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The Language of Love and Respect: Cracking the Communication Code with Your Mate

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Most Helpful Favorable Review

2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

Language of Love and Respect Cracks Communication Code

No one has to tell me I don't speak the same language as my husband.
Most of the time in my marriage I talk and my husband ignores me.
Well, ignore no more my maddening mate.
Dr. Emerson Eggerichs has arrived to save our marriage.
In his book, The Language of Love a...
No one has to tell me I don't speak the same language as my husband.
Most of the time in my marriage I talk and my husband ignores me.
Well, ignore no more my maddening mate.
Dr. Emerson Eggerichs has arrived to save our marriage.
In his book, The Language of Love and Respect: Cracking the Communication Code With Your Mate, Eggerichs explains that women listen to the language of love and men listen to the language of respect.
Coded messages?
No wonder Mr. Man and I don't communicate.
Actually, I found this book extremely intriguing.
According to Eggerichs three cycles that marriages can enter - the Crazy Cycle, the Energizing Cycle or the Rewarded Cycle. Each cycle offers a different aspect of the marital relationship.
The Crazy Cycle is when a wife who feels unloved acts in a disrespectful way to her husband - thus causing numerous and unmentionable marital issues.
The Energizing Cycle is when couples when they are practicing love and respect principals and the Reward Cycle is when a couple is working in the Energizing Cycle to improve their marriage communication but one spouse has let down his/her responsibilities and God blesses them anyway.
My take? Not completely sure.
After reading this book I went through a relationship for dummies class that was based on these concepts and found it to be extremely helpful. However, without the on-board support of both spouses in a marital relationship, don't see a way it will work.
My husband is a wonderful man who just deals with life in his own way and he wouldn't be caught dead trying to follow these ideas. He thinks they're silly girl things. I have to face the fact that he doesn't relate to this kind of thing - and he swears he's a Bible-believing Christian.
So go figure.
I recommend this book for couples who are both interested in pursuing these marriage tools and for one spouse who wants to show mentorship and love - or respect - to his/her spouse. But, like everything else. It's no real answer.
I'm pretty sure the actual, real answer lies between the pages of the one book that has been a perennial best seller since it was published: The Bible.
I know lots of people own them. I wonder if they read them.

posted by Michelle-Lovato on January 30, 2011

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Most Helpful Critical Review

4 out of 6 people found this review helpful.

The Language of Love and Respect

Back in the '90s, I read a few books on the Christian view of marriage. I requested Emerson Eggerichs' "The Language of Love and Respect" from Thomas Nelson to see if it offered any new advice, and also because - according to the blurb - it dealt with communication betw...
Back in the '90s, I read a few books on the Christian view of marriage. I requested Emerson Eggerichs' "The Language of Love and Respect" from Thomas Nelson to see if it offered any new advice, and also because - according to the blurb - it dealt with communication between couples. I'd hoped for something a little more egalitarian than books published a decade or two ago.

Unfortunately, the problems with this book are twofold. Firstly, the theme is a repackage of the "Men are from Mars, women are from Venus" idea, except the author presents it as "men are blue, women are pink". While there are differences between men and women - in general - I'm not sure that these always apply, and what the genders have in common is just as important as what's different. Maybe even more so.

The references to "your pink wife" and "Pinkie" also struck me as somewhat patronizing. Then again, this book is subtly misogynistic, which is my second concern. For instance, on page 145, wives are cautioned against behaving in a "masculine" manner. Are husbands told not to be "feminine"? No, they're warned about being "effeminate".

This book takes it for granted that men are providers, such that their wives should respect and thank them for it. On the other hand, when women work outside the home, this is a pass-the-time deal; they don't need to discuss their jobs or be praised for anything they accomplish in this field. Here are some "energizing remarks" that the book suggests women can make to their husbands:

"You've made it possible for me to be a full-time mom. Let's set aside some time tonight just for us. I want to hear about what's happening at work."

In an economic recession where both spouses may well need to work, this seems belittling to me. Though it's not as bad as the advice on sex.

"Regardless of how a husband communicates his need for sex, the best approach is for a wife to realize that his need for sexuality is usually one of his strongest and she should try to meet that need even if she doesn't feel like it."

Perhaps she can lie back and think of England.

What about the rest of the book? It can be summed up in a lot fewer than 355 pages - men, love your wives unconditionally, and women, respect your husbands unconditionally. And what if your spouse, for whatever reason, doesn't deserve such unwavering devotion? If your spouse is an addict or promiscuous or beats your children? Love or respect them unconditionally anyway, because you'll be rewarded in heaven for it. The same blanket solution applies to the vast, vast spectrum of marital problems.

Because of this, I think this book would work well for a small segment of Christian couples - those who share the author's views and who don't have any serious problems in their marriages. For everyone else, I wouldn't recommend it.

posted by Marian_Perera on November 23, 2009

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  • Posted August 18, 2010

    Seems great, just not for me

    As a book reviewer, I had the chance to review The Language of Love and Respect. It was really hard for me to read it. I felt as though this was a book for a class, not one to be read at home. I will try reading it again once I have more time to devote to it... and I will purchase the workbook to see if it makes it any easier.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted January 12, 2010

    Love & Respect

    As a young woman I have read my fair share of relationship books, whether they be about dating, marriage or the guy/girl dynamics and in most of these types of books they have outlined the different needs a man and woman has. Men want respect. Women want love. Easier said than done. Because I have heard this model before I was interested in how this author would portray the dynamic in this book, being titled itself, "The Language of Love & Respect."

    The author uses Ephesians 5:33 to help the reader understand a marriage relationship. This was refreshing to me because as a Christian woman I use God's Word as final authority, so seeing this dynamic in the Bible was key for me. This book not only uses the Bible to show what a godly marriage should look like, but it also gives practical tools. Not all of these will come in handy at this point in my life as I'm not married yet, but I believe it would be of great use to those who are married.

    The only drawback is I felt that the book was a bit wordy and at times repetitive, so I wish the author would have cleaned up his ideas and made it more succint, but the content of the book is great. I would recommend this to readers who are married or are close to that stage in their life. Understanding the importance of communication and how to center a marriage around God's Word is key to success.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted November 19, 2009

    more from this reviewer

    The Language of Love & Respect

    Dr. Emerson Eggerichs' book, The Language of Love & Respect, is nothing short of mini-multi-marriage counseling sessions packaged in 350 pages. While the acrostics and steps and cycles were slightly cumbersome to wade through, the book was quite thorough in addressing what many consider the most challenging issue couples face - communication.

    Eggerichs bases his material on three cycles - The Crazy Cycle in which "without love she reacts and without respect he reacts," The Energizing Cycle in which "his love motivates her respect and her respect motivates his love," and The Rewarded Cycle in which "his love regardless of her respect and her respect regardless of his live."

    To show their love, husbands are encouraged to live out the principles summed up in the acronym C-O-U-P-L-E which stands for: closeness, openness, understanding, peacemaking, loyalty, and esteem. Wives, on the other hand, are encouraged to live out the principles summed up in the acronym C-H-A-I-R-S which stands for: conquest, hierarchy, authority, insight, relationship, and sexuality. The bulk of the book unpacks these two acronyms.

    I also found several sub-principles very helpful. These include: The issue is seldom the issue. Unconditional really means unconditional. Assume the best about your spouse. Husbands and wives are really different. What comes out of your mouth matters a lot.

    All-in-all, couples who are patient and persistent to work through these 350 pages will surely find more than enough insights to challenge and help elevate their communication with one another. But as with anything worthwhile, the hard part will be putting these principles into practice.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted January 11, 2010

    Book Review - The Language of Love and Respect, by Emerson Eggerich

    Eggerichs' latest is a follow-up to Love and Respect, the 2004 blockbuster which details the needs and responsibilities that husbands and wives have for each other. The new book narrows the focus on one aspect of this dynamic: communication.

    Honestly, I had a hard time staying interested my first time through this book. Not because it wasn't interesting, but because I had heard it all before in the book which inspired it. But the more I consider it, the more I have come to appreciate the new one. While Eggerich goes into more detail about concepts he taught about the first time around, that isn't the real benefit of this new book.

    The best reason for this new book's existence is the vast number of follow-ups and stories sent in from readers. It allows the reader, and the author, to see the results of the Love and Respect principles when they are practiced in real life. Extra-large kudos to Eggerich for including the letters from those for whom these principles didn't work out so well. Such honesty, and willingness to take another look at what was said in the first book, is refreshing.

    If you didn't read the first book, I would recommend you go straight to this one. The essential points of Love and Respect are in the new one. For all readers who are married or hope to be, I recommend The Language of Love and Respect.

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  • Posted December 18, 2009

    Good for someone new to the idea

    The Language of Love & Respect by Cracking the Communication Code With Your Mate was more a let-down, with the notion that it would help with communication with new improved techniques. I did not feel that there was no new information presented, just techniques re-worded or renamed. It was not hard to get caught up with what Dr. Eggerichs had written in his first book because he did a nice job of reviewing the material.

    In the past I have read several of the male vs female communication books (ie men are from mars, women are from Venus and the five love languages) and found those more helpful with communication.
    Though for those who are new to the idea of communicating with the opposite sex, this book is helpful is seeing where others are coming from in their communication and what drives them. This would be a great book for a couple to review in a pre-marriage counseling to see how their partner's communication style is and how to overcome some of the typical challenges relationships face.

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  • Posted December 7, 2009

    Book Review of The Language of Love and Respect

    This book is a retitled paperback release of Cracking the Communication Code.

    Dr. Eggerichs explains that men speak the language of respect, and women speak the language of love. He also presents an easy to use approach for how husbands and wives can learn to speak each other's languages. He talks about the three cycles of marriage: The Energizing Cycle, The Crazy Cycle and The Rewarded Cycle, and gives strategies to prevent getting stuck in "The Crazy Cycle." It can be quite repetitive, but the lessons inside are invaluable to a strong marriage.

    "The Language of Love and Respect" is a very good book. Dr. Eggerichs is easy to read and the applications he suggests seem realistic, and his writing style is peppered with wit and relevant anecdotes. The book is written like a good reference manual, where someone could pick it up, select a principle to briefly read, and understand it in a few short paragraphs because following each of the typical introductory paragraphs, Dr. Eggerichs includes several stories to further explain the presented concepts to his readers.

    Eggerichs also explains the chairs/couple concept to explain this difference and what males and females must do in order to communicate with each other better. These concepts, as well as the TUFTS concept are presented in a clear, understandable way that makes them easy to internalize and use in real life.
    I recommend the book but just take your time and try not to go through it quickly.

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