Rock the Vote — Part IV

                                                                 Luring the Virgin Vote

Polling data don’t always speak the truth. This is why some candidates in this election are ignoring the polls and going after voters who, according to surveys, don’t even exist. Political analyst and former political athlete Martha Jones explains, “If you ask a male virgin if he’s a virgin, he will say no. And then the polling data say all male voters are sexy people who have sex. But the reality is some voters are virgins. Some have never even kissed a girl, and it’s important for a candidate to ignore the surveys and go after these secret folks.”

This new tactic called The Virgin Ploy explains the recent rise in ad slogans such as, “Girls are scary,” “Stop Stressing About Sex,” and “It’ll Happen When It Happens.” While polling data show these ads are hurting the campaign, candidates are hoping that when the voters are alone in the voting booth, they will be honest and vote for the candidate who spoke to them when no one else would.

Richard M. (last name redacted, but it rhymes with “dump truck”) said, “I thought I was the only one who has never seen a nude lady. But then I saw the ad on TV and now I know who I’m voting for.” Richard is referring to the Democrat’s ad listing famous men who did not experience sex until later in life.  And while some may argue that it’s tough, if not impossible, to prove that Moses, Attila the Hun,  and Sammy Davis, Jr., didn’t see a naked lady until they were in their late twenties, the ads are reaching people nonetheless.

The Virgin Ploy strategy extends beyond sex. Republican Senate candidate Marco Rubio of Florida has publicly admitted that he enjoys Ziggy comic strips, even though such a comment is unorthodox at best and off-putting at worst–if you believe the polls.  But Sally T. of Kentucky loves this approach, saying, “When someone asks if you like Ziggy, of course you say no. Reading Ziggy isn’t cool. But now I’m not alone. I won’t admit it to my family, but Ziggy means the world to me. This is why I’m now a Republican. But don’t tell. You promised.” Too bad, Sally T.  You don’t even live in Florida.

Representative Matthew Zeller of New York has said on several occasions that he not only enjoys the music of Enya, but once saw her in concert and it was amazing – a claim that was welcomed by secret Enya lovers around the country. The polls say he will lose by a significant margin because he gave up the “cool vote,” but according to the Virgin Ploy theory, he may just walk away with a win.

The Virgin Ploy is not without significant problems. Some candidates are now lying about their guilty pleasures and secret pasts in hopes of luring potential voters. Rumor has it that a certain congresswoman who said she always thought John Goodman was sexy was later overhead saying, “Goodman is ugly and I can’t believe anyone would kiss him,” thus breaking the hearts of secret, hidden Goodman fanatics.

And the Governor of Oregon once said he didn’t enjoy “The Breakfast Club” and thought it was pretentious. At first it rallied the heretofore unknown community of folks who also disliked “The Breakfast Club,”  but after a photo leaked showing the governor owned the film on DVD and Blu Ray, his secret supporters vanished. He tried to win them back by saying Avatar was overrated, but his statement fell on deaf ears, because we all sort of agree on that now.

So the Virgin Ploy is a dangerous game to play. It could backfire, as it did when one Congressman wrongfully assumed everyone would secretly love a candidate who admitted to digging cartoon pornography. And when the Pennsylvania governor shouted, “I’m afraid of birds,” it did not have the intended response.

That said, this election is too important to rule out any tactic.  And some candidates are trying it all. A Democratic representative who will not be named said he enjoyed Dungeons and Dragons one day, only to say the following night that the game was for “virgin geeks living in their parent’s basement.” He then tried to look cool by smoking a cigarette.  This is the Confusion Ploy, which is intended to attract confused voters. We’ll soon find out if it works.

Dan Bergstein is going to the bakery. If you need anything, let him know now, but be sure it’s something bakery-related, because he’s not making two stops.