Please Respect My Privacy

            As you all know, I had a bit of an incident this past weekend.  I am doing fine.  A little banged up, but I’ll live.  I am issuing this statement to acknowledge my wrongdoing and ask that my privacy be respected. What happened this weekend was a private matter between me and my wife.

            I am not perfect.  I sometimes make mistakes, and just like anyone else, I sometimes lose control while riding a Day-Glo unicycle through a crowded mall.  But again, that is a private matter between me, my wife, and the half-dozen disabled veterans I injured when I attempted that 360 flip.  I ask that you respect my privacy, which I so deeply value.

            I am human.  Believe it or not, even I have trouble maintaining balance on a unicycle after ingesting several pints of Grey Goose vodka.  The fact that I suffered several scratches to my body should not be newsworthy.  Also like any other human, I am capable of being scratched when I crash through the window of a Wicks n’ Sticks while naked.  But my incident of indecent exposure and destruction of property in a crowded mall is a private matter between me, my wife, the veterans, the staff and clientele of Wicks n’ Sticks, the police department,  and of course, all the fine people over at Grey Goose vodka.

            Being a celebrity isn’t easy.  How would you like it if every time you left the house, just trying to mind your own business and run onto a crowded freeway covered in gold body paint while screaming about a possum apocalypse, there was a news van waiting to capture the whole thing on camera.  Imagine if you couldn’t walk into an elementary school wearing nothing but a makeshift crown of thorns and a diaper without worrying that someone might try and take your picture.  In short, imagine if you could never commit a crime in a public place without worrying about your privacy being violated.  Sound like America to you?  Not to me it doesn’t.

            I’m not complaining.  I’m just asking that I be shown the same courtesy as any other high-profile American who breaks the law and then tries to hide from scrutiny for many, many days.  This is a private matter between me, my wife, all those people at the mall, on the freeway, at Grey Goose vodka, the police who are presently knocking on my door, and the cameraman I’m about to assault while he is recording the entire incident for network television.  I just want to be left alone.

            Thank you for your understanding in this difficult time.

Bob Powers is the author of several books of humor, including The Werewolf’s Guide To Life and Happy Cruelty Day. He lives in Brooklyn, NY.