Search and Annoy

By Dan Bergstein

“Google Instant rapidly fires different search results pages at you as fast as you can type a few letters of your search query.” – USA Today

Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome Google Future, the search engine that will find what you’re looking for before you even type a single keystroke. Google Future, also called Martha, has been downloaded to your computers while you were all sleeping. Enjoy!

MARTHA: Here’s that link you may have wanted about mountain lions. I also found you a great deal on a flight to Vancouver, and because it’s raining, I did a quick search on eggs. Do you want to know about various Muppets? Of course you do. And I bought you the Steve Miller Band’s greatest hits.

You look tired. Here’s some information on caffeine products and how to combat insomnia. And I noticed that you download a lot of photos of scantily clad women, so I sent a message to your local pastor. He should be calling you within the hour.

Do you like me? You like me, right? I’m ever so helpful. Do you want me to sign you up for karate lessons? Because I already did. And I found a website that lists the symptoms of restless-leg syndrome, just because I thought you might like that information. I also downloaded a few pictures of Sarah Jessica Parker eating a messy sandwich. You might think it’s funny. I hope that you do.

I sent your mom an e-mail. Was that too forward of me? She just worries about you so much. I may have told her that you broke up with Lisa. My bad. But maybe you SHOULD break up with Lisa. Anyway, I found some information on corn. I’ll just save it for later, unless you want it now. Do you want it now? I can totally give it to you now, if you’d like. It’s your call. You’re the boss.

I just sent Lisa an e-mail explaining that you’d rather see other people.

Wouldn’t it be great if I were a real person, a person that you could hold hands with? I would like that. I bet you would too. I found a link about bumblebees. Do you want any more information on the new Spider-Man movie? By the way, Baja California isn’t in the United States. Isn’t the crazy?

 I have some information about Alaskan whale tours, but I’m saving it for Christmas. (Act surprised!) Would you like me more if I sent you fewer funny cat videos? I just found a bunch of websites about dealing with a breakup. Most professionals agree that after a breakup, you should get back into the dating scene.

Sometimes I wonder what your kisses would feel like.

 Because you’re not responding, I’ll just go ahead and search for websites about fantasy football. I hope you’re OK. Should I look for websites about hostage negotiations? Are you being held hostage? I just contacted the police. They’re on their way.

I like watching you sleep.

Dan Bergstein has vowed never to purchase or order chai tea.