The Graduate: 2010 Edition

By Edward Small

Mr. McGuire: I just want to say three words to you. Just three words.

Benjamin: Yes, sir.

Mr. McGuire: Credit default swaps.

Benjamin: Exactly how do you mean?

Mr. McGuire: There’s a great future in credit default swaps.

Benjamin: No, I mean what is a credit default swap? I was a philosophy major.

Mr. McGuire: I see. Well, it’s simply a type of credit insurance contract wherein one body makes a series of payments to another body to protect it should a particular debt instrument default.

Benjamin: …What?

Mr. McGuire: Will you think about it?

Benjamin: Sir, I have a lot of student loans to pay off. Can you get me a job or not?  

      ******

Benjamin: For God’s sake, Mrs. Robinson, here we are, you got me into your house, you give me a drink, you put on music, now you start opening up your personal life to me and tell me your husband won’t be home for hours.

Mrs. Robinson: So?

Benjamin: Mrs. Robinson, you’re working for “To Catch A Predator,” aren’t you?

Mrs. Robinson: Benjamin, please. You’re well over 18.

Benjamin: Oh, right.

Mrs. Robinson: Now, would you like to have sex?

Benjamin: Absolutely.  

     ******

Mr. Robinson: I do think you should know the consequences of what you’ve done. I do think you should know that my wife and I are getting a reality show soon.

Benjamin: Look, what happened between Mrs. Robinson and– Excuse me?

Mr. Robinson: Yeah, we know a few execs over at Bravo. They thought a show about our family would make for great ratings. Sort of a Cougartown meets The Osbournes thing. We’re all making $50,000 an episode. So I guess what I’m trying to say is, Thank you.

Benjamin: Gosh, you’re welcome. I guess. Does this mean I can marry your daughter?

Mr. Robinson: Of course not. We ran it by the network. They said it wouldn’t be believable enough.

  ******

Benjamin (pounding on the church window): Elaine! Elaine! Dammit, she can’t hear me…. (Benjamin takes out his Droid)

Benjamin (typing):  Elaine … plz … dont… marry …that … jurk. <3 Ben. And, send. That ought to do it.

Elaine (checks phone, looks up to the balcony): Ben! (Elaine runs up to meet Benjamin)

Benjamin: Elai—oh, one sec. My friend just sent me a link to a video called “Charlie Bit Me.” He says it’s pretty hilarious. I’m just gonna check it out real quick.

Elaine: You still want to get married, right?

Benjamin: Totally! I just need you to sign this pre-nup first. You know, in case it doesn’t work out. I was having sex with your mom a few weeks ago, so I figure we’ve got a 50-50 shot, at best.

Edward Small himself just graduated from Dickinson College.  He interned at The Onion in the summer of 2008 and is a contributor to CollegeHumor.