Dear Mr. Perry and Ms. Meyer,
Mr. Perry, your films have made $370 million, and you are the executive producer of two hit cable shows. Ms. Meyer, your Twilight books are a runaway hit, and the film version has broken box-office records. If you two teamed up and made a movie called “Tyler Perry’s New Moon,” I’m telling you (and no one else, because my co-workers here at LoRentFlix have already stolen my idea for hot dog soup, and I can’t take that chance again until the greenlight shines) you would suck up all the U.S. currency in circulation. And I, Eugene Finsky, can help make that dream a reality-a would-be passionate and yet of course superficially Christian, reality.
On the surface, it might seem a bit of a stretch to combine a story about droopily lustful vampires with the faux-soulful African-American characters, but I’m up to the challenge. Before you cast me off as a high school dropout, wannabe filmmaker, know that I have two short films under by belt: The three-minute horror movie called “Blood Thing” which has 24 views on YouTube, and a documentary entitled “Assumptions of Safety,” about drawing on a sleeping roommate with a marker. My co-worker Charlene (who knows a lot about horror movies, and who totally has a boyfriend) said my movies are, “OK, I guess.”
For our flick, we need to replace Twilight’s main character, Bella, the moody girl who moves to gloomy Washington State, with Izzy, the moody girl who moves to sunny Atlanta to live with her tell-it-like-it-is grandma, Madea. Instead of falling in love with a sullen white vampire, Izzy falls in love with a funny black vampire named Eddie C., and I know a thing or two about being funny. Charlene is always rolling her eyes saying, “Eugene, you are hilllllarious.” Here is an example of a gag I wrote: Eddie C. predicts that the phone will ring, and then the phone suddenly rings, and he shouts, “Whoa. I’m psychic! I must have ESPN.” I say this all the time.
Eddie C. is of course very handsome, but what really draws Izzy to him is that he is a responsible single parent. Izzy spends much of the film swooning over the way he raises his daughter. However, until the very end, the brassy Madea has her doubts, saying things like “Vampire? He looks more like a Vamp-liar to me!” (It took me less than an hour to come up with that one.)
Trouble arises when Izzy befriends the shirtless werewolf, Jacob. (Naturally, Ms. Meyer, all male characters can be topless, even the hot, young preachers. Charlene agrees that I would make a great werewolf-“Fangs a lot, Charlene,” I said to her.) Vampires and werewolves are mortal enemies because of … some reason. Anyway, Eddie C. and Jacob argue over Izzy. But before things become physical, Madea steps in and diffuses the situation with her usual sass and maybe a sword.
The movie ends with the monsters learning to live and pray instead of prey together and Izzy realizing that she can accomplish anything…with a little help from family and friends and a black person.
This film is sure to be the biggest movie of all time. Tyler, call Oprah and schedule an interview to promote the film. Stephanie, call Radiohead and see if they’re free to do the soundtrack. I’ll work for scale. I don’t know what that means but I like to say it. Deal? Deal!
Dan Bergstein is a freelance writer and part-time amateur nurse.