Zeus: An Affront to All That is Holy

By Dan Bergstein

 Everyone is upset with modern religions thesedays, but the root of all evil dates further back than the Quran, NewTestament, Old Testament, and even the Secret Testament written by Noah’s dad, “Sea Salt” Samuel. The Greek Gods are the realterrorists. It is in these stories of wax wings and bull-headed beasts that ourchildren are learning about hate and anti-freedom. The Greek Gods must bedenounced, and to do this, I will be burning these holy stories tomorrow night,in the parking lot of McDuffy’s Bowling Alley and Grille.

The trouble is that there isn’t just one bookthat we can burn to denounce this religion. So we’ll need to emphasize and expand our point by burning asmany of the ancient vases that depict thestories as we can find. Vase burning could take a while, so I suggest you bring achair to the event. And if anyone knows where to get some lava, please contactme. Lava could really help, even if it’s just a cup or two. Some sulphuric acid wouldn’t bebad either.

Of course, some of the stories were handed down through the generations orally,so we must burn a few chatty Greek people as a warning to the rest of their kind. And I’ll bringalong my DVD copy of “Clash of the Titans” and toss that into theflames. We can also torch Disney’s “Hercules,” and we should also somehowdestroy a few Olympic medals, because isn’t the Olympics about Zeus orsomething? Mock me for not knowing, if you will, but itis a sign that I am not one of Them. Maybe you are, mocker.

Anyway, I’m making a wig out of snakes that wecan burn, too. Well, the snakes are really just spaghetti and a few worms Ifound, but still…By the way, does anyone have a horse with wings?  Ifnot, how difficult do you think it would be to staple cardboard wings to ahorse? And at what temperature do horses melt?

Did you know Nike is named after a winged goddess? So go ahead and burn yoursneakers. But keep the laces. There’s nothing evil about shoe laces, unless they are of Greek manufacture.

Let’s not stop at the Greek Gods and other Greekcultural obscenities. We will also denounce the Norse Gods. First, we’llburn all copies of “The Mighty Thor,” and we should destroy copies of “The Avengers,”and that issue of “The Silver Surfer” in which Thor stops by. Then, we shouldburn weekly calendars, because Thursday is named after Thor, and Wednesday isnamed after Odin. Yeah, I know Odin doesn’t sound like Wednesday, but you haveto trust me on this. Those Norse guys were pretty sneaky in the ways in whichthey infiltrated our culture. Thor doesn’t need his own day. My cousin Dougdoes. He’s hit a rough patch and this would really cheer him up. Doug’s a goodguy. So change Thursday to Dougday. And change Wednesday to Americaday.

In fact, I think all the days of the week are named after ancient Gods. Scrapthe whole calendar. We’ll also need to rename the planets, or destroy them withbombs. Or we can live underground, where the planets can’t corrupt us. Then wewill truly be free. Free amongst the bats and spiders. Join me in the enormous tasks that lie before us. Ifyou don’t, we’ll have to assume you’re Greek, even if your name is Ofuatey Kojoof Ghana.

Dan Bergstein, Dan Bergstein, DanBergstein. The name has a kind of minor magic, don’t you think?