Tips for College Students

By Dan Bergstein

     Your life is about to change. You will experience new things, meet new people, and find out what it feels like to cry, laugh, shout, and vomit all at the same time. Before you embark on this journey, read our guide (soon to be a major motion picture), and you can thank us later.

     Girls should wear sweatpants with words on the butt, and then they should act upset when a guy attempts to read the words. Guys should wear stilts, because that would be kind of funny. They should also always wear “protection,” because you never know.


     If your roommate dies, you do not automatically get a 4.0 for the semester. You get a 3.5, and his DVD collection, but only if you weep in his mom’s arms when she comes to collect the body. If the collection is primo but you don’t feel like crying, fake it. It will be good practice for when you dump your girlfriend or boyfriend and tell her/him it’s all your fault.

     -College isn’t so great. Why do you want to go college anyway? Do you think you’re special? Bill Gates never graduated from college. Whatever. I hope you enjoy spending money on something I could teach you for free in my basement. All I need is a DVD of “The Godfather Part 2,” the Beatles “White Album,” and four hours of your time. But you go. Go ahead– be a big shot. We–the God-fearing, gun-owning, anachronistic-pony-tail guys and heavy gals will be here when you come crying back. Then the real lesson begins.
     -Thanks to the Internet, joining a fraternity or sorority, or something vaguely like it, anyway,  has never been easier. Simply set up a user name (such as “LonelyMan10000”) and set up an ingenious password (such as 123459). Then click “Begin Hazing” at which point your inbox will be flooded with angry, hate-filled messages that will break you down emotionally. Three minutes later, click the “Install Friendship” button, and the friendship app will be downloaded instantly. You are now lifelong pals with hundreds of other anonymous.
     -Save money on food by eating the more digestible parts of your clothing and furniture. (When the college tries to charge you for dorm-furniture damage, inflict some small wounds on your arms with the pathetic three-bladed Swiss Army Knife your uncle Jerome gave you for high-school graduation , say they’re  mouse bites, and so it must have been the mice.) Still hungry? Remember that dogs aren’t people, no matter what cutesy, anthropomorphic nonsense you read on facebook about dogs. You should also get a good-quality hot plate that you can use to heat up found cans of beans and found cans of duck meat. (Duck meat is a terrific source of Vitamin J and boron.) What do we mean by “found” and “get”? You’re in college–figure it out.
     -When you come back home for Thanksgiving, everything is going to be different. Your house will smell odd. Your bed will feel strange. And your room will seem smaller. This is a side-effect of canned duck meat.

Professor Types:
     -You can judge a professor based on their attire.  If they wear unusually frumpy, wrinkled clothes, they are going through a divorce and will be cranky.   If they wear unusually neat, tidy clothes, they are going through a divorce and will be cranky. If they wear a cloak, they will teach you about wizarding (or applied mathematics).  If they wear corduroy, you will fail. If they wear buttons on their satchels promoting ideologies, you will pass.
     -It’s important to remember that women can be professors now. But not all of them even at a college or university are professors. So if you spot a woman, don’t assume she is a professor and start whining for a higher grade.

Pro Tip:

     If your roommate passes out, it’s always fun to write on his face with a permanent marker. But avoid low-brow humor such as writing “poop” or”thunderthigh” and instead add a touch of wit by decorating his body with Oscar Wilde mots.
Dan Bergstein can count to any number, though the quadrillions always give him some trouble.