Customer Reviews for

Men Who Can't Love

Average Rating 4.5
( 46 )
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(37)

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Sort by: Showing 1 – 20 of 37 review with 5 star rating   See All Ratings
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  • Anonymous

    Posted September 24, 2003

    Divorced after 16 days

    I read this book about 5 years ago after my loving, committed boyfriend said we needed to 'slow things way down'. After his begging and pleading to get me back we dated for almost 9 years before we married on Aug 25th, 2003. 16 days later I have filed for divorce after he did a 360 degree change after our Wedding. If it wasn't for this book I would be going CRAZY right now! I know it's not my fault - and that he's the one with the problem! He's already calling saying that he loves me, and doesn't want to loose me. Thank God I'm walking away now - my eyes have been opened because of this wonderful book! This is the most bizarre thing that has ever happened to me! I thank God that I'm a stong person and that I can laugh and make light of all this - due to this book!!!

    2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted April 19, 2012

    I can't recommend this book enough. Even reading the reviews hel

    I can't recommend this book enough. Even reading the reviews help. My story in a nutshell: I was just left by a man who I had been dating seriously for a year and a half. He pursued me like no other. I had come off a 7 year relationship where the last 2 years we had decided we'd be better off as friends and roommates until I could find alternate living arrangements/build my bank acct. back up. At any rate, when I first met this man, he was a white knight, everything I had hoped and prayed for. He literally swept me (and my family and friends off my feet). We met in Nov. By Dec. he told me he loved me. By Jan. he was telling me he wanted to marry me. By Feb. and Mar. he was telling his friends and my friends. By Sept., when I finally let my guard down and started buying bridal magazines and getting excited about it...we started to have problems. He wasn't as blatant as some of the cases in this book. But wow...so many of the characteristics really did fit him to a tee. He began to withdraw from me physically. As a normal adult, I tried to discuss this with him. We had a few arguments about that (and some other things...normal relationship stuff that didn't get internalized or dragged out). After a trip over a long weekend, his selfish ways in the intimacy dept. finally frustrated me enough to say something during our trip. He had done a complete 180 from how he treated me in the beginning. At first I thought he was embarrassed or really upset about the way I handled the conversation...we didn't speak on the whole ride home from the trip. But then when we got in the door, he broke up with me. From then on in, he started citing all these reasons, "personality flaws" that he claimed I had (not being patient enough, not understanding enough, too confrontational) for breaking up with me. He broke up with me at least 6 or 7 times before the final one..which came after the only arguments we were having were on the direction of the relationship. Oddly, these "flaws" were things that attracted him to begin with ...things that were out in full force when he said he wanted to love and marry me. Then they became problems. I even went to counseling to figure out how to mesh better with this man. He always talked about the future when things were going well. But the minute there was conflict, he would break up with me without discussion. It made me more and more insecure until the only point of contention was whether this was moving forward or not. We had plenty in common, got along with each other's friends and family, had the same values and lifestyle. But when it came to "the next step" (as he called it)...all of a sudden he wasn't comfortable taking it...as if it was something I had done to facilitate that...when he had been the one to initiate it! One day he loved me and the next, he'd break up with me. Then he wouldn't get far. He'd talk about the future then said we weren't ready for it yet. Finally, he picked a petty argument with me, blew it into outrageous proportions and ended it...kicked me out of his house, his life, blocked me from his phone, leaving email as the only avenue to communicate. For over a month I tried to get answers from him. I got 6 or 7 various ones, never specific. Things like he didn't like the expectations of a relationship or I couldn't change or I put too much pressure on him (pressure was the biggest buzz word of our relationship). This book helped me realize that despite his blame shifting, it wasn't me. Ever.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted April 14, 2009

    Buy this Book!

    I could not believe how informative and helpful this book was to me. It was like the authors had a written script of my past relationship and were reading it back to me. Everything they said was so on target! It really helped me to understand more about the commitment issues that my boyfriend had and also my own. I wish I had read it three years ago when I first started to see my ex boyfriend. I think this will give me the strength to move forward and try to find someone who is available to me and open to commitment. I strongly recommend this book to everyone who is with someone who is emotionally unavailable to them. I would like to thank the authors for helping me.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted October 3, 2008

    Supplemental Reading Recommended

    After reading this tremendously helpful book, I recommend following it with another tremendously helpful one for the woman who has been crushed, broken, destroyed by commitmentphobic men & is in search of healing so she can get back on the road to recovery and life 'thankfully without those suckers': 'The Journey From Abandonment To Healing' by Susan Anderson. AMAZING! I am TIRED of wasting 2 years of precious life ceaselessly grieving & mourning the loss of losers who threw away a good thing, EVERY TIME it happens. Hopefully this book will help BREAK that pattern for good! I'm getting too old for it.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted September 23, 2008

    Eye Opener

    This book was an eye-opener and a source of comforting reassurance a few years ago when I struggled with the same repeated relationship difficulties--that dreaded hot-and-cold pursuit/avoidance dance when all you really want is to have a warm, committed, mutually involved intimate bond with the person you adore. It got to the point where I wondered what was wrong with me and what I was doing wrong in romantic relationships that made men want to run away from a stable commitment. This book helped me understand it wasn't all my fault. It made me angry to learn about the way so many men treat women in their relationships because of their ambivalence--particularly sudden abandonment, to which I can relate all too well. But it also gave me relief to finally understand what was happening and why. I loved the best--and saddest--piece of advice, which is so difficult to do but truly honest: 'Get out of a relationship with a commitmentphobic man before he breaks your heart.' Because I know from personal experience--as I'm sure millions of women out there also have painfully experienced--sooner or later he WILL break your heart, you can't magically change him no matter how wonderful you are, and all the insane back-and-forth you'll get from him between ecstasy and misery WILL rip you apart. This book helped me take control of the tail end of a heart-wrenching no-win emotional struggle. Unfortunately I had to end a relationship that would neither thrive nor die, but thanks to this book I was able to get out on my own terms. As I look back I can see that following this book's advice was the right decision. It can help you salvage your last couple of pieces of self-worth and confidence.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted March 17, 2007

    This book saved my life.

    I had been with a man who without a doubt, was a textbook case, as noted in this book. It is a godsend. I kept thinking that it was me. That I was imagining all of the things he was doing, like disappearing in time for my birthday, or Christmas, or Valentine's Day. This book outlined the behavior of men like this to the letter. Ladies out there: It is not you! When you read this book you will see that this is indeed a serious emotional disorder that these men cannot change without years and years of therapy. In the case with my ex, he had been traumatized in childhood by his mother passing away early on and being molested by a female cousin at the age of 7. He went on to marry a woman and stay married for 10 years before she got out. To hear him tell it, she was the bad guy. I bought it for awhile, but now I know better. Outwardly, he was fine, shaky but fine. He was pleasant, funny and nice to be around. But deep within, this was a very damaged individual. I made allowances for his shortcomings. But when he became emotionally abusive, and started sleeping with several other women behind my back, I knew it was time to move on. Cheating on me with other women was just one part of it. But that was the least, because I know that none of them would ever get anything more emotionally from him than I did. The book shows you that they do this to 'create distance' from you. They put out behavior that they know is so repugnant to you so that you will leave. Therefore, no commitment, see? The 'I Love You's' I got came from someone so damaged. He is out of my life forever now. Because I know that I cannot cure him. I stayed for a long time thinking that if I was just more kind and loving and patient that he would change. I know now that I was wrong. And exposing myself to this behavior was slowly killing me and diminishing me as a woman. Get this book today. For me, it gave me the strength to move on and also, it was as if someone turned the lights on in my world for the first time in a very long time. I thank the authors of this book. They are a blessing.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted September 25, 2005

    Bad Title, Fantastic Book

    Sometimes relationships are like fairy tales- a woman is swept off her feet, and then plans for happily ever after. But many fairy tales have gruesome endings and if you're involved with a man with commitment issues, your relationship will eventually go bad, making you wonder what happened. Carter and Sokol coined the term 'commitment phobia' and this book takes the reader the the usual steps of a romance with a commitment phobic. These men have identifiable patterns, and commitment to them isn't always the same as what commitment means to you. Relationships with men who have these issues can be heartbreaking, and leave the woman wondering what she did wrong. The book isn't about blame- it's about recognizing people with dysfunctional patterns and dealing with them- although the easiest solution of all is to recognize the commitment phobe early on and just avoid him all together.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted December 30, 2004

    This is the best book out there

    After my serious boyfriend did a 180 after professing his love to me I was devastated beyond belief. Went through a year long depression until I read this book. It's very comforting to know this is a common occurance and has nothing to do w/ the woman.My self esteem came back full force!

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted April 30, 2002

    Commitment-Phobia and My Codependancy

    This book helped me identify the signs of my Commitment Phobic boyfriend. I also saw the signs of my codependency, which would not allow me to leave this relationship. After reading this book, I stopped falling into the same old trap and actually MOVED away. It was the only way I could trust that I wouldn't fall back into the same old routine that had taken over my life for four years. Once I became a strong person and could say, 'No' to this relationship I have moved on and found a man who love and RESPECTS me. Thanks!

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted June 14, 2001

    This book made me realize it was him, not me!

    I am an extremely guarded person and I met someone who tore down the wall and I let him. When he was with me I got 100% attention. The problem was pinning down time. He had a million excuses always.....the family, the job, didn't get my message. Then one day after I moved into my new place with my soon, poof, he was gone after breakfast and I haven't seen him since. I went through 8 months of hell, then someone handed me this book and it changed me forever. Now I know the signs. I recommend all women and men read this.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted June 19, 2001

    Some Enlightenment

    A commitment phobic man will leave you sitting there, confused and asking why. This is were I was after seven years of dating someone who sent confusing signals and left me lingering for years. This book helps provide clearity. Highly recommended for all women.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted June 21, 2001

    Life-Saving

    After my long term boyfriend sent me my favorite flowers and a letter breaking up with me out of nowhere, I knew I had to do something to help me through it. I was completely devastated. I ordered this book and it is excellent! I recommend it for anyone who has been through an 'out of the blue' break-up and doesn't understand what happened. This book most importantly teaches you that it wasn't your fault...he's the one with the problem! What a relief that was after I was feeling that I was somehow 'unloveable.' These men are terrified of commitment and the better a relatioship is, the faster they run from it.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted December 14, 2000

    This book helped save my sanity!

    I have been involved with a handsome, 27 year old policeman who up until recently has adored me. What has been a sweet, romantic, and passionate love affair has abruptly begun to turn into a stress-filled daily battle of mixed messages and confusion. I have been feeling that, in spite of the beautiful gifts, compliments, flowers, and loving attention he gives me, that things could end at any given moment. I could not pinpoint why I had this terrible fear, that is until I read this book. It helped put my thoughts and emotions into perspective which helped me to see I wasn't going crazy. In addition, unlike some books related to the subject, this one offered some good suggestions for getting through the trauma and over the hurdles that come with loving a commitment-phobic man. I'm grateful it was written.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted June 7, 2000

    This book SAVED MY LIFE.

    I thought I would go crazy when my boyfriend left me in January. After a year and a half, I'd finally let my guard down and had really started to fall in love. Things were great between us until I came home from Christmas vacation and found that he'd taken all of his things and moved out of our apartment. This book helped me understand that this is classic commitmentphobic behavior. I've read over 20 books on relationships in the last few months. This book was, without a doubt, the most helpful. It's such a comfort to know that others have suffered through similar affairs, that it's not my fault and that there are ways to recognize this behavior pattern and stay away from commitmentphobic men in the future.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted April 7, 2000

    THIS BOOK HAS SAVED ME EMOTIONALLY!

    I only wish I had known about this book when it was first published. It has been like receiving 20 years of therapy. Finally after 2 divorces and several, failed relationships, I have come to realize that it REALLY wasn't me. It is the best money I have ever spent.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted April 21, 2013

    Great Book!

    This book is a must read for any woman who felt blindsided when a great relationship ended without explanation.
    It helped me to make sense when nothing made sense.
    I only wished I had read it before my heart was broken!

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  • Posted July 13, 2012

    Well, I just read the other reviews and ditto....I saw this book

    Well, I just read the other reviews and ditto....I saw this book years ago and thought it was just a catchy phrase, never though it was a real mental condition!
    I thought I was crazy, I had never been with a man who professed to love me so much, spend so much time, text me all day long and then out of no where decided (1 month before our 1 year together) to stop texting, communicating, down to seeing me Fri and Saturdays only....then during the week suddenly he had no time to see me. He treated me with so much disregard so I would leave him. Then after I finally broke up, I checked his FB only to see his new girlfriend and he had been dating along the same last few weeks...he was trying to keep the both of us! He went from being warm, expressive, head over heels to barely holding my hand....ladies at first sign of pulling away, back up and RUN!!! and then go read this book. I am grieving as if he died, that is the only way I can deal with this.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted September 26, 2011

    It's not you, its HIM

    This book is a must read if you have had your heart broken by one of these men. They are so good at selling themselves and go above & beyond to get right were they want you... You think u have met the man of your dreams. AND , well it falls apart, you are devastated, trying to figure out where it all went wrong... I was one of those women, devastated, confused, and when I found this book it was just what I needed. He still says he will "love me" forever... whatever that means...I had to end it before he did for my own self preservation & sanity.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted October 19, 2009

    Great read

    If you have ever wondered why someone couldn't commit or didn't care, this is a very informative, accurate read.

    0 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted November 29, 2006

    This book changed my life!!!

    This book was wrote as if somebody was telling a story about the last 2 years of my life with a commitmentphobic man. It opened my eyes and gave me the will to walk away - forever. For 2 years I went back and forth about every 2 weeks..Literally HUNDREDS (yes, hundreds - I kept count) of breakups, promises he'd change, lost friendships, lost respect, and lost self esteem. I highly recomend this book. Thanks to the author for saving me more heartache.

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