1002 Humorous Illustrations for Public Speaking: Fresh, Timely, Compelling Illustrations for Preachers, Teachers, and Speakers [NOOK Book]

Overview

Lasso Them With Laughter

The way to your listeners’ hearts is through their funny bones. Want to grab their attention? Do it with humor. Need to drive home a point they’ll remember? Nothing does it better than a rib-tickling anecdote—like the ones in this book. 1002 Humorous Illustrations for Public Speaking is jam-packed with one-liners, ...
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1002 Humorous Illustrations for Public Speaking: Fresh, Timely, Compelling Illustrations for Preachers, Teachers, and Speakers

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Overview

Lasso Them With Laughter

The way to your listeners’ hearts is through their funny bones. Want to grab their attention? Do it with humor. Need to drive home a point they’ll remember? Nothing does it better than a rib-tickling anecdote—like the ones in this book. 1002 Humorous Illustrations for Public Speaking is jam-packed with one-liners, jokes, humorous stories, and pithy proverbs for just about any subject or circumstance under the sun.

Pick your topic. Appearances, Communication, Opportunity, Prayer, Self-Image,
Sports . . . these and plenty more come to you conveniently alphabetized, numbered, and indexed for instant referencing. There’s even a space for you to log what you use, so fresh nuttiness doesn’t become old chestnuts.

Tested by preachers and public speakers, this ensemble of humor is just the ticket to get your audience laughing—and listening.
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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9780310871255
  • Publisher: Zondervan
  • Publication date: 8/10/2010
  • Sold by: Zondervan Publishing
  • Format: eBook
  • Pages: 448
  • Sales rank: 923,697
  • File size: 2 MB

Meet the Author

Michael E. Hodgin is the author of 1001 Humorous Illustrations for Public Speaking and 1001 More Humorous Illustrations for Public Speaking. He edits The Pastor's Story File and Parables, Etc., two newsletters for pastors and public speakers. He lives in Platteville, Colorado.
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Read an Excerpt

1002 Humorous Illustrations for Public Speaking

Fresh, Timely, Compelling Illustrations for Preachers, Teachers, and Speakers
By Michael E. Hodgin

Zondervan

Copyright © 2004 Zondervan
All right reserved.

ISBN: 0-310-25602-X


Chapter One

1 TOPIC: Ability

How She Looks

After the doctor completed his examination of a woman, he took her husband to the side. "I don't like the looks of your wife at all," the doctor confided.

"She may not be much to look at, Doc," agreed the husband. "But listen, she's an excellent cook and the kids seem to like her."

Dates & Places Used:

2 TOPIC: Ability

Dogs and Bikes

An animal shelter attendant checked the identification tag of a dog that was brought in by the police. He then called the owner and explained that she would need to come to the animal shelter and pay the fines and charges, and then she could get her dog.

The woman asked, "What are these fines and charges?"

The attendant answered, "You have to pay the animal shelter's standard charges and the police department's fine because your dog was chasing a man on his bicycle."

The woman hesitated and said, "That must not be my dog! My dog doesn't know how to ride a bicycle!"

Dates & Places Used:

3 TOPIC: Ability

What I Can Do

There is an old joke about a man who, when he was asked if he could play a violin, answered, "I don't know. I've never tried."

This is psychologically a very wise reply. Those who have never tried to play a violin really do not know whether or not they can. Those who say too early in life and too firmly, "No, I'm not at all musical," shut themselves off prematurely from whole areas of life that may have proved rewarding.

Each of us has unknown possibilities, undiscovered potentialities. One big advantage of having an open self-concept rather than a rigid one is that we will continue to expose ourselves to new experiences and therefore continue to discover more and more about ourselves as we grow older.

Dates & Places Used:

4 TOPIC: Ability

Seen the Dog Bowl

A mother asked her son, "Have you seen the dog bowl?"

"No," the boy replied, "but he's pretty good at skating!"

Dates & Places Used:

5 TOPIC: Ability

One Could Get Hurt

A man decided to commit suicide. Saturating his body with gasoline, he put a rope around his neck and tied it to a tree limb that jutted out over a river. He put a pistol to his temple. He then set a match to his body, jumped from the tree, and pulled the trigger on the pistol. Missing his temple, the bullet hit the rope and cut it, and he fell into the water below, which immediately put out the flames. As he climbed back up the riverbank gasping, he said, "Wow! If I wasn't such a good swimmer, I would have drowned!"

Dates & Places Used:

6 TOPIC: Ability

Milsap on Blindness

"People are always asking me if being blind heightened my sense of hearing. The answer is no. I can't hear the grass grow or anything like that. The thing being blind did do for me was get me into a school where they taught me how to play the piano."

Dates & Places Used:

7 TOPIC: Abuse

Getting Off in Buffalo

An important executive boarded a New York to Chicago train. He explained to the porter, "I'm a heavy sleeper, and I want you to be sure to wake me at 3:00 A.M. to get off at Buffalo. Regardless of what I say, get me up and get me off the train. I may resist you, but I have to get off at Buffalo."

But the next morning the executive awakened just as the train pulled into Chicago. He was infuriated, and with abusive language he poured out his anger on the porter.

As the executive stomped down the platform toward the station, another passenger asked the porter, "How could you stand there and take that kind of talk from that fellow?"

The porter replied, "That was nothing. You should have heard what the man I put off in Buffalo said!"

Dates & Places Used:

8 TOPIC: Abuse

Completely Ignored

A man walked into a psychiatrist's office and said, "My problem is that people seem to ignore me."

The psychiatrist walked to the door and called out, "Next!"

Dates & Places Used:

9 TOPIC: Acceptance

Wanting to Kiss a Mule

A little prospector wearing clean shoes walked into a saloon. A big cowboy said to his friend, "Watch me make this dude dance." He walked over to the prospector and said, "You're a foreigner, aren't you?"

"You might say that," said the little prospector. "I'm from the city, and I'm prospecting for gold."

The cowboy said, "Tell me dude, can you dance?"

The little dude said, "No sir, I never did learn."

"Well I'm going to teach you. You'll be surprised how fast you can learn." With that the cowboy pulled out his gun and started shooting at the prospector's feet.

Hopping, jumping, and shaking, the prospector "danced" out the door.

About an hour later the cowboy left the saloon. As soon as he stepped out the door, he heard a click. He looked around, and there, next to his head, was the biggest shotgun he'd ever seen. The little prospector said, "Cowboy, have you ever kissed a mule?"

"No," said the cowboy, "but I always wanted to."

Dates & Places Used:

10 TOPIC: Accidents

Careless Cruise Control

A man was standing in a motor home dealership when a motor home was towed in for repairs. The front of the home was badly damaged. The man was curious as to how the motor home had gotten so mangled, so he walked over to the service department to ask. The manager explained that the owner of the motor home had been driving on the interstate and had set the cruise control and gone back to the kitchen to make himself a sandwich.

There are just so many things to remember.

Dates & Places Used:

11 TOPIC: Accidents

The Golf Ball Missile

I read about Mathieu Boya, who was practicing his golf swing in a pasture adjacent to the Benin Air Base in Africa. The story goes that back in 1987 he accidentally destroyed his country's entire air force!

With one swing of the golf club, Boya set off an unbelievable series of events. The shot-"a glorious slice" it was called-hit a bird, which in turn dropped onto the windshield of a trainer jet, whose pilot was taxiing into position for takeoff. The pilot lost control of his plane and plowed into four shiny Albatross jets, totally demolishing the entire air force of Benin.

Boya was jailed immediately for "hooliganism," and his attorney said he had no chance of winning a trial. Meanwhile, the country had no money in its treasury and wanted Boya to pay $40 million to replace the jets. Boya made $275 per year and figured it would take 145,000 years to pay off his debt to society.

Few golfers could match that story, although I have heard of some complaining of their "wayward shots." The point is that we have seen what a chain reaction can do. Like falling dominoes, one event leads to a chain of events larger than could have been created by a single event.

But a positive chain of events can happen too. This Sunday our church will kick off our financial campaign. One good pledge can lead to a whole series of exciting things to come. It's time for many of our members to get out their pocketbooks and start some better things rolling at this church.

Dates & Places Used:

12 TOPIC: Accidents

Just the Good News

A woman called her husband at work to talk. He explained that he was very busy and asked her if she could wait until he came home.

(Continues...)



Excerpted from 1002 Humorous Illustrations for Public Speaking by Michael E. Hodgin Copyright © 2004 by Zondervan. Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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Table of Contents

Contents
Preface 9
Illustrations Topically Arranged 11
Index of Subtopics 393
Alphabetical Index of Titles 403
Numerical Index of Titles 415
List of Sources 427
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First Chapter

1 TOPIC: Ability
How She Looks
After the doctor completed his examination of a woman, he took her husband to the side. 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all,' the doctor confided. 'She may not be much to look at, Doc,' agreed the husband. 'But listen, she's an excellent cook and the kids seem to like her.'
Dates & Places Used:
2 TOPIC: Ability
Dogs and Bikes
An animal shelter attendant checked the identification tag of a dog that was brought in by the police. He then called the owner and explained that she would need to come to the animal shelter and pay the fines and charges, and then she could get her dog. The woman asked, 'What are these fines and charges?' The attendant answered, 'You have to pay the animal shelter's standard charges and the police department's fine because your dog was chasing a man on his bicycle.' The woman hesitated and said, 'That must not be my dog! My dog doesn't know how to ride a bicycle!'
Dates & Places Used:
3 TOPIC: Ability
What I Can Do
There is an old joke about a man who, when he was asked if he could play a violin, answered, 'I don't know. I've never tried.' This is psychologically a very wise reply. Those who have never tried to play a violin really do not know whether or not they can. Those who say too early in life and too firmly, 'No, I'm not at all musical,' shut themselves off prematurely from whole areas of life that may have proved rewarding.
Each of us has unknown possibilities, undiscovered potentialities. One big advantage of having an open self-concept rather than a rigid one is that we will continue to expose ourselves to new experiences and therefore continue to discover more and more about ourselves as we grow older.
Dates & Places Used:
4 TOPIC: Ability
Seen the Dog Bowl
A mother asked her son, 'Have you seen the dog bowl?' 'No,' the boy replied, 'but he's pretty good at skating!'
Dates & Places Used:
5 TOPIC: Ability
One Could Get Hurt
A man decided to commit suicide. Saturating his body with gasoline, he put a rope around his neck and tied it to a tree limb that jutted out over a river. He put a pistol to his temple. He then set a match to his body, jumped from the tree, and pulled the trigger on the pistol. Missing his temple, the bullet hit the rope and cut it, and he fell into the water below, which immediately put out the flames. As he climbed back up the riverbank gasping, he said, 'Wow! If I wasn't such a good swimmer, I would have drowned!'
Dates & Places Used:
6 TOPIC: Ability
Milsap on Blindness
'People are always asking me if being blind heightened my sense of hearing. The answer is no. I can't hear the grass grow or anything like that. The thing being blind did do for me was get me into a school where they taught me how to play the piano.'
Dates & Places Used:
7 TOPIC: Abuse Getting Off in Buffalo
An important executive boarded a New York to Chicago train. He explained to the porter, 'I'm a heavy sleeper, and I want you to be sure to wake me at 3:00 A.M. to get off at Buffalo. Regardless of what I say, get me up and get me off the train. I may resist you, but I have to get off at Buffalo.'
But the next morning the executive awakened just as the train pulled into Chicago. He was infuriated, and with abusive language he poured out his anger on the porter.
As the executive stomped down the platform toward the station, another passenger asked the porter, 'How could you stand there and take that kind of talk from that fellow?'
The porter replied, 'That was nothing. You should have heard what the man I put off in Buffalo said!'
Dates & Places Used:
8 TOPIC: Abuse
Completely Ignored
A man walked into a psychiatrist's office and said, 'My problem is that people seem to ignore me.'
The psychiatrist walked to the door and called out, 'Next!'
Dates & Places Used:
9 TOPIC: Acceptance
Wanting to Kiss a Mule
A little prospector wearing clean shoes walked into a saloon. A big cowboy said to his friend, 'Watch me make this dude dance.' He walked over to the prospector and said, 'You're a foreigner, aren't you?'
'You might say that,' said the little prospector. 'I'm from the city, and I'm prospecting for gold.'
The cowboy said, 'Tell me dude, can you dance?'
The little dude said, 'No sir, I never did learn.'
'Well I'm going to teach you. You'll be surprised how fast you can learn.' With that the cowboy pulled out his gun and started shooting at the prospector's feet.
Hopping, jumping, and shaking, the prospector 'danced' out the door.
About an hour later the cowboy left the saloon. As soon as he stepped out the door, he heard a click. He looked around, and there, next to his head, was the biggest shotgun he'd ever seen. The little prospector said, 'Cowboy, have you ever kissed a mule?'
'No,' said the cowboy, 'but I always wanted to.'
Dates & Places Used:
10 TOPIC: Accidents
Careless Cruise Control
A man was standing in a motor home dealership when a motor home was towed in for repairs. The front of the home was badly damaged. The man was curious as to how the motor home had gotten so mangled, so he walked over to the service department to ask. The manager explained that the owner of the motor home had been driving on the interstate and had set the cruise control and gone back to the kitchen to make himself a sandwich.
There are just so many things to remember.
Dates & Places Used:
11 TOPIC: Accidents
The Golf Ball Missile
I read about Mathieu Boya, who was practicing his golf swing in a pasture adjacent to the Benin Air Base in Africa. The story goes that back in 1987 he accidentally destroyed his country's entire air force!
With one swing of the golf club, Boya set off an unbelievable series of events. The shot---'a glorious slice' it was called---hit a bird, which in turn dropped onto the windshield of a trainer jet, whose pilot was taxiing into position for takeoff. The pilot lost control of his plane and plowed into four shiny Albatross jets, totally demolishing the entire air force of Benin.
Boya was jailed immediately for 'hooliganism,' and his attorney said he had no chance of winning a trial. Meanwhile, the country had no money in its treasury and wanted Boya to pay $40 million to replace the jets. Boya made $275 per year and figured it would take 145,000 years to pay off his debt to society.
Few golfers could match that story, although I have heard of some complaining of their 'wayward shots.' The point is that we have seen what a chain reaction can do. Like falling dominoes, one event leads to a chain of events larger than could have been created by a single event.
But a positive chain of events can happen too. This Sunday our church will kick off our financial campaign. One good pledge can lead to a whole series of exciting things to come. It's time for many of our members to get out their pocketbooks and start some better things rolling at this church.
Dates & Places Used:
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