Welcome to the Thrifty Inn. You might think you’d like a freshly baked chocolate chip cookie, but obesity costs this country over $300 billion a year. Maybe you’d like some water instead. There’s a stream about a mile down the road. We sell bio-friendly portable filtration systems.
I’m Sam, our front-desk manager, head of housekeeping, lead bellman, and the chef at our award-winning restaurant, “Breakfast Not Included.” We save you money by utilizing each member of our staff in a multitude of ways. Do you hear music in the background? That’s our lifeguard, valet parking attendant, and head of security– and she sure can sing.
The latest research shows that your immune system functions best in an environment where your body is exposed to a wide range of bacteria. In that spirit, you’re in luck, because your room hasn’t been cleaned in eleven days. Let me know if you need pillows and we can direct you to the nearest retailer. A towel left on the rack means you’ll use it again. A towel on the floor means we should put it back on the rack. Do you know how to make towels? For every three you have the chance to knit, we’ll cut ten dollars off your room rate. There’s thread in the vending machine.
I have you listed as having reserved one of our deluxe rooms, which means you get to use Outhouse #4. Cholera was initially spread through indoor plumbing systems in the heart of London. We care about our guests, and want to do everything we can to avoid the spread of cholera. On a related note, you will definitely want to avoid the mints we have here at the check-in counter. They are for display purposes only. You don’t know where we found them, and neither do we.
While there is a television in your room– and it may even work– studies show that exposure to electronic screens before the age of two can cause lifelong learning troubles. We believe exposure after the age of two isn’t much better. That’s why, for your protection, we’ve hidden your TV remote somewhere on the grounds of the hotel across the street– where you may also use the fitness room, free of charge, until you are caught.
We’re often asked about smoke detectors and fire extinguishers, in part due to the frequency of fire-related incidents as a result of the off-brand laundry dryers we purchased from the back of a truck parked at a local gas station. Rest assured, smoke detectors and fire extinguishers are available for purchase in our gift shop. Unfortunately, our gift shop is currently closed due to fire damage.
You have unlimited access to our business center. There is plenty of work for everyone. You can start with our accounts receivable, and I’ll find you a new assignment once you’re finished. There is an air conditioner in the business center. If you’d like to install it– and set up an account with the local power company– we’d be happy to charge you for your usage, and we’ll even waive our standard 28% convenience fee. As for the rest of us, we prefer the most efficient temperature control system ever invented– the Earth’s climate. It works for the animals living under most of our beds– it can work for you.
A number of guests are staying with us due to a state-mandated quarantine. Please keep a safe distance away from them. This is unfortunately what happens when you eat the complimentary mints. As I said before, they are just for show. If you parked your car in the lot out front, be aware that we have leased that lot to a local automobile demolition company. If you do need parking, our lot is accessible via shuttle bus. Shuttle buses are available for rent, with a small deposit and proof of insurance coverage. We also apologize for the early-morning noise created by the daily demolition work. Studies do show that waking up early increases productivity– so not only do we apologize, but you’re very welcome.
Finally, let me give you a key card– although we like to think of the Thrifty Inn as a family, and families, of course, don’t lock their doors. Families like ours don’t even think to put locks on doors, because we trust each other, and because locks, to be honest, are not cheap. Your key card– which is made from dessicated bovine innards– in a pinch can also serve as your breakfast. It must be returned at the end of your stay or you will be subject to a penalty. Checkout is is determined by the circadian rhythms of the particular bovine recycled to make your key card. There is an ATM, which also functions as an ice machine, if you wish to trade credit for ice. We hope you enjoy your stay with us– and thank you for choosing to be Thrifty!
Jeremy Blachman recently stayed at a hotel he does not recommend. Read more from him at http://jeremyblachman.com or follow him on Twitter @jeremyblachman.