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He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys

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Most Helpful Favorable Review

10 out of 11 people found this review helpful.

Funny

I loved this book and loved every minute reading this.

posted by Balina on August 18, 2011

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Most Helpful Critical Review

18 out of 26 people found this review helpful.

Not the place to turn for solid, deep, advice on dating or relationships

A friend of mine raved about this book, so in spite of the put-down sounding title (which I think also generalizes men, and women), I picked up a copy. And yes, was disappointed. The book focuses on excuses women make to convince themselves that men are 'into th...
A friend of mine raved about this book, so in spite of the put-down sounding title (which I think also generalizes men, and women), I picked up a copy. And yes, was disappointed. The book focuses on excuses women make to convince themselves that men are 'into them' when they're 'not.' First, I thought the points were obvious - for example, a man who doesn't call when he says he would. According to the book, if he doesn't, he's not into you. Second, there could be a multitude of reasons why that aren't related to how into you he is or isn't. But that being said, the reasons may not matter. For the more appropriate question in my view is 'How do you want to be treated in a relationship?' To instead ask whether or not 'he's into you' is to assume that he's finding you lacking in some way. Yes, the book says you're great, pretty, etc. but if the authors really believe that, then why all the repetition of the only reason a guy isn't acting like Prince Charming is that you don't interest him enough (with the token positive comment added on after all the negativity)? Perhaps the guy is unavailable for other reasons - past relationship bruises, his present level of emotional maturity and readiness to love, etc. To assume it's all about the woman, and whether he thinks she merits his attention is simplistic, and disempowering for women and men. Also, I don't think many women would want to be involved with or marry a man who treated her well only because he was 'into her' and had treated other women poorly because he wasn't into them. Not me anyway - only a man who treats all women and men well is worth it, in my book. This book doesn't match my personal experience either - of a couple of men who'd told me they'd been too nervous to ask me out for a very long time, of the male friends who'd told me they'd been so broken by their previous relationships that they feared getting into another one (and I witnessed their hesitation for years - and yes - the women they married did a lot of the work in the beginning), of the men I know who have told me that they often 'reject before being rejected' etc. So what's of value here? The hint that deciding what kind of relationship you want and seeking someone who treats you well (though hopefully because of who he is as a person, not his evaluation of you). But there are plenty of books out there written by people who possess and offer much deeper knowledge of relationships than the writers of this book, and who offer it in a way that is affirming, rather than negative. One title that goes to the heart of relationships in a positive and clear way is 'The New Couple,' by Maurice Taylor and Seana McGee. A book written for men by a psychologist (also a man) but that I think many women would find very helpful is 'When Good Men Behave Badly' by David Wexler (yes, another cliche title - and possibly one that's off- putting to men[!] - but the content of the book is solid, deep and respectful of people. I've found it countless times more helpful than this one). On a more general level, Don Miguel Ruiz's books - 'The Four Agreements,' 'The Mastery of Love' and 'The Voice of Knowledge' are helpful reminders of all the 'stories' that are told in our culture (like those in this book) - and how they distort reality and how damaging they can be to our healthy and happy functioning. In questions of relationship, I think it's good to turn towards people who have knowledge (psychologists for example) and write with maturity in this area. The content of this particular book stays on the surface of the things, and I think is presented in a unnecessarily negative manner that puts women down. Not something I'd recommend to anyone, and I'm concerned about all the hype over this one - for I think it can steer women in an unhealthy direction, where we ask the wrong ques

posted by Anonymous on June 3, 2005

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  • Anonymous

    Posted June 3, 2005

    Not the place to turn for solid, deep, advice on dating or relationships

    A friend of mine raved about this book, so in spite of the put-down sounding title (which I think also generalizes men, and women), I picked up a copy. And yes, was disappointed. The book focuses on excuses women make to convince themselves that men are 'into them' when they're 'not.' First, I thought the points were obvious - for example, a man who doesn't call when he says he would. According to the book, if he doesn't, he's not into you. Second, there could be a multitude of reasons why that aren't related to how into you he is or isn't. But that being said, the reasons may not matter. For the more appropriate question in my view is 'How do you want to be treated in a relationship?' To instead ask whether or not 'he's into you' is to assume that he's finding you lacking in some way. Yes, the book says you're great, pretty, etc. but if the authors really believe that, then why all the repetition of the only reason a guy isn't acting like Prince Charming is that you don't interest him enough (with the token positive comment added on after all the negativity)? Perhaps the guy is unavailable for other reasons - past relationship bruises, his present level of emotional maturity and readiness to love, etc. To assume it's all about the woman, and whether he thinks she merits his attention is simplistic, and disempowering for women and men. Also, I don't think many women would want to be involved with or marry a man who treated her well only because he was 'into her' and had treated other women poorly because he wasn't into them. Not me anyway - only a man who treats all women and men well is worth it, in my book. This book doesn't match my personal experience either - of a couple of men who'd told me they'd been too nervous to ask me out for a very long time, of the male friends who'd told me they'd been so broken by their previous relationships that they feared getting into another one (and I witnessed their hesitation for years - and yes - the women they married did a lot of the work in the beginning), of the men I know who have told me that they often 'reject before being rejected' etc. So what's of value here? The hint that deciding what kind of relationship you want and seeking someone who treats you well (though hopefully because of who he is as a person, not his evaluation of you). But there are plenty of books out there written by people who possess and offer much deeper knowledge of relationships than the writers of this book, and who offer it in a way that is affirming, rather than negative. One title that goes to the heart of relationships in a positive and clear way is 'The New Couple,' by Maurice Taylor and Seana McGee. A book written for men by a psychologist (also a man) but that I think many women would find very helpful is 'When Good Men Behave Badly' by David Wexler (yes, another cliche title - and possibly one that's off- putting to men[!] - but the content of the book is solid, deep and respectful of people. I've found it countless times more helpful than this one). On a more general level, Don Miguel Ruiz's books - 'The Four Agreements,' 'The Mastery of Love' and 'The Voice of Knowledge' are helpful reminders of all the 'stories' that are told in our culture (like those in this book) - and how they distort reality and how damaging they can be to our healthy and happy functioning. In questions of relationship, I think it's good to turn towards people who have knowledge (psychologists for example) and write with maturity in this area. The content of this particular book stays on the surface of the things, and I think is presented in a unnecessarily negative manner that puts women down. Not something I'd recommend to anyone, and I'm concerned about all the hype over this one - for I think it can steer women in an unhealthy direction, where we ask the wrong ques

    18 out of 26 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted November 1, 2008

    more from this reviewer

    Left a bad taste in my mouth and mind, please do not read this book.

    I'm not sure what a woman who finds this book inspirational needs more; better friends or to be drug into the middle of the street and shot to put her out of her misery and rid the gene pool of her stupidity! Some of the "helpful" chapters from this book include; "If he hasn't called you in weeks, he's just not that into you", "If he's screwing three other chicks, he's just not that into you", "If he's married to SOMEONE ELSE, he's just not that into you." Seriously, that's like telling someone that if you put your hand on the red glowing part of a stove, you'll get burnt...in other words, a NO BRAINER! Not only is the constant repetition of the title throughout the book annoying, but none of the content is exactly a big secret. It is not in anyway helpful to a woman's obviously already lacking self-esteem nor to her ponderings about her relationship or lack there of. Most disappointing and disturbing is the fact that a woman should have to slap down $15+ to have these obvious things explained to her.

    5 out of 13 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted September 28, 2006

    He's Just Not That into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys

    This is the only book I ever,in my life, threw away without its being damaged somehow. The 'author' purports to be trying to empower women by saying they deserve better than what certain men give them. I don't dispute that women deserve better, but frankly this book just gives rotten, inconsiderate men an out!! If, after reading this book, a woman tosses out a guy who isn't 'that into her' by the book's standards, all she has done is let him off the hook for his crummy behavior. I'm surprised more women haven't commented on this. The book claims men would do anything rather than say something to a woman that he knows she doesn't want to hear. Well, maybe as women, we should start making them do the hard thing and talking to us, not letting them off the hook easily by saying, 'Oh, he just isn't into me.' Maybe he isn't, but make him say it!! We say it to them, right? So don't bother with this book unless what you really want is an excuse to let somebody get off easy, again!!

    3 out of 5 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted October 12, 2006

    Not Into This Book

    Around January I saw this book at the store, going through a painful breakup, I had to buy it. After reading a few of the chapters I was completely disappointed. From the negative chapter titles to the even more negative summaries, this book is not a good read. It claims if a guy doesn't call you immediately after you call him, he's not into you. If he doesn't fall to the ground and kiss your feet after you meet him, he's not into you. It goes on in this way through the whole book. As women, we should have standards, but.. thinking of marrying a guy right after you meet him? that's a little much, don't you agree? If you want to read a book that MIGHT make you laugh and if you don't mind repetition, then by all means purchase this and enjoy!

    2 out of 7 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted June 5, 2009

    more from this reviewer

    I Also Recommend:

    See the movie. Don't buy the book!

    I saw this movie, which was really great! But the book itself was not so great. As some of the other reviewers have said, it was kind of insulting to read, plus my friend said that she is divorced and she felt like this was only for young single girls. So I'm in my 30's which is why it probably didn't resonate with me. I think that if you're going to read this, you should check it out from the library or just borrow it from a friend.

    1 out of 3 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted January 30, 2009

    dating oversimplified

    i read this book several years ago, and back then i thought the book was so enlightening, although in the back of my head i knew something about what was said in the book was not quite sound. it did help me weed out the obviously non-serious jerk/booty call kind of guys, but that's about it. it doesn't really offer realistic advice when it comes to deciding whether a guy is worth getting to know or not. like some of the people here have said, the book keeps repeating the title of the book "he's just not that into you..." and it sort of brainwashes you to believe that every single mistake that i guy makes equates to "he's just not that into you" which i think is judgemental. i think that instead of focusig only on the guy's behaviour, focus on the whole picture and what you would be ok or not be ok in a relationship. not all relationships take off smoothly and they take a lot of work to be worthwhile, and if it's solely based on whether the guy was that into you, then there's a problem. after all, that "into you" thing is probably temporary anyway, and is probably lust disguised...

    1 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted September 3, 2012

    more from this reviewer

    Full disclosure: I didn't buy this book. While housesitting for

    Full disclosure: I didn't buy this book. While housesitting for a friend I found it in her collection and read it. Save yourself a headache and don't. I'm sure some have found the "lessons" in this book to be helpful and I know that Mr. Behrendt has made quite a bit of money from this series, but you should know that similar information can be ascertained for free by having male friends.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted July 18, 2012

    Not recommended

    This is the dumbest book I have ever read. If you have the slightest amount of common sense, you can guess that if he doesn't call you in a reasonable time, he isn't interested. Men are not that complicated.

    And trust them, what they say is usually what they mean.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted April 29, 2012

    Horrible

    This book was horrible. I cannot understand why it got the hype it did. Is there half a star?

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  • Anonymous

    Posted July 17, 2009

    Not what I thought.

    Just thought it would be naughtier...thats all!

    0 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted April 7, 2009

    more from this reviewer

    Read this book if you would like to be insulted.

    I found this book insulting to me as a person and as a woman. The book generalizes men as emotionally void creatures and women as needy. Sure, these people exist, but not enough to generalize like this book does.

    Also, bothersome is the advice itself. Most women are aware that if a man is having sex with someone else, he is clearly not into her or not into her enough to claim the title of boyfriend. They are also aware that if he
    doesn't call, he just doesn't want to call. Most women don't actually think that our number got lost or some other nonsensical incident prevented him from calling. Belief in these excuses result from a little thing called denial.

    And, frankly the advice to never ask a man out is ridiculous. Sometimes, they are shy. Not all men are like you, Greg. Not all men are as outgoing and willing to ask a woman out. Even if they like them. And yes, sometimes the shy ones are worth going after. I nabbed up a cute, shy one, and I'm spending the rest of my life with him.

    So, watch the movie. Don't read the book.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted March 16, 2009

    horrible. completely horrible.

    i don't know what's worse...that i bought this book, or that half way through it i remember i had already read (and bought) it once years ago when it first came out. it's one of the FEW books i've ever given away (both copies!). i HATED this book. it is senseless, idiotic fluff. completely waste of time and money (twice). i was horrified when i realized i had wasted good book money on this one not only once but twice. shame on me!

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  • Anonymous

    Posted February 12, 2009

    I am just not that into this book!

    He's Just Not That Into You is over two hours of people talking -- endlessly talking. There's no action, no musical montages, or tangential moments of physical shtick. Just 130 minutes of voices whining about love, relationships, and the lack thereof. If complaining were therapy, everyone in the cast would be Scientology Clear. Sadly, every conversation, every attempt at interpersonal insight, is buffered by the inherent unbelievability of the emotions being offered. This is a film where thirtysomethings act like adolescents, where man/woman interaction is illustrated in seventh grade compatibility test responses. Sure, a little dab of truth occasionally comes spitting out of these well-coiffed and decaffeinated mouths, but we have to wait so long for the genuineness that the fiction becomes all the more obvious.<BR/><BR/>This is a story where we barely care for anyone. In fact, one character in particular -- the flighty ditz of a flibbertigibbet main character -- grates on our nerves like polished nails on a cinematic chalkboard. Goodwin's Gigi has a stalker-like sensibility, matched with an inhuman level of naiveté, that causes her every action to resonate like tinfoil on one's fillings. She even makes the morose, self-absorbed angst of Connelly's Janine and Aniston's Beth seem semi-tolerable. Director Ken Kwapis, responsible for such swill as the lame License to Wed (as well as various TV sitcoms) stages everything with a kind of flat finality. We don't really see the storylines progress so much as merely turn the page to the next episode of idiocy.<BR/><BR/>In fact, it's the underlying sentiment that ultimately derails He's Just Not That Into You. Every single female character is portrayed as stupid, illogical, borderline psychotic, and desperate for a man to complete her sense of self. Even worse, every problem is resolved in favor of supporting such a disconnect with human reality. Unless you've spent your entire adult life in isolation, or literally think that men are from Mars, this movie will blindside your intelligence. People, especially those of the female persuasion, are definitely smarter than the way they are portrayed here. Life novices may feel some kinship with these characters. Actual adults will just be insulted.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted February 1, 2009

    I Also Recommend:

    horrible! save yourself the money!

    So, I read this book when it first came out and at first, I was interested in it, but then began to feel insulted by it. It's good for those clueless college freshman girls to read because they're bombarded by "hooking up" and college guys' desire to use 'em and lose 'em. It's a good way to teach those girls how to avoid the creeps...BUT FOR ADULT women...SERIOUSLY?? Do we really need to be TOLD that a MARRIED man isn't into us?? It's disgusting and downright degrading!!! I DETEST THIS BOOK!! ALSO, WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO OUR DESIRES---ARE WEEEEE EVEN INTO HIMMMMMM??? Men are not this simple. They truly are far more complicated than women. All women want is to love and be loved. SIMPLE. Men want to chase us, have us play super-feminine damsles in distress roles, and be 'unavailable' on an unpredictable basis (see WHY MEN LOVE BITCHES--good book, but seems like we need to jump through way too many hoops to please a man/keep him interested). It's just sickening--the whole dating game--it isss a game and it's tiring. I'm only 24, but I'm already exhausted from it. Why can't it be simple...for example, I like you, you like me, let's date and see where it goes...if we continue to like each other, awesome, we'll stay together, if not, we'll break up. It should not be this difficult!!! We're not stupid and we know that if a man stops calling us, he doesn't have the balls to tell us that he doesnt' want to date us anymore, and we'll throw him away! We know that. Yes, we'd like to hold onto him if we really had fallen for him or we'd like to make up excuses and issues that may possibly be keeping him from calling us, but when it comes down to it, we know the truth. Moral of the story: This book sucks and is completely misogynistic. GET EMPOWERED, WOMEN!! If you have constant troubles with men, read "Be Honest: You're Just Not that Into Him Either" first, then READ Why Men Love Bitches. If you don't think you have deeper issues with men, then jump right to 'bitches'--laugh the whole way through, and take it with a grain of salt...but it's the only thing that has worked for anyone I know!

    0 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted May 21, 2007

    Why Oh Why

    If a guy isn't into you he should at least have the nerve to tell you to your face. I'm not suggesting you stalk him until he do so, but most men are not shy when it comes to saying what they do and don't like. If he likes you he'll talk to you. Maybe not everyday, but I mean you guys just met. Why can't a guy have a life too? Why can't he just be busy taking care of a sick family member and not have time to call? This book leaves too many open ended answers. We ladies need standards and if a guy doesn't fit them toss him out. It shouldn't take a self help book to figure that out.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted February 7, 2005

    He's Just Not That into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys

    Basically, this is a 176-page hardcover excuse for men's boorish, socially inept behavior. I agree with the previous review that says that some men do have valid reasons for not calling, but let's assume 'he's just not that into you.' Why should that entitle him to just blow you off? People, men and women, deserve to be told if somebody is not interested in a relationship with them; it's simply good manners and considerate. This book is an attempt by a man to convince women to let men off easy. NO WAY!!!! Spend your money on something better for you and more satisfying - maybe a phone call to make him admit the truth!!

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  • Anonymous

    Posted February 7, 2005

    Women's Liberation did happen you know Greg!

    Overanalyzing should not be seen as a flaw, especially when this seems to be the only way that women are even able to attempt to understand the inner workings of the male mind. This book insinuates that men know what they want, When in reality and practice it should be crystal clear that men act predictably frivolous and god forbid, irrational, that no set of rules intended for women's benefit(?!) can be used as a reference or as part of a so-called dating manual. For your information Greg, the movement of women's liberation occured with an important aim, among others to empower women and encourage them to not conform to supposed idealisms that without a doubt were set in stone by narrow minded men Should it be appropriate for this literature to 'guide' women, (or more likely dictate) women, when in fact such practice stands to reverse the positive outcomes of the movement. My advice is to stop disillusioning women who know what they want and are not afraid to take risks such as initiating relationships or calling guys. Such confidence should be respected and not to be seen as part of the underlying gender codes that you are trying so hard to establish. Your generalising is ludicrous. If you think all women are to follow this book under you masquerade of pretension and ignorance which you are trying to convince us is gospel then I have news for you. I do not agree with your views, thus your theory of generalising is immediately undermined. Women should never doubt their strength, an act that you are advocating. We live in the 21st century, move with the times.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted January 30, 2005

    Don't you have anything less tha one star?

    I'm confused; are all women out to get married? Are all women who call men desparate? Are all men who don't return a phone call just not into you? NO, of course not.... the fact is, this book has just given every man permission to slack off, and act like a player whenever he wants to; thanks, thats just what the single female population needed, applause all round! I wouldn't expect any man to tar all women with the same brush, why are we allowing all men to be? Ok, example time; I wanted to get more involved with a guy I worked with on a volunteer project; I emailed, and asked if he wanted to meet for lunch; he agreed. Lunches let to drinks, drinks led to movies, and movies led to late night talks. And nothing else. For 7 months!!! But, I listened to my gut, and to what he was saying to me; his last relationship was bad, his confidence had been knocked, he was still reeling. He wasn't ready. Logic dictated that if he wasn't interested in me, he wouldn't spend time with me --and by that, I mean interested in *me*, not by whats in my jeans--so there was a friendship there at the very least. I gave him his space, not getting hung up on 'Will he love me? Give me babies? Get upset if I wear something lowcut around his friends? Start dating someone else?' And you know, a funny thing happened; this guy who sometimes told me he was busy actually was busy, working for a promotion --which he got. And he was recovering form a bruised heart --and he healed. We've now been together for 2 years. Did he say he was busy? Yes. Did he say he was hurt? Yes. And he was --and according to the authors of this 'book', this is very rare-- telling the truth!! I know, imagine that! Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar; somtimes a man has legitimate reasons for the things he says. Somtimes, the things he says are true. Basically the whole 'He's just not into you' thing is a crock served up hot on the heels of a super popular tv show (which I enjoyed, too), and has provided every player who can pick up on popular psychobabble a way out instead of having the backbone to tell a woman what he really feels. The authors have given cowards a great way out. And honestly? Any woman worth her salt will sit down and simply think about her gut feelings, and whether she believes what he's saying, the same way she does with friends, work, an ad on tv; if she does, she then assesses how long she's willing to wait (and here's the key; if he's worth it, you will wait, and you will help him through his problems; couplehood is about helping each other through, from day one, no matter what). Are there men out there who just aren't into you? Of course! Do you really need a book to tell you that? No! Take the money you would have spent on this thing and get yourself a cup of coffee, and have a think; you will reach your own conclusions quickly enough. I have faith in your instincts, even if the authors don't.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted March 25, 2005

    Very Disappointing

    I agree with the first person. I love Sex and the City and how they used the phrase, but this book, this is another story. This book can be a real downer to someone looking for love. Not an encouraging book. For some readers, maybe, but not for everyone. I read the first few chapters and scanned through part of the rest. It was very dissapointing and a waste of cash. My copy is for sale :(

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  • Anonymous

    Posted January 22, 2005

    Gimme a break

    I bought this book on the recommendation of a (girl-)friend of mine. I cannot believe that so many people find this book so great. When did we all abdicate our responsibility to think for ourselves? What ever happened to being honest and accepting reality? Just as every man is not 'Brad Pitt', not every woman is a 'super fox'. We are human and that means that we all have our shortcomings. And no, we are not all 'fantastic', as the authors want us to believe. Trying to pass life off as corresponding to a tv series is just weak and ignores reality. Yeah, I found Sex and the City great. But sorry ladies, you're not all like Carrie and Co. And I know, we men are no better. Greg wants to spare you wasting your time waiting by the phone. Who says women have to wait by the phone anyway? Should the man dictate the course of your relationship? Is it the year 2005? Are we still in high school? Is playing games your idea of a 'successful' relationship? Gimme a break. Think for yourself. If a guy doesn't show any interest in you, then you don't need this book to realise that you must give him the boot. Your brain or at least your pride should take over. If YOU are interested then call the man. What is the problem? Should you have any doubts about his intentions then ASK HIM. What is wrong with honest conversations? After all, do you want a man or a lap dog? Why are we all so fixated on taking that walk down the aisle? The next one isn't necessarily 'The One'. Enjoy the time spent with him and seize the moment. Enjoy it. Perhaps you have already met the right man. Playing games will probably ensure that you either scare him away or just annoy him to the point that he decides to move on. The sole purpose of dating is not to get married. Take your time and gain some experience for Heaven's sake. Get to know the person you want to accompany you for the long haul. Why do you think that 50% of all marriages end in divorce? And that figure is increasing. Apparently we are getting this whole relationship thing wrong, so stop playing games. If he doesn't call you immediately, the reason for this doesn't have to be that 'he just isn't that into you'. The only viable excuse that 'he is an astronaut and on another planet', as Greg would like us to believe, is just a load of bull. Perhaps he has some issues and needs a bit of time for himself. Talk to him. Communicate. If he does not want to jump into bed with you right away, perhaps that is just a reflection of his character and respect for you. And does not mean that 'he just isn't into you'. Be happy he is not just one of the idiots out there looking to 'do you' and move on. Show him some respect, he will likely do the same with you. Catch phrases like 'he's just not into you' do not solve the problems in relationships. They just ignore them. We should probably already know that ignoring problems only leads to bigger ones. My suggestion: instead of buying this book, use the $15 on a bottle of wine and spend the evening talking to your prospective man.

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