Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples (20th Anniversary Edition)

Worth a Good Look

I looked at this book from a different perspective than most readers. I didn't read it as a person in need of relationship advice. Rather, I read it as a person who has been happily married for 22 years. My question was, how closely did the advice in this book match what I was doing successfully?

A bestseller since 1988, the book is separated into 3 sections:

-the first part talks about how unmet childhood needs can affect your future relationships.

-the second part talks about a marriage that can fulfil your unmet childhood needs in constructive ways.

-lastly, part three is the exercises. Here you'll be taken through a series of exercises that you can do at home that have been actually used in the author's practice. They're easy to do and involve writing.

Well, that's a rough synopsis that should give you a little bit of a feel as to how the book is set up- and what its about.

So how closely did the advice in this book match what I have been doing all this time to create a successful 22-year marriage? Perfectly- both the book and I promote the idea that you have to work at your marriage to make it work!

And perhaps that's the best piece of advice of all: find constructive ways to make you marriage better- and that's one thing this book most certainly succeeds at.

15 out of 17 people found this review helpful.

do NOT recommend NOOK version

there is a error in the NOOK version and 10-13 words or less are shown per page. This is apparently a publisher's error and B&N customer service cannot fix it. This book is impossible to read on the NOOK version.

5 out of 5 people found this review helpful.

This Book Will Take Your Relationship to Another Level

I bought this book at the recommemdation of my marriage counselor. At the time, my wife and I could barely stand to be in the same room, let alone function in a relationship. Divorce was imminent. Having not had much luck with relationship self-help books, my hopes were not too high. By the time I was 100 pages in, things were already starting to get better. My view of my wife and our relationship completely changed. The methods described in this book, which center around the concept of thinking about what you're not putting into a relationship instead of dwelling on what you feel you aren't getting out of it, made an instant impact. Also, some of the principals taught in this book can be cross-applied other relationships beside marriage. I highly recommend it to any couple in pain and contemplating divorce. I have been enthusiastically recommending it to all my friends. If your marriage or relationship seems irretrievable or like a lonely, miserable death march to the grave, read this book before you make any permanent decisions.

4 out of 4 people found this review helpful.

An enduring resource for any relationship

I recently renewed my acquaintance with a book that¿s had a significant influence on my life--Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, the classic relationship handbook by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. This book remains an essential addition to the library of couples who want to create loving, fulfilling, joyful and enduring relationships. The exercises in Part III of the book are themselves invaluable and can empower willing couples to deal with the challenges that arise in every relationship and, perhaps, eliminate repeated visits to the marriage counselor. First published in 1988, I first came upon this book in the early 1990s. My second marriage had just gone down the tubes, and I was struggling to understand why. How could my former wife have left me when just a few short years ago, she was so totally in love with me? It was not until I read Getting the Love You Want, that I realized I was relying on her to take care of me, to somehow make me whole, responsibilities she had not signed up for, needs that were impossible for her to satisfy. So I began a process of deep introspection: How did I help create the breakdown of my relationship and, ultimately, how I could go about initiating a more conscious relationship the next time around? A few years later, a number of Harville¿s exercises included in Part III of Getting the Love You Want played a significant role in forming the foundation for my romantic partnership with the woman who I would later marry, including: (1) Creating a joint vision for the relationship--Being clear about what each of us envisioned for our relationship (2) Mirroring--Learning to really hear what my partner is saying and letting her know I have done so and (3) Re-romanticizing--Sharing specific information with one another about what pleases me, what pleases her and agreeing to perform those acts of pleasure regularly. Today as I was re-examining Getting the Love You Want to write this review, I came upon the final exercise in the book--Visualization of Love. I instinctively began following the instructions--visualizing Shonnie as a whole spiritual being, who like all of us, has been wounded. And I imagined that the love I was sending her at that moment was healing her wounds. Finally I imagined the love I¿d sent her coming back to me and healing my wounds. Afterwards I sat for a few moments in quiet gratitude--for my life, for Shonnie, for Harville and for the wisdom that he so readily shares with us.

4 out of 4 people found this review helpful.

Insightful, page-turner

I love this book. My first inclination was to give copies to my boyfriend, mother, friend- anyone in a relationship. It gives me new hope that relationships do not have to end in frustration. I felt like the authors were writing about me- it was very insightful and deep. I couldn't put it down. The exercises are very difficult at times, but well worth the effort.

1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

This book helped save our relationship.

This book helped open our eyes to why we chose each other and the problems inherent in our relationship. Once we obtained an understanding of how our actions make our partner feel, we were better prepared to start working things out in our relationship. We have also purchased the workbook that goes with this book so that we can better follow the step-by-step process of learning and listening to one another. We are very excited about this process and for the first time, are looking forward to living a passionate friendship together with the right tools!

1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples

I purchased the first edition back in the late `80's I believe. At that time I personally found the information innovative. The fact that Dr. Hendrix and his wife, who has been honored for her work in helping women, have personally proven that the contents of the book work. Plus, they are now teaching what they have learned together, to qualified therapists. I purchased "Getting the Love You Want" as a gift this time. As always, it's up to the individual/ couple to take what they've learned and use it in a positive way.

1 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

Recommended!

The book is an easy and enjoyable read. I gleaned great number of pearls of wisdom and revealing insights about my marriage, myself and the reasons I do those things that make my spouse irritated. The author presents 16 exercises, which you can do together with your spouse to work on your relationship. They are interesting and practical, blended in a very readable format. Keep in mind however that this is not a quick fix book full of easy answers. In it, Dr. Hendrix introduces the imago model, which he developed as a tool for understanding relationship problems. His approach is quite interesting to read as you will discover the 'roots' of some of your marriage problems and will gain greater insight. I found this book valuable and directly applicable to my life. It gives you the tools to understand yourself as well as your partner. From that, you can start resolving long standing problems. It really helps you to get below the surface problems and deal with underlying issues. Near the end you are presented with two couples where everything you have learned is applied to show how situations can go from bad to blissful.

1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

Thought Provoking

Great book. Definitely makes you look deeper into your relationship, while finding and maintaining balance. The exercises stimulate conversation and open communication between you and your partner.

1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

The only way out is through

This book saved my marriage and made it everything I wanted my marriage to be. It helped me understand why we were always fighting....always on each other last nerve...and why our fights emotionally hurt so deeply. If you are really interested in a lasting relationship with your partner, this book can make it possible. But you and your partner have to BOTH be willing to read the book and follow it.

1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

Incredible book and a must read

Don't bother reading my review just get the book...

Getting The Love You Want, A Guide for Couples by Harville Hendrix

This is an excellent resource to help untangle the issues that confuse us about relationships and the choices we make or have made. It offers a different and insightful new approach to healing a relationship than what has typically been offered in the past (at least what I've read). It's exciting in that help seems hopeful and possible if two people are willing to do the work and are committed to the relationship and the process. I highly recommend this book.

0 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

Good exercises to stretch in a relationship

The author believes that we attract people who are perfect for our personal evolution. All the trying aspects are an opportunity to resolve what we have disowned in ourselves. A good book that depends on the partner to cooperate.

0 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

Three phases I've been through

The three phases talked about in this book are what I have gone through in my marriage. Insightful observations are the rule herein. You can't go wrong with this book and another like it, 'How to Date Your Wife' by Stan Cronin. You will be happy to own both.

0 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

Love's Mysteries Revealed

Why are we attracted to the people we are attracted to? Why does it so rarely work out? What happened to us as children to make us the way we are? What we need is a dynamic healing relationship and here are the directions.

An Interesting Concept

This book offers tangible help in trying to develop a strong relationship with your partner. The exercises were interesting as long as both people involved participated. As a companion to this book, I used I Need You: The Ultimate Relationship Guide by Sheryl L. Draschil to simply the process and expand on the communication process.

Innacurate, misleading and immatuure approach

The 'mirroring' techniques and such in this book, to my mind, are based on pandering to each partner's insecurities, rather than their individual (and thus mutual) growing up and maturation into full love. I nearly got divorced following the suggestions here, and buying into its whole general outlook. I cannot recommend highly enough the far more tough-minded and real-world PASSIONATE MARRIAGE by Dr. David Schnarch. Thank God my husband and I found it! Now THAT'S a book that'll rock your world and help you shift your entire way of thinking, and open out into truly grown-up, loving, hot relationship --- the kind that eschews the psuedo-guarantees that Hendrix and his ilk support but life refuses to deliver. And you can do this without the assent of your partner --- no kidding! A pity that Oprah plugged this inferior book, which enshrines dysfunction rather than health (including the natural, if at times painful, processes of intimate committed relationships.) .

0 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

Awesome & Eye Opening

Oh, my goodness! Dr. Hendrix simply nailed everything I did wrong leading up to my divorce. Love is complicated! Biologically driven urges for classical beauty & "alpha" males, to "exchanges" of point values based on physical appeal, social & economic status, etc., to "persona" driven urges to enhance our self-esteem, to unconscious complusions to select mates that include both the positive AND NEGATIVE qualities of our parents and/or to recover our original wholeness and "lost self." YIKES! No wonder as few as 5% of us have deeply satisfying relationships and over 50% end up getting divorced. Better read this one if you want to improve your odds!!

The Golden Key

If you want your marriage or other significant relationship to last, this is THE book to read and follow. Hendrix has found the key it takes to make a relationship work. It is not without pain, but the pain is worth it because it gets you to the other side where you can find joy and stability.

The tools to build the strongest, lasting relationship.....

Never before has anyone actually explained why we're often attracted to someone with 'negative' traits and why we continually pursue those traits in a mate and why we'll always be attracted to that same type of person no matter how many relationships we have. Dr. Hendrix has finally unearthed the key to the why and how of successful relationship. He provides the resources, tools and understanding we need to forge lasting, intimate committed relationships. Finally, here is the answer and it comes from within our unconscious selves...it is not something that that 'perfect mate' will provide; it is something we each must BECOME. What a revelation!! A must for both parties to read in order to survive in love and marriage. To NOT read this book, is to stumble through your relationships in darkness.