Read an Excerpt

The Sexy Vegan Cookbook

Extraordinary Food from an Ordinary Dude

New World Library

The Most Important Meal of the Day ... cocktails!

The Bloodbath

The Arnold Bomber

The Dirty Dudetini

The Knucklehead

The Numbskull

The Get Busy

WHETHER YOU'RE GETTING TUNED UP before a night out, in need of a little "hair of the dog" the next morning, or having some civilized libations at a skinny jeans– and hoodie–clad hipster dinner party, these beverages are sure to positively affect both the palate and the blood alcohol content.

THE BLOODBATH

I wouldn't call this one the "Breakfast of Champions" — it's more like the "Breakfast of Runners-Up." Adobo sauce is the delicious stuff in which canned chipotle peppers are packed. You can find it in the Mexican section of most markets.

Makes 1 cocktail

1 shot (1½ fluid ounces) vodka
1 cup canned, bottled, or fresh tomato juice
¼ teaspoon vegan Worcestershire sauce (see WTF below)
Pinch of salt
Pinch of pepper
Pinch of celery seed
¼ teaspoon adobo sauce
Celery stalk, for garnish

Fill a pint glass halfway with ice. In a cocktail shaker, combine the vodka, tomato juice, Worcestershire, salt, pepper, celery seed, and adobo. Shake for 5 seconds to mix thoroughly, and pour over the ice. Garnish with a celery stalk and any dignity or self-respect you may have dropped on the floor the night before.

WTF is not vegan about Worcestershire sauce?

Believe it or not, it's made with anchovies. There are, however, a few fantastic vegan versions out there. You can find vegan Worcestershire sauce at a natural foods market or on the interwebs.

THE ARNOLD BOMBER

The first three ingredients here make a killer lemonade. Just please be sure to always use fresh lemon juice in all your food preparation ... or else you will be destroyed.

Makes 2 cocktails

½ cup fresh lemon juice
3 cups water
½ cup agave nectar
1 shot (1½ fluid ounces) rum
1 shot (1½ fluid ounces) vodka
1 shot (1½ fluid ounces) white tequila
1 shot (1½ fluid ounces) gin
½ shot (¾ fluid ounce) triple sec
8 ounces cola

In a pitcher or bowl, whisk together the lemon juice, water, and agave, and set aside. Fill a cocktail shaker halfway with ice, and add the rum, vodka, tequila, gin, and triple sec. Shake for 5 seconds to mix thoroughly. Fill two pint glasses halfway with ice cubes and strain the contents of the shaker into the glasses. Then pour half of the lemon juice mixture into each glass and stir to combine with the liquor. Let the contents of the glasses rest for a few seconds until perfectly still, and then slowly pour 4 ounces of cola on top to get that half-and-half Arnold Palmer look.

THE DIRTY DUDETINI

Martinis used to be cool. Jackie Gleason, George Burns, Dean Martin, James Bond — all martini guys. I know, I sound like I'm a hundred years old, but I challenge you to name one cool person who's ever ordered an appletini. I'm not even going to wait for an answer, because I know there isn't one. The world is aching for martinis to be cool again. Here's my offering.

Makes 1 cocktail

2 fluid ounces gin
1 tablespoon dry vermouth
1 tablespoon Crazy Shit Vinegar (see recipe, page 194)
1 slice pickled jalapeno, for garnish (optional; see Tip, page 195)
1 slice pickled carrot, for garnish (optional; see Tip, page 195)

Place your martini glass in the freezer. Fill a cocktail shaker with ice, and add the gin, vermouth, and vinegar. Stir with a long-handled spoon for 30 seconds. Remove the glass from the freezer, strain the contents of the shaker into the glass, and add the jalapeno and carrot garnishes, if using.

THE KNUCKLEHEAD

You probably could have guessed that I'm a huge Three Stooges fan. I watched their show as a kid, and I still watch it today. The Stooges were comic geniuses, dynamic performers, and true originals. When I needed names for this cocktail and the next one, I turned to my boys for inspiration.

Makes 1 cocktail

3 thin slices cucumber
4 or 5 mint leaves
1 lime wedge
4 or 5 ice cubes
1 shot (1½ fluid ounces) gin
6 fluid ounces tonic water

Place the cucumber and mint in the bottom of a highball glass, and smash them together with a muddler or the handle of a wooden spoon for 5 seconds. Squeeze the juice from the lime wedge over the crushed cucumber and mint, add the ice, gin, and tonic, and give it a stir. Drop in the squeezed lime wedge for good measure, and consume.

THE NUMBSKULL

This is basically a margarita made from scratch, but I make a hibiscus-infused syrup to take the place of the sugar or simple syrup. You can find the dried hibiscus flowers in Mexican markets or on the interwebs. You can also put this delightful hibiscus syrup on other stuff that gets syrup, like pancakes.

Makes 4 cocktails

4 shots (6 fluid ounces) white tequila
½ cup fresh lime juice
½ cup triple sec
½ cup Hibiscus Syrup (recipe follows)
4 cups ice cubes
Lime Zest Salt (recipe follows)
1 lime wedge

In a blender, combine the tequila, lime juice, triple sec, hibiscus syrup, and ice, and blend on high until the mixture is slushy. Spread out the lime zest salt on a small plate. Rub the lime wedge along the rims of 4 margarita or rocks glasses to moisten them, then rub the rims of the glasses in the lime zest salt to coat them. Pour the frozen drink into the glasses, and try not to give yourself brain freeze.

HIBISCUS SYRUP

Store your extra syrup in a tightly closed mason jar in the fridge. It will last at least 4 months.

Makes 3 cups

2 cups water
½ cup dried hibiscus flowers
4 cups unrefined granulated sugar

In a nonreactive pot (like stainless steel or enamel), bring the water to a boil. Turn off the heat and add the hibiscus. Let the hibiscus steep for 25 minutes, then strain the mixture into another pot, pressing the hibiscus to extract all the liquid. (Now you have hibiscus tea. If you let it cool, slightly sweeten it, and pour it over ice, it makes a refreshing beverage on its own.) Add the sugar and bring the mixture to a boil, stirring until the sugar dissolves. Let it cool to room temperature before using.

LIME ZEST SALT

Store your extra lime zest salt in an airtight container at room temperature. It will last at least 6 months.

Makes 1 cup

1 cup kosher or sea salt
Zest of three limes

In a food processor, pulse the salt and zest until finely ground and fully combined.

THE GET BUSY

Turn to the person next to you, and ask them if they want one.

Makes 6 cocktails

1 cup roughly chopped strawberries
2 tablespoons unrefined granulated sugar
2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice
One 750 ml bottle champagne, sparkling wine, or prosecco
High-quality dark chocolate (optional)

Place the strawberries, sugar, and lemon juice in a bowl and mix well. This is called macerating (that's ma-CER-ating, people), which draws out the strawberries' natural sugars. Cover and refrigerate for 1 hour. Then, in a blender or food processor, puree the mixture. You can strain the puree through cheesecloth if you want to remove some of the seeds, but I personally don't mind them. Pour 4 ounces of champagne into each of the 6 glasses and, with a long-handled spoon, gently stir 1 tablespoon of the strawberry puree into each glass. (Any extra puree will be great in your morning smoothie.) Serve with the dark chocolate. Then have sex, either with yourself or with whoever else is there (as long as they're into it).

Beatin' The Meat meat substitutes

Basic Seitan

My Balls

Pretend Italian Sausages

Pretend Breakfast Sausage Patties

Tempeh Bacon

Pretend Canadian Bacon

Tempeh Chorizo

Q: What do you call a roomful of vegan dudes?

A: A soysage party.

IF YOU WERE BORN IN THE USA during the past century, you were born into a culture of meat. If you weren't born during the past hundred years, then you're either astonishingly old or from the future ...and in either of these cases, I've got some questions. But let's say you were born in the twentieth century. Your parents were most likely not vegetarian or vegan, and there was probably even some semi-digested cheeseburger hanging out in your umbilical cord when it was cut (actually, I'm not sure if umbilical cords work that way — just roll with it). You grew up knowing meat as "the thing that goes in the middle of the plate." It may have been surrounded by veggies, or a grain, or, in my case, cheese, dough, and sauce, but no matter what, it was always there. How it came to be the centerpiece of our diets is debatable. But whether you believe it arrived out of necessity or through really, really good brainwa — er, um, I mean marketing, all that matters now is that you're reading this book. You have decided to reduce or eliminate your meat consumption, and that is fantastic! There may be times, especially when you're a new vegan, that you'll be jonesin' like a crackhead for some good old-fashioned spaghetti and meatballs, a mile-high deli sando, or some smoky bacon strips. Well, allow me to take care of those phantom itches and show you a few easy and delicious things to put where the meat used to go.

BASIC SEITAN

There are exactly 304,717.82 ways to make seitan, and here's one of them. It's simple, it's versatile, it's delicious, and it's a perfect intro to the world of seitan. Master it. Once you get the technique down and see how to cook and flavor seitan, you'll find the possibilities are as endless as the number of digits in pi. I must say that the tenderness is a result of adding mashed potatoes to the mix, a stroke of pure genius on my part. Yes, I just called myself a genius. You can slice this seitan for sandwiches, grind it for tacos, or make it into cutlets and strips for grilling. You can also chill it and place it on your eye after getting busted up in an underground bare-knuckled boxing match.

Makes 1 pound

½ pound russet potatoes, peeled and quartered
1 cup vital wheat gluten flour (see WTF below)
1 tablespoon chickpea flour or all-purpose flour
2 tablespoons Seitan Seasoning (see recipe, page 208)
1/3 cup low-sodium tamari or soy sauce (see WTF, next page)
½ teaspoon vegan Worcestershire sauce (see WTF, page 12)
1/3 cup plus 2 tablespoons water
¾ cup drained freshly cooked or rinsed canned white beans (cannellini, navy, etc.)

In a small pot, cover the potatoes with cold water, and bring to a boil. Boil for 8 to 10 minutes, or until the chunks easily fall apart when you put a fork through them. Drain the potatoes well and, while they're still hot, gently mash with a fork until there are no chunks left, or pass through a potato ricer. Set aside to cool. In a medium bowl, whisk together the wheat gluten, chickpea flour, and seitan seasoning.

WTF is vital wheat gluten?

It is the natural protein found in wheat. Making seitan from scratch appears to be an enormous pain in the ass, and I will never, ever do it. What I call for in this book is vital wheat gluten flour. You can get it at any health food store or on the interwebs.

WTF is tamari?

Tamari is a darker, richer, less salty, wheat-free version of soy sauce. You can find it at any Asian market, in the Asian section of a grocery store, or on the interwebs.

In a food processor or blender, puree the tamari, Worcestershire, water, and beans. When the potatoes are cool enough to handle, add them and the bean mixture to the bowl with the dry ingredients, and mash it all together with your hands to form a soft dough, making sure there are no dry parts remaining. Let the dough rest at room temperature for 10 minutes before using. You can also wrap the dough in plastic and store it in the refrigerator for later use. It will last for 5 days.

• Seitan Slices (for sandwiches)

Shape the dough into a 2½-inch-diameter log. Wrap it loosely in foil (it will need space to expand during cooking), making sure the packet's completely sealed. Using a steamer basket, steam the seitan for 1 hour, then remove the foil, and let cool to room temperature. Then, for easier slicing, you can place it in the freezer for about 30 minutes until firm. You'll be able to get thinner slices this way. Store the slices in a zip-top bag for up to a week.

• Seitan Cutlets (great for grilling, chopping up for salads, or stirfries)

Divide the dough into six portions. Flatten the portions on a cutting board with a rolling pin or your hand until they are an oblong shape, 3 to 4 inches long, 2 to 3 inches wide, and ¼ inch thick. Place a cutlet on a 12-by-12-inch square of foil. Leaving some space for expansion, loosely fold the sides of the foil over the dough, forming a flat packet. There is no need to twist or seal the ends of the foil. Repeat until you have six foil packets. Place one packet on top of another one, and repeat until you have three stacks of two packets. Take each stack and wrap the two packets together in another piece of foil, again leaving space for expansion, but this time crimp the edges of the foil together to seal the packets. So now you have three packets containing two cutlets each. Using a steamer basket, steam the cutlets for 1 hour, then remove and let cool to room temperature. Now you can do with them what you please ... within the letter of the law, of course.

MY BALLS

Here they are! For the whole planet to behold ... My Balls! You can place them atop a pile of spaghetti or line them up in a hoagie roll, smother them with tomato sauce and your favorite vegan cheese, and bake for a killer ball-parm sando.

Makes 10 to 12 balls

4 ounces tempeh
½ cup raw walnuts
1 tablespoon nutritional yeast (see WTF, next page)
1 teaspoon minced fresh Italian parsley
¼ teaspoon dried oregano
¼ teaspoon dried basil
¼ teaspoon dried thyme
2 cloves garlic, roughly chopped
¼ cup diced yellow onion
½ teaspoon vegan Worcestershire sauce (see WTF, page 12)
1 tablespoon tomato paste
1 teaspoon low-sodium tamari or soy sauce (see WTF, page 25)
1 tablespoon water
1 tablespoon extra-virgin olive oil, plus more to lube the baking sheet and coat the balls
Salt and pepper

Preheat the oven to 350°F. Using a steamer basket, steam the tempeh for 25 minutes to soften it. Then let it cool. In a food processor, combine the walnuts, nutritional yeast, parsley, oregano, basil, thyme, garlic, onion, Worcestershire, tomato paste, tamari, water, and oil, and process until you have a semi-moist meal.

In a bowl, crumble the steamed tempeh with your hands until there are no big chunks left. Then add the mixture from the food processor to the bowl, plus a pinch of salt and a grind of pepper, and mash it all together with your hands. You will now be able to form this mass into little balls. Make them just a bit smaller than beer-pong balls (depending on when and where you went to college, you may know them as Ping-Pong balls), about 1½ inches in diameter.

Lube up a baking sheet with the oil, lay the balls on it, coat them with a little more oil, and bake for 30 minutes. My balls are now ready for consumption.

WTF is nutritional yeast?

It's a yellow, flaky, nutty, cheesy-tasting substance. It's made by culturing stuff, and other natural science-y processes that I don't care to learn about. All I care about is that it's a great source of vitamin B12 and deliciousness, so I use it a lot. Find it in the supplement or bulk section of a health food store, or on the interwebs.

PRETEND ITALIAN SAUSAGES

Toss these with some Tomato Killer and sauteed peppers and onions, and throw them on a crusty Italian roll. Classic.

Makes 8 sausages

½ pound russet potatoes, peeled and quartered
1 cup vital wheat gluten flour (see WTF, page 24
2 tablespoons Seitan Seasoning (see recipe, page 208)
¼ teaspoon chili flakes
½ teaspoon fennel seeds
1 tablespoon chickpea flour or all-purpose flour
¼ cup low-sodium tamari or soy sauce (see WTF, page 25)
¾ cup water
¼ cup diced yellow onion
3 cloves garlic, roughly chopped
1 tablespoon chopped oil-packed sun-dried tomatoes
½ cup drained freshly cooked or rinsed canned white beans (cannellini, navy, etc.)
Extra-virgin olive oil (optional)

In a small pot, cover the potatoes with cold water, and bring to a boil. Boil for 8 to 10 minutes, or until the chunks easily fall apart when you put a fork through them. Drain the potatoes well and, while they're still hot, gently mash with a fork until there are no chunks left, or pass through a potato ricer. Set aside to cool.

In a bowl, whisk together the wheat gluten, seitan seasoning, chili flakes, fennel seeds, and chickpea flour. In a food processor or blender, puree the tamari, water, onion, garlic, sun-dried tomatoes, and beans. When the potatoes are cool enough to handle, add them and the bean mixture to the bowl with the dry ingredients, and mash it all together with your hands to form a soft dough, making sure there are no dry parts remaining. Let the dough rest for 10 minutes before using. You can also wrap it in plastic and store it in the refrigerator for later use. It will last for 5 days.

Form the dough into a loaf-like shape and cut it in half. Then cut those halves in half. Finally, cut the halves of the halves into five-sixteenths ... just kidding, cut them in half. Now you'll have 8 portions. Roll them into cigar-like shapes, 4 inches long and ½ inch wide. Loosely roll each portion in foil and twist the ends of the foil to seal the packet. Remember to leave some room for expansion. Using a steamer basket, steam for 1 hour. If you want crispier outsides, after the sausages have steamed, fry them in a skillet or grill them with a little olive oil for a couple of minutes, until browned.

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Excerpted from The Sexy Vegan Cookbook by Brian L. Patton. Copyright © 2012 Brian L. Patton. Excerpted by permission of New World Library.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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