Table of Contents
Introduction ix
The Good Stuff
From I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell: "Tucker Tries Buttsex, Hilarity Does Not Ensue" 3
From Assholes Finish First: "Tucker Goes To Campout, Owns Duke Nerds" 12
From Hilarity Ensues: "Sexting with Tucker Max" 36
The Leftovers
Tucker Goes to Muslim Wedding, Drinks Anyway 95
Nantucket Sucks 100
Fuck the Fucking Headboard 119
The Junior Stories 123
LA Sucks 123
Junior and the French Whore 130
How Iron Chef Morimoto (and Junior) got me kicked out of my own charity event 137
Junior's Marriage 146
Some Glimpses into My Childhood 154
Mom! 154
I just like to say 'smock' 155
Guacamole is delicious 156
How I learned to masturbate 158
Ambi-jerk-strous 160
The Marley Stories 164
Doggy Basics 164
Why responsibility can suck 165
Marley goes to dog park, humps everything 166
Marley goes to bar, finally earns his keep 167
Ugly girl hits on Tucker, is duped 170
Dog people don't have a sense of humor 171
Dude, we are Drinking Too Much 173
I Scored at the Swamp! 178
Tucker Goes to Doctor, Hilarity Ensues 187
The Blowjob Interludes 193
The Fat Girl Leftovers 198
Fat and Racist 199
The Tucker Max Diet 202
Girl Determined To Fuck Tucker 209
Funny Odds & Ends 213
Tucker Debates Postmodernism, Wrestles Midgets 229
The DBA Story 233
Homeless People are Good for Something 243
Boyfriend Copies Tucker 245
Not All Imitation Is Flattering 245
So What Gave It Away? 247
Sometimes the Truth Does Hurt 248
The Time I Got Arrested at O'Hare Airport 252
My Real Life Law School Application Essay 256
Special Bonus
More SlingBlade Stuff 263
The Hulk 263
Slingblade 263
10 Things I Hate About You 264
Black Hawk Down 265
Brotherhood of the Wolf 266
