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“An emotional lifeline to mothers everywhere.” —William Pollack, author of Real Boys
“Ann Pleshette Murphy is one of my heroes.”
–T. Berry Brazelton, M.D.
“No one is in a better position to support and inform parents than Ann Pleshette Murphy, whom every parent can look to with extreme confidence because her years of personal experience as a mother, unlimited access to experts and perhaps most important, the special warmth and honesty with which she approaches the joys and challenges of parenthood. As the extraordinarily successful and highly respected editor-in-chief of Parents for more than ten years, she has been able to bring a unique perspective to supporting, advising, and best of all understanding child-rearing issues–always going beyond the obvious and reaching out with depth and empathy. Any parent who reads this book will gain insight and increased confidence.”
–Nancy Samalin, director of Parent Guidance Workshops, NYC & bestselling parenting author whose newest book is Loving Without Spoiling & 100 Other Timeless Tips for Raising Terrific Kids
“Ann Pleshette Murphy is every Mom’s–and Dad’s–best friend. She has captured the complexities, joys, and sorrows of parenting and presented them in ways that help us manage the usual and unusual crises of caring for children in the midst of a busy life. She is like a good parent to her readers: she lends a helping hand, she is a supportive voice in your ear, but her greatest joy is seeing you go off on your own, confident and competent.”
–Samuel J. Meisels, President, Erikson Institute, author of Winning Ways to Learn
“Ann Pleshette Murphy knows what to expect after you’re expecting. Her stories and insights about mothering do more than teach the facts of children’s development. This is a book about adult development–about how running the emotional gauntlet of parenting changes us forever.”
–Justin Richardson, M.D., co-author of Everything You Never Wanted Your Kids to Know About Sex (But Were Afraid They’d Ask)
“Heartwarming, witty, and wise . . . Let Ann Pleshette Murphy be your guide on this charming tour through motherhood.”
–Harvey Karp, M.D., author of The Happiest Baby on the Block
“Annie Murphy has told us rare and liberating truths about parenting. A skilled journalist, she is incredibly observant of herself and her children without being self-serving or narcissistic in the rendering. Her respect for her kids, and ours, sets a standard for parenting books.”
–Kyle Pruett, M.D., author of Fatherneed: Why Father Care is as Essential as Mother Care for Your Child
1. How does Murphy’s approach differ from other investigations into the day-to-day, year-to-year reality of motherhood? Does the subtitle—“Loving Your Life Without Losing Your Mind”—accurately reflect the contents and voice of the book?
2. “Evidently, there’s a lot of pressure on today’s moms to treat pregnancy as a minor inconvenience and to barrel ahead with the confidence of Seabiscuit,” Murphy writes [p. 6]. Where do you think such pressures originate? In what ways do they echo other demands (or perceived demands) made on women today?
3. Did previous generations of women have a clearer, more realistic perspective on motherhood? What effects have the increasing options and opportunities available to women had on their views and their feelings about becoming mothers? Has the progress women have made brought losses as well? What traditional aspects of motherhood, for example, are no longer practiced or valued? Is the “perfect-mom fantasy” [p. 114] a recent phenomenon, or has it always been a factor in women’s lives?
4. Many of the women Murphy interviews postponed motherhood in order to pursue their careers. What particular challenges does this path present? Does it offer advantages that might be lacking in the lives of women who start their families at a younger age?
5. In addition to reminding readers that “childbirth is not a competitive sport” [p. 26] and that you may not “fall head over heels in love with your baby in the delivery room” [p. 32], what other myths about motherhood does The 7 Stages of Motherhood dispel?
6. In discussing the toddler years, Murphy writes, “All of the books on toddlers will tell you that the trick is to anticipate when the overload button is about to start flashing and to use time-out before your child has a fit—not as punishment. But the reality is, you probably won’t be prescient enough to steer clear of emotional land mines” [p. 97]. Do most books on child-rearing establish unrealistic goals for mothers? To what extent are the thousands of articles and books about parenting published every year responsible for increasing, rather than decreasing, the anxieties and apprehensions mothers feel?
7. When her daughter was in preschool, Murphy got a note from her teacher that read “Please make sure Madeleine wears underpants under her skirt tomorrow” [p. 124]. Sending her child to school “bare-assed” is just one of several embarrassing moments Murphy shares in her book. What is the most embarrassing thing you have ever done as a parent? What thoughts ran through your head? Did it teach you something about being a mother that helped you through other mortifying incidents?
8. Murphy writes, “The overwhelming majority of moms I spoke to found that the birth of their baby transformed even the most egalitarian marriage into a kind of Leave It to Beaver time warp” [p. 53]. Was this your experience? If so, what do you think causes this reaction? To what extent can it be attributed to the social or cultural assumptions that influence men who ordinarily think of themselves as feminists? Do most new mothers inadvertently contribute to this by setting themselves up as “experts,” as Murphy admits to doing? What other factors contribute to the way new parents see themselves and their spouses when they start a family? Consider, for example, the influence of media images (from Donna Reed to Desperate Housewives), memories (good and bad) of your own parents, and the patterns you have developed as a married couple on the way you and your spouse envision yourselves as parents. Are the expectations placed on fathers today as complicated and confusing as those mothers face?
9. One of the difficulties of the school years for many mothers is the tendency to live vicariously through their kids [p. 151]. In what ways do communities, schools, and other parents foster this tendency? Why do some mothers find it more difficult than others to draw the line between supportive interest and over-involvement in their children’s lives? What are some of the solutions Murphy and the others offer to avoid this trap?
10. Many social commentators have written about the insidious effects of our materialistic culture on children. What are the dangers of overindulging our children, both in the short term and the long term? Is there ever a downside to setting limits and saying no to kids?
11. Because parenting styles are shaped by each parent’s own childhood and family culture, Murphy suggests that couples make a list of the three most important rules for their own families [p. 178]. What are your top priorities? What do you think your spouse would consider most important? Do your rules embody or defy the patterns set in your childhood families?
12. Drawing on the stories in the book and on your own experiences, discuss how the gender of a child can influence the way mothers treat them and react to their behavior. What have recent writings about adolescent development, including scientific research into the adolescent brain, contributed to our understanding of kids’ behavior during the preteen and teenage years? How do the insights and examples in The 7 Stages of Motherhood enhance the portrait of adolescence emerging today?
13. Murphy talks often about the push-pull dance of independence/dependence we engage in throughout our children’s lives. Was there a time in your experience of motherhood when letting go was particularly hard? If so, why?
14. If you’re the mother of teens (Stage 7), discuss how your own experiences confirm Murphy’s assertion that “during this phase of motherhood we relive all the other stages, experience everything from the panic of our children’s infancy to the frustrations of toddlerhood to the loneliness of the preteen years” [p. 215]. How do both the emotional and practical aspects of parenting a teen make it necessary to reshape “not only your relationship with your child but your identity as a mother” [p. 217]? Do you agree with the chapter title: “It Gets Easier…and Then They Leave”?
15. Murphy calls motherhood “the defining event in a woman’s life” [p. ix]. Do you agree? How does the decision to become a mother differ from other choices women make in their personal and professional lives? Did The 7 Stages of Motherhood lead you to rethink and reevaluate the choices you and people you know have made?