Thy Bill Be Done

By BOB POWERS

- This is Doctor Sawyer.
- Yes I have a billing issue.
- Let me connect you to Billing.
- Billing connected me to you.  Billing said you might be able to explain things to me.  My billing issue is complicated.
- I’m really not comfortable discussing the Billing System.
- But the Billing System sent me a bill for services I never received.  I’ve never even visited your office.  But I just got this enormous bill.
- Name?
- Watkins.  Kevin.
- You’re right.  I have no record of you ever visiting this office. 
- The Billing System must have screwed up.
- Please don’t speak that way about the Billing System.
- Fine.  But I don’t have to pay it, do I?
- Of course you have to pay it.  You were sent a bill, weren’t you?
- For medical services I never received.  I haven’t been to a doctor in years.  I don’t have health insurance.
- That’s probably why it’s such a big bill.
- But I shouldn’t have been billed for anything.  You just said I’ve never been to your office.
- But the Billing System has declared that you have.
- The Billing System is wrong.
- Please choose your words carefully.
- I just want this dealt with.
- Look, I don’t know how the Billing System works, and I would never presume to know. The Billing System has a plan for us that we could never comprehend. What you think is a mistake could be a small section of a grand tapestry of billing that goes back for years and years, and will continue far into the future.
- A tapestry?
- A plan.  One that is infinitely greater than its parts.
- So my receiving this bill is part of a larger plan.  One that I could never understand.
- Not until the Billing System decides the time is right to reveal itself to a benighted mankind.
- And if I am a part of this larger plan, my life must not be a meaningless assemblage of humiliating moments that will end as randomly as it began?
- That’s right.
- So all I have to do is pay the bill and my life will have a purpose.
- Small price to pay, I’d say.
- Will you take a credit card?
- However the bill says to do it, just do that.  Trying to pay any other way might anger the Billing System.
- It says you only accept payment in male offspring.  Will you take daughters?
- Male offspring only, I’m afraid.
- I only have daughters.
- Let me connect you to Billing.

Bob Powers is the author of several humor books, including The Werewolf’s Guide To Life and Happy Cruelty Day. He lives in Brooklyn, NY.