The iMe

People, I’m up here onstage yet again to introduce the i-Me–the most advanced self-contained communication, entertainment, and connective device in the history of the world. (Applause)

Before you at this very moment stands off-the-chart I.Q. performance and lightning synapses — faster than the fastest micro-chip. Makes every other search engine look Amish. Like: Capital of Delaware? Wilmington! That took only as long as it took to say it! (Loud applause) Watch as the i-Me actually closes its eyes–no sensory input at all — and instantly remembers what it’s wearing: jeans and a black pullover. (More loud applause.)  Did anyone have to mash down on an icon? No! How cool is that? (Louder applause)

And hey!–the i-Me, doesn’t need a plug-in or wires or cables or batteries or even a wi-fi connection. For power supply, plain steamed green vegetables do the trick.  And get this: there are no accessories. Nada! And you don’t need to put the i-Me in a separate tray at the airport. (Tremendous applause)

Look the i-Me over: pretty damn handsome, if I do say so my-Me-self. All this brilliance crammed into a trim hundred and seventy-five pound unit barely six feet high. Not an ounce of plastic anywhere. So rugged, no carrying case needed. Yet portable enough to move from one side of this stage to the other, like this, and back again doing the buck-and-wing all the while.  Does the i-Me look any the worse for wear? (Applause)

I said, No accessories. But apps? We lost count at half a million and –well, just watch as the i-Me unicycles. Showers . Imitates Marcel Marceau . Does jungle birdcalls.  Operates inferior technology gadgets, and continues to give this presentation in between. If you prick the i-Me, does it not bleed and then acquire your company?  Watch carefully as the i-Me raises both hands and makes the V-for- victory symbol.  No wonder: ten super-flexible digits that can’t snap off and a literally infinite number of voice commands.  “Buy more i-stuff!” How’s that for a voice command? (Laughter, applause)   

Operating life is so long we can only guesstimate. I’d put it at ninety years minimum, barring glitches like a fatal virus, or someone taking a hammer to it merely  because it tends to be a little self-congratulatory.

You probably want to know when the i-Me will ship, and its price point. Well, the i-Me you see before you is actually the prototype. The value is incalculable, in i-My opinion, and so there is no price point yet. And, after all, there’s only this one. But, speaking of voice commands, come back next week, and see the first i-Meclone, which will be able answer all your questions and at the same time vigorously pat itself on the back. (Applause)

Bruce McCall is a New York artist and writer whose work frequently appears in the New Yorker and Vanity Fair.