Winter Weather Advisory Mathilda

Meteorologists have reported that a perhaps potentially dangerous weather pattern is developing over the mountains in the western part of the state. A Winter Storm Warning, which local weather officials have named “Doreen,” has gone into effect for several counties. ( While typically only storms themselves have been named, we at alarmistweather.com agree that Warnings and Watches, a crucial part of weather panic, deserve some recognition as well.)

Snow is expected to begin falling sometime after 10am in affected areas, and may continue for up to several minutes. As ground temperatures are in the  40s, the snow is not expected to stick to roadways and overpasses, but it will definitely still fall on them.

Snow will also fall on cars, and may stick to them. Snow will likely stick to most cars, but it will only really stand out on darker cars. Owners of white cars are advised to keep in mind that the snow on their cars might be difficult to see—but that it may still be present. Windshields with snow accumulated on them may be difficult for drivers to see out of—in such cases, using windshield wipers is advised. This may be done while driving.

Snow may also stick to and accumulate on raised, grassy areas and outdoor patio furniture—one of the consequences of your not having heeded Patio Furniture Advisory Jim-Bob last fall. Snow may also accumulate on pets that are sent outdoors; it will be particularly visible and cute on dark-colored pets. Please send your photos of pets with snow on their noses to PetSnowNoses@alarmistweather.com. We’ll post our favorites on our website! But above all, according to Pet Nag Fido, defrost and dry your pet before allowing it to track through the kitchen and climb on the sofa

Overall snow accumulation during this putative storm is expected to be as much as .025 inch in some areas. Tiny, misshapen, dirt-filled snowmen may be formed using this snow by children under the age of six who were too young to remember the Great Letdown of ’10, which we herewith retroactively name Fizzle),and  during which much of the state was perhaps not blanketed but certainly coverleted with over ½” of snow. Effusive praise of these snowmen is not recommended, as it will only encourage these children to hope vainly for more snow, which is unlikely to occur during the remainder of their childhoods. Send photos of your children’s snowmen, such as they are, to NiceTry@alarmistweather.com.

Please be advised that snow may also accumulate on trees, park benches, and hydrants, and that birds and other wildlife may be seen foraging through the snow for food, even as it continues to snow. Our official position about this matter is that they are funny that way.

Residents are encouraged to race to the nearest grocery store to purchase mass quantities of milk and bread prior to the onset of remotely-possibly-hazardous weather. The more milk and bread your household has stockpiled, the safer your family will be during Winter Storm Warning Doreen. In the event that you encounter other residents at the grocery store who are also attempting to stock up on milk and bread, do not succumb to the tempation to share, especially if you are bigger than they are.
Standing outside in the snow while it is actively snowing is not encouraged, although you should be warned that if you do this, and look straight up into the sky, it will look like the snowflakes are huge and are coming right at you really fast!  Generally, snow will not accumulate on stuck-out tongues.

In the event that no snow occurs, residents are still urged to seek shelter, just in case. Finally, please be advised that temperatures are expected to reach the 50s tomorrow. No Watch or Warning is in effect at this time, but if there is one–a Tornado Watch, say–it is tentatively named Tornado Watch “‘Bradley,” unless it turns out to look more like a girl tornado, in which case it will be Tornado Watch Meghan.

Molly Schoemann writes humor and satire and always stocks up on milk and bread, just in case. Her work can be found at mollyschoemann.com.