By happy coincidence, the release of my novel comes just in time to take advantage of a whole new suite of technologies in the rapidly evolving world of book publishing.
THE TP SPOOLER: For the ultimate in bathroom reading, the entirety of my book is printed on a 500-sheet roll of two-ply toilet paper. The cardboard core contains an alternate ending.
THE FLINTSTONE: A reading experience that will stand the test of time, the FlintStone Tablet contains 293 barely portable stone tablets, each to be engraved with a page from my book by the attached Oxford-educated pterodactyl.
THE SKYREADER: For the bargain price of $4,995, you can enjoy reading on a sunny day outdoors as a skywriter pens the entire novel out across the sky-blue background. (Airplane fuel and skywriting “ink” not included in the cost).
THE E-READER E-READER: This e-reader displays a smaller e-reader of its own, upon which one may read my book. Also perfect for metafiction or “The Cat in the Hat.”
THE GATSBY READER: The cover of my (or any other) novel is placed over F. Scott Fitzgerald’s 1925 masterpiece. Therefore, when people ask what you are reading, you can tell them, truthfully, that it is the Great American Novel.
LIT CRAWL: While you watch a TV show of your choosing, the text of my book will be displayed across the screen via a news crawl. Who knew “Jersey Shore” and experimental literary fiction went so well together?
ME: For a sandwich (a nice one), I will show up at your home and personally read to you from my book. For an additional cup of soup, I will read to you in bed in a soothing voice, tuck you in, and, as you drift off to sleep, kiss your forehead.
Teddy Wayne is the author of the novel “Kapitoil,” available from Harper Perennial.