommelier, trained fromagere, bottled-water taster, salt crystal-expert and table-side pedicurist. Each of our culinary experts has been handpicked by our culinary-expert-elier, who has trained for forty years with some of the culinary world’s top experts in culinary experts. Chef Dacquoise will also be accompanied by his long-time sous-chef, as well as his dialect coach, who will instruct the waitstaff in correcting your mispronunciation of menu items with just the right amount of hauteur.

The menu will be available as a prix fixe for $375 or an all-you-can-eat buffet for $2700.

All of our livestock is certified humane. Our free-range chickens nest on beds crafted from 1200-thread-count Egyptian cotton, and our cattle enjoy a 100% organic diet, bi-weekly spa treatments, art-based psychotherapy sessions, and occasional weekend getaways to an all-inclusive resort in Anguilla. Similarly, our produce is grown entirely via sustainable and environmentally friendly methods. All ingredients are sourced locally and shipped to the restaurant on the backs of specially trained worker ants with US-Congress-level health insurance. Our certified drug-free, urine-tested farmers use only 18th-century agricultural implements and no synthetic fertilizers, pesticides, genetically modified organisms, or overly dirty soil. Suppliers in violation of our stringent standards are immediately administered a 100% organic cruelty-free lethal injection, and their lifeless bodies are used for composting.

Our restaurant makes its home in a converted 17th century farmhouse featuring the original oil lamps and an atmosphere consisting entirely of authentic air siphoned from a 300-year-old French chateau and shipped to us in airtight glass containers. The  intimate three-table dining room is located one half-mile from the main barn in what was formerly a feed storage shed. Reservations are accepted for parties of one or two.

Because of high demand for seating, reservations are available on a first come-first serve basis by logging on to our Website 90 days prior to your desired reservation date. The reservation system opens at precisely 10 am and closes eight seconds later. Guests who register within the allotted time will be given an address. At that address, you will be approached by a man with a briefcase, who will administer a short quiz on Chef Dacquoise’s prize-winning pedigreed Tibetan Mastiffs. A passing grade entitles you to select one of ten keys from the briefcase, each of which opens a different locker at Newark Liberty International Airport,  each of which in turn contains an African burrowing cobra. One snake holds two confirmed reservations to our new restaurant in its jaws. If the cobra kills you, your credit card will automatically be charged a $500 cancellation fee.

On behalf of Chef Dacquoise and all of us at our new restaurant, we look forward to making you feel uncomfortable, unwelcome, and unbearably self-congratulatory while eating unusual food in a public place.

Cash only.

Jason Reich is a television writer whose credits include The Daily Show with Jon Stewart and VH1’s Best Week Ever.

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