Unloading Zing-Ting

ANNOUNCER: It’s Zing-Ting pets! The fun activity kit that turns any household rodent into this year’s must-have toy, just in time for Groundhog Day! Other popular motorized pets are hard to find in stores, and potentially dangerous. Not to mention pricey. Zing-Ting Pets Activity Kits are not only safe but rather painfully plentiful! In fact, if you act now, we will triple your order for free! No doubt later, too.
Each Zing-Ting Pets Activity Kit comes with the following:
1 – Battery – Powered Fun Car
2 – AA Batteries
1 – Felt Hamster Mask (Colors may vary from image shown on box.)
1 – 0.1 Fl. Oz. Container of Mammal Glue
2 – Packets of Animal Treats
1 – Packet of Animal Tranquilizer (DO NOT CONSUME!)
1 – Accessory Kit (Includes tiny plastic sunglasses, purse, Fancy Hat, normal hat, and skater pants.)
2 – Fun Tubes
1 – Piece of Fun Tube Connecting Tape
1 – Zing-Ting Pet Home (a.k.a. The Giggle Box)
1 – Teeny-Tiny Fun Diaper
And it’s so easy to use! Simply lure a live rodent or other small mammal out into the open by using Zing-Ting Pets Brand Rodent Treats. Then, once the animal eats the treat, and trust has been established, feed the rodent another treat that is laced with the animal tranquilizer.
With the rodent sleeping soundly, it’s time to transform this mouse, rat, squirrel, kitten, or baby dog into a genuine Zing-Ting Pet! Simply force on the felt hamster mask. Then, use mammal glue to fasten the creature to the included Battery Powered Fun Car.  Give your Zing-Ting pet a gentle nudge to wake it up, turn on the car, and watch your Zing-Ting pet race across any smooth surface!
For added fun, use the two included Zing-Ting Fun Tubes to create elaborate mazes for your Zing-Ting Pet to drive through. When finished, simply steer the Zing-Ting pet to its Giggle Box, where it will sleep soundly.
Act fast. Buy your Zing-Ting Pets Activity Kit today. If you call right now, we will also include a fourth Zing-Ting Pets Activity Kit at no charge. But wait! Due to a shipping error, and our over-zealous analyst who assured us that these things would sell quickly, our warehouses are overflowing, and so we’re giving away a fifth Zing-Ting Pet Activity Kit to everyone who calls and says the magic word, “Hello.”
If you’re a first-time caller, we will also give you three Zing-Ting Pets Funeral Play Sets. Each of these fun and practical play sets include a hilarious “I’m Just Nappin’ ” Death Box Coffin, a Rubber Glove, a Fun Shovel, three Sadness Tissues, and one Funeral Guest Book that can be decorated with stickers and religious imagery.
And if you act now, we’ll also throw in five or six (or maybe seven!) of our Cuddle Blankets! Just like the expensive and trendy kind, this comfortably blanket/robe is perfect for lounging around the house, giving as a gift, or, more likely,  storing in a closest. It’s available in all sizes from Infant to You’re Joking! So call now! Please? What if we give you a Tickle-Me Keith doll, too? All the kids will love Tickle-Me Keith, the star of Ukrainian Kid’s Show, “Sesame Road.”
Make this Groundhog Day memorable with Zing-Ting Pets Activity Kits and that other stuff we’re giving away.
Dan Bergstein is a writer whose work has appeared above.