Wolf Blitzen: This just in: CNNN has it on good authority that this Sunday, May 12th, will be celebrated all over the United States as Mother’s Day. It’s not clear at this time how many mothers and children will be involved in this dramatic event, but rest assured that our reporters at CNNN will get to the bottom of all the breaking news about the event and we will bring their findings to you as they develop and as our analysts examine the causes, meaning, and probable consequences of this major, major, major, and completely unique and commercially crucial … event.
We go first to Paul Begalala, our Democratic commentator who has graciously joined us here in the studio–essentially, we’ve been informed by highly reliable sources, because he has nothing else to do– to get his reaction to this upcoming occasion which honors the mothers of our great nation, a country that may have been founded by men, fathers, but that has lots of women in it too, reliable sources tell us– many of them mothers, many of them with more than one child, some of whom will call their moms, which–we’ve learned, is what many Americans call their mothers–on this day and many of whom, we have it on good authority, won’t.
Paul, we’ve been told by highly placed sources that Mother’s day once again promises to bring our nation paroxysms of guilt on the part of grown adults who– we’ve been informed by those same sources, who couldn’t conceivably be more highly placed–intend to call their mothers on next Sunday but just somehow “forget” or, as our informants have told us, and we have no reason to doubt this information, claim that their cell-phone service went out. We are trying to establish the veracity of all of these assertion—that there is widespread guilt on this day, that some people “forget,” and that one of the excuses they use is that their cell-phone service has failed, and we are also approaching technological experts about the probabilities involved in such claims of cell-phone outages, but in the meantime, as we await their expertise and that of others involved in the cell-phone industry, if you will, or even if you won’t, we’d like to get your response to this situation, Paul.
Oh, wait—this just in: We’ve just now been informed that my introduction to Paul Begalala’s reaction to this phenomenon may well not be lengthy enough, and so with the aid of our staff here at CNNN, I’ll try, with the assistance of proven experts in the field, to prolong it, after this break. Don’t go away. I said don’t go away! Hey! Come back! We and our reliable sources aren’t done. We’re never done.
Daniel Menaker is the Editor of Grin & Tonic. His memoir, My Mistake, will be published by Houghton Mifflin Harcourt next fall.