Do not take Zazix if you are nursing, pregnant, or planning to become pregnant, or if you are a man experiencing hysterical pregnancy or planning to become hysterically pregnant. People who are taking certain other medications should not take Zazix. Now, if only we could pinpoint those other medications! But we can’t, so good luck to you and your hysterically pregnant husband. Tell your doctor if you plan to go to a Walmart store while you are taking Zazix, as he may want to ask you to pick up a few things for him.  (Also, tell your doctor we said “Whassup, Doc?–thanks for prescribing Zazix! U.S. Open Tennis Final tix are in the mail.”)  If you have any of the following symptoms after beginning Zazix, call your doctor immediately: 

     -sudden loss of anything except car keys

     -playing “This is the church and this is the steeple” alone for more than one hour

     -an election lasting more than one day

     -an overwhelming desire to see all of the 1,232 French movies about dinner parties involving eight people, all of whom have had affairs with everyone else at the table

     -obsessive concern about the hyphen in “Moby-Dick”

     -an overwhelming desire to call your doctor immediately.  

Zazix should be used only as directed. It should not be substituted for any other medication, Miracle-Gro, cayenne, sidewalk salt, or aquarium cleanser. In certain sub-Saharan regions, bootleg Zazix is used as currency, because of the enormous markup–for research purposes only, of course–that we charge for retail sales. Tell your doctor if you are planning to travel to any of these areas, and he will give you a prescription for counterfeit Zazix (Zazzix), indistinguishable to to the naked sub-Saharan eye from the real thing. Zazix has been shown to effective in 56% of the patients who have used it, in comparison to 63% of those given a placebo. What can we say?

If you cannot afford Zazix, we will be glad to tell it to the Marines on your behalf, or you may call 1-800-MARINES.

Daniel Menaker is the Editor of Grin & Tonic.