Read an Excerpt

Stuff Hipsters Hate: Being Conventionally Attractive

In the hipster world, being hot is a lot less important than being “interesting-looking.” While a dude with close-cropped hair, a chiseled jaw and a swimmer’s physique may be a prime physical specimen to the rest of society, to a hipster he’s pretty much a nonentity. Let us suppose that people only really take note of the members of the opposite sex that they find attractive, rendering the rest of society invisible: When a hipster walks into, say, Abercrombie & Fitch, it is as if she is walking into a room bereft of humanity, filled only with douchey clothing. In order to make oneself visible, and therefore sexually viable to a hipster girl, one must find a way in which to distinguish oneself from the cellophane crowd.
Really, it’s simple mathematics.

Take one attractive man and add one (or all) of the following:
A mullet
Over-sized, “nerd” glasses
A coloring book of half-finished tattoos
Fucked-up orthodontia (there’s a reason Death Cab For Cutie has a whole fucking song called “Crooked Teeth”)
An anachronistic ‘stache
And what do you get? Tragically marred beauty. And there’s nothing hipsters love more than tragedy.

Note: This method can also save out-right ugly dudes from living the celibate life. It’s amazing what a well-placed tat and some camouflaging facial hair can do for a guy who would otherwise be spending his Saturday nights watching My So-Called Life next to a box of tissues…for the tears…