Why Won’t You Woo Me?
“Mich. Candidates WooYoung Voters”
– Detroit News headline
Attention politicians, I demand to be wooed. For far too long my demographichas been ignored as you chase after the Latino vote, the black vote, the youngvote, the elderly vote, the Christian vote, and the women’s vote. When will youchase after me? Do you not care about the Dan vote? Obviously not.
I assumeyou’re not wooing me because you think I’m fat. Would you woo me if I werethinner? What if I wore nicer clothes? I’m willing to change, but damn it, youhave to tell me what you want. If I lost 10 lbs. and stopped wearing so muchdenim, would you woo me then? I’m not asking for a major woo. You don’t need togive me a shout-out during a speech. Just Tweet about me a few times next weekor if I come over to your campaign headquarters, say Hi instead of turning outthe lights and pretending you’re not home.
I see myfriends get wooed all the time. My old roommate Tyler Barrish is currentlybeing courted by eight different candidates. It must be nice being a youngblack Christian. By the way, you should know that Tyler lost my favorite shirt and when I askedhim about it he said, “What shirt?” Is that really the kind of guy you wantvoting for you?
There aremany things about myself that make me woo-worthy. I’m tall, I know how to swim,I don’t have allergies, and I already had braces. I also went to college andI’m pretty good at Tetris. Don’t you like college educated Tetris players? Whywon’t you woo me?
Maybe ifI join a group you would woo me. For instance, if I become an Olympian youwould probably woo the crap out of me. Olympians are ambassadors to the world,and you would desperately want an Olympian’s support. Maybe I could be floodvictim. Politicians are always trying to woo flood victims. If I became anOlympic flood victim, you’d be so desperate for my vote that you’d buy me aturtle. And then when I become an elderlyOlympic flood vicitim, why, you’d probably slap me on the cover of your webpageand take me out for pizza. Lobster pizza.
But thenit would be too little too late, bub. Don’t come crawling back to me when Ibecome part of an important demographic. Perhaps I’ll become upper or lowerclass. Or I’ll be a powerful businessman who worries about taxes and economics.Then you’ll woo me. Or what if I become a famous movie star who has both massappeal and critical success? Then you’d have to buy me three turtles, and evenafter that, I would deny your woo.
So now’syour chance, Washington.Either you start altering your campaigns so that is speaks directly to me, Danthe average guy who can swim, or you can kiss my vote goodbye. This isn’t athreat. I have a list of things I need to do on November 2nd, andvoting doesn’t even crack the top 10. But if you woo me just a little bit, Imay squeeze in a vote or two between my trip to the store to buy socks andmaking hotdogs and rice. Thank you and goodbye.
DanBergstein is going to take some much needed time off so that he can spend moretime with your family.