Luring the Lithuanian-American Vote
Leaked Note Campaign Headquarters:
Attention Staff: This election will be won or lost based on the will of the Lithuanian-American population. I don’t need to tell you that the candidate who holds these citizens in his hands controls not only the election, but all major U.S. politics and some Canadian politics too. The problem is how to get the mighty Lithuanian–Americans to the polls?
Step one is to stop using the nine-syllable nomenclature of “Lithuanian-American.” It’s too long. “Lithuanians” will do. Step two is to identify Lithuanian-Ame–Lithuanians. This is very difficult because they look just like some of you and maybe me. For the sake of the campaign, we should treat all potential voters as if they are Lithuanian until we figure out some sort of identification protocol. Do all Lithuanians wear hats? That would make this easier. Once we find a few Lithuanians, we must follow them back to their secret lair and study their common denominators from a safe distance.
The next phase involves tailoring a speech specifically for this group. We must press the issues that concern them the most. Where do they stand on environmental issues? Are they for or against big government? Can they see in the dark? Is it true that they have lightning for blood and how does that relate to universal healthcare?
With these questions answered, we will craft the perfect speech, even if it means redefining our campaign. If Lithuanians think birds are evil, guess what–we’re going to crack down on birds. We need to speak directly to them, even if that requires us to ignore every other race and gender. (Can Lithuanians be women? I assume so, but let’s not jump to conclusions and make an ass of ourselves. Carl, look into this. Have Margret help you if you’re swamped collecting data on possible Lithuanian tunnels.)
Then we will pour all of our resources into direct mail. We’ve already worked on a few slogans for a flyer. Such as:
-Don’t hurt us with your mind-powers, ye powerful Lithuanians.
-Lithuanian? More like Rich-uanian, after we’re done with ya! Vote!
-Our opponents want to hurt you and imprison your baby. For reals! Vote for us, or else.
-You are very attractive and tall.
The week before the election, we should probably take as many Lithuanians to the movies as possible. They’d probably really like that Secretariat movie. And then we can slip them each $5. I think there’s some money left in our marketing budget, and it’s only illegal if we make eye-contact with them, right? Carl, look into this.
To lock up the vote, we must make sure our opponent doesn’t find out about the precious and numerous Lithuanian voters. We need hide them at Jerry’s house. (Jerry, talk to Pete in accounting. He’ll hook you up with some petty cash for food and bedding.) If our opponent gets suspicious and asks where all the Lithuanians went, we just whistle and say, “Lithuanians? They’re not real. They were made up, like leprechauns, Santa Claus, and Michael Jordan.”
On Election Day, we will each take turns driving the Lithuanians to the polls. I can fit four people in my car.
Folks, we didn’t come all this way just to come in second place. With your help, and the help of the enigmatic Lithuanians, we will win this election. Then we can suck up to the Scandinavians and take over the world!
Dan Bergstein has never gone fishing, and hopes the fish appreciate and remember this during the coming Fish Wars.