Customer Reviews for

How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking about It

Average Rating 4
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Most Helpful Favorable Review

12 out of 12 people found this review helpful.

Has had a lasting effect on how I interact with my husband

PLEASE READ THIS BOOK! I read this book in 2009, and I often lend it out or recommend it to other women. I learned that my husband does not see many situations as I do, and I learned how to respond to and respect that. I really do see him differently now, and I think ab...
PLEASE READ THIS BOOK! I read this book in 2009, and I often lend it out or recommend it to other women. I learned that my husband does not see many situations as I do, and I learned how to respond to and respect that. I really do see him differently now, and I think about his actions and words differently. This helps me sort through things when we argue. (Married 12 yrs). The book addresses men and women separately in different chapters. The heart of the matter lies in shame and fear. The fear side relates to feelings of women, and I completely identified with the writing on this issue. The shame side relates to men's feelings. I read the book before my huband did, and sometimes I would stop and say, "Do you really feel this way.." and I would read him an excerpt. He agreed completely with these statements. Basically, your husband feels shame/failure when you are upset or ranting/complaining, and this leads to a husband who lashes out harshly or backs away and won't talk (which is very frustrating to many women and thus leads to a vicious cycle of fighting). After I read the book I felt compelled to type up a summary of the items I wanted to focus on in the future in order to improve our relationship--so that I could refer to it from time to time: The "Power Love Formula" gives one a set of steps to follow each day to keep his/her relationship stronger and more connected. Also, the nightly shame/fear shake out is a nightly embrace without any words/talking about the day. The time during the embrace allows one to let go of all the junk that's happened that day and to remember that the connection with one's spouse is above all of it. It kind of brings one back to center with his/her spouse. On the subject of connection, the book explains that women should "step into the puddle" with their husbands by being emotionally attuned to him when he is upset and realizing that it is not usually comforting to most men to TALK about the issues (which is the opposite of most women) (for men the book explains that they must realize that talk IS comforting to their wives and is IMPORTANT), and that the woman should stop and think about how she would have reacted to her husband in the very beginning of their relationship (before any baggage was created). Often the power of touch is very great for a man, and just touching his arm, hugging him, but then giving him some space or time, will be much appreciated by him. However, she could be available to do something he is good at which can replace his sense of failure with a sense of competence and mastery. Before talking to your husband about an issue, imagine feeling close to him, think about how you would feel if these were your last moments, and/or of a time when you were proud of him. Again, the power of touch is important. The discussion should be non-accusing and non-blaming. The book said that men may need to fidget when you talk---this was an eye opener for me because it would drive me insane for my husband to do this! It was insulting to me until I read this part. The book explained the fidgeting is because emotions can be more physically uncomfortable for him due to greater arousal level and blood flow to the muscles (this is fully explained in early chapters with studies of baby boys vs baby girls, etc...). The above is mainly from the chapters addressing women, but rest assured the chapters addressed to men are wonderful too, and they ring

posted by CPA1 on February 21, 2011

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Most Helpful Critical Review

17 out of 18 people found this review helpful.

A good chapter toward the end

Even thought there was only one chapter that I felt was exceptional, I found the book worth reading and worth the money.

Specifically, you get through quite a long read and you come to a chapter that starts out by says something to the effect that since you have gott...
Even thought there was only one chapter that I felt was exceptional, I found the book worth reading and worth the money.

Specifically, you get through quite a long read and you come to a chapter that starts out by says something to the effect that since you have gotten this far, you might as well get the secret to a happy marriage. Then you are told that hugging and kissing with each other 4 to 5 times a day (on waking, one leaving each other in the morning, on greeting each other at night and just before going to sleep) is how to improve your marriage without talking about it.

Up until that point the book is filled with interesting explanations as to why men "don't want" and "are trained" not to want to be "talked to" as a way of improving a relationship. There are lots of other such things in the first part of the book that explain why learning communication skills may not be the best way of solving a marriage/relationship problem. This is quite different from many relationship counseling approaches and I found very refreshing.

A thumbs up but I wouldn't use this as my primary book for solving a relationship problem. There are other books I would recommend for people concerned about their marriage.

posted by Regaining-Love on December 12, 2009

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  • Posted July 31, 2010

    I think men will like this book; women may find it difficult but worth it.

    After a really promising relationship crashed & burned, I was complaining to a guy friend of mine about how I'd been hurt. Problem was, he knew the guy who had just dumped me, so he knew he wasn't "just some jerk who's afraid of commitment." He gently recommended this book, saying it had helped him & his wife understand each other a lot better. I wanted to punch him in the face. Understand, I'm not a kid. I was married for over 15 years and could probably get a degree in psychology from all the books I've read about relationships and all the marriage counseling I went through with my husband. But there I was...divorced and now alone AGAIN.

    I read the book only out of respect for my friend. I hated to admit it, but it really did give me some great insight into what went wrong. And guess what--a big part of the problem was my obsession with "great communication." I tend to think of men as being insensitive to women's needs and fears. But then I caught myself reading about men's needs & fears and thinking, "well that's dumb, he needs to just get over it." WHAT!!?? Ouch. Maybe I need to work on that. I could point to some irrational behavior on the part of my ex in response to what I thought of as his dumb fears...but I could also see a lot of irrational behavior on my own part, in response to my fears which he probably didn't understand, either.

    We women tend to think of ourselves as the relationship experts and think men are clueless. Well, men ARE clueless, but we are just as clueless in our own way. That was very hard to swallow, but I feel like I have some more tools now to help me be a more compassionate person and a better partner to someone down the road. And I even feel like I can understand my sons a little better now, too--bonus! I'm recommending this book to all my friends.

    12 out of 12 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted March 18, 2010

    Takes a look at yourself

    This book is good in that it asks you to look at yourself and see the things that YOU are doing that trigger the very things that you don't like about your mate. It also teaches you to try to understand and think like your mate. The corrections come from within which is why you can "Improve without talking about it". Its not a fix all, but definitely gave me some insight on some things that I need to work on.

    3 out of 4 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted March 17, 2014

    Read this book in four days

    This is the first marriage book i have read and found it to be helpful. I did learn quite a few things from reading it and was worth buying

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  • Posted October 4, 2013

    Highly recommended - all women should read this!!!

    I wish I'd known about this book years ago. I went to a relationship therapist who recommended we read this book. I decided to read it first without mentioning it to my husband. It contains such basic information about the complex differences in how and why men and women act and react in such different ways, and gives examples. Within the first two weeks of reading and using the knowledge I was given, the atmosphere in our home is completely different; not perfect, but so much better. I realized how much I impacted the attitudes of everyone in the house. My strong will and independent nature comes across as threatening and insulting, and this book showed me why. I'm still the same person, but by working on me first, I've seen remarkable changes in my husband. I hope one day he'll read this, but not yet; I'm still reading and working on me. Simple changes can make a huge difference. Ladies, you owe it to yourselves to read this book! It's one of the nicest, peace promoting things you can do for your relationship.
    Dee

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  • Posted June 16, 2011

    Enlightening

    This is a quick read. Very interesting and helpful.

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