Outsource It, Inc.

At first, you weren’t sure – should you outsource jobs for your company? You were nervous when you sent the first department’s assignments overseas, but it was just first-timer jitters. You got over it fast and began a crusade to externalize all of your company’s internal activity.  Any job could be shut down and reopened somewhere else. Hell, you’re so addicted to outsourcing now that you’ve even thought about sending your own job across the pond. There’s nothing left to outsource–right? Wrong!

Allow me to introduce myself – my name is Richard Hill, and I am the president of Outsource It, Inc. Ok, that’s not true – Richard Hill actually outsourced the job of writing promotional letters for Outsource It, Inc., or at least that’s what I think it’s called – we recently had our own company-naming work outsourced as well.

Here at Outsource It, Inc., we believe in one simple principle – there’s always something to outsource. Do you build birdhouses? Solve crossword puzzles? Enjoy cooking a hearty meal for you and your family every night? Well, we’ll have the birdhouses made for you in Madrid. The crossword puzzles will be done in Dubai. As for the cooking, that’ll go to a small island in the Caribbean. We’re right now in the process of outsourcing the food-delivery system that will bring it to your home.  

What’s that about the Caribbean? Haven’t you and your wife been meaning to take a vacation? No need to worry! We’ve already outsourced your vacationing. Give us the word and we’ll fly two employees to Jamaica to drink Piña Coladas until they drunkenly make love in a hammock on the beach so you don’t have to!

Still not sold on our services? Then check out this testimonial–or hire someone to check it out for you. It’s from Ted Simms, one of our best customers: “Outsource It, Inc., has changed my life. I am eternally grateful to the people who work there. Without them, I would have never been able to pursue my dream of doing nothing!”

What do you think about that? Seems a bit vague, maybe? Maybe even made up? That’s because it is! Mr. Simms didn’t want to deal with the stress of having to write an Outsource It, Inc., testimonial, and so you’ll just have to guess how he handled the problem…. You’re right!

In fact, Mr. Simms  has outsourced nearly 100% of his daily activities. For a while, all he needed to do was call us up and check to make sure everything had been properly outsourced each day. Then we outsourced answering that call and that company outsourced it, too! Then whoever they are outsourced it again. Now nobody even knows if anything is getting done anymore! Mr. Simms mostly just sits in an empty room and questions his existence–or he would, if we hadn’t outsourced that job to our new Do I Exist Office in Qatar.

So don’t wait! Or have somebody else not wait for you. Sign up for Outsource It, Inc., today. Better yet, let us handle that. We would say “That’s our job,” if we hadn’t outsourced it.  

Sean Adams is a humor writer living in the midwest.  His work has been featured on McSweeney’s, The Bygone’s Bureau and elsewhere.