Miller Vortex [is] a bottle with specially designed interior grooves that “create a vortex as you’re pouring the beer,” according to a rep, who explained that the brand’s goal is to “create buzz and excitement and give consumers another reason to choose Miller.”– BrandWeek
Seeing the success that Millercoors has had in the past few months with their wild new bottle and box designs, we here at Grapes Galore Vineyards decided that it’s time to offer more variety in our own package designs. Being the third largest distributor of twist-off jug wine east of the Mississippi and north of some other places, we need to be on the cutting edge of the low-cost, alcoholic beverage market. So we are excited to announce the following new products:
The Shiraz Shablam! Explosive-Rigged Boxed Wine – $20
A bead of sweat rolls down your forehead. Your hands shake and you almost drop the wire-cutters. All you wanted to do was provide some wine for your friend’s birthday party, but you got more than you bargained for. Is it the red wire or the blue wire? The partygoers crowd around you, barely breathing. The silence in the room is deafening. Red or blue? Which is it going to be? Choose the right one, and you’ll have an easy-to-pour, delicious, full-bodied red wine. Choose the wrong wire, and it’s a bigger bang than any pinata you’ve ever seen. So make the right choice!
White Zinfindel in Glass-Bodied Stratocaster – $300
First, you serenade your lady friend with an epic, soulful guitar solo in her honor. She is in rapture listening to your virtuosic skill. Your shredding comes to a slow, heartfelt conclusion. She opens her eyes: “Is that it?” “No,” you say. Then, you crack open your axe and seal the deal by pouring her a glass of our sweet, fruity White Zin, with a sharp E-string finish on the palate. It’s a combination no woman can resist!
Cab-o-Cabernet Sauvignon – $14,000
It’s been a long day at work downtown, and you’re ready to get home to the comfort of your apartment, maybe even relax with a glass of wine. In no mood to deal with the snail-slow pace of the bus or train, you’ve heard something about our Cab-O service and decide to call for a ride. The cab pulls up, bringing with it a gust of wind. What is that smell in the air? It is bold, assertive, with undertones of cherries and blackberries. You open the back door, ready to tell the driver your address, only to be knocked to the ground by a flood of our excellent Cabernet Sauvignon. The cab speeds off leaving you on the sidewalk, your work clothes, briefcase, and hair deliciously soaked! People step around you, but you don’t care.
Merlotornado – $390,000
Out to fancy bistro with your wife to celebrate your recent promotion, you arrogantly tell the waiter, “I’ll have your most expensive wine.” That’s when the clouds gather outside. The wind picks up speed, rattling the windowpanes with its force. The patrons at the tables around you attempt to continue their conversations over the volume of the developing storm, but all talk comes to a sudden halt when they hear the tornado sirens’ wail. You rush outside onto the patio and see what you had begin to anticipate when you looked back at the menu and saw the name of the most costly wine on the list– a plum-colored cyclone heading straight toward the restaurant, pulling up trees and reducing all the houses in its path to rubble. Its dark, fruity flavor with a gusty finish will be the perfect complement to the salmon dinner you ordered, whether you land back here in Kansas or in Oz.
Sean Adams is a humor writer living in the Midwest. His work has been featured on McSweeney’s, The Bygone’s Bureau, and elsewhere.