776 Nastiest Things Ever Said

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A hilarious collection of malicious, crude and catty quotes taken straight from the mouths of well-known entertainers, authors, politicians and other public figures.

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Overview

A hilarious collection of malicious, crude and catty quotes taken straight from the mouths of well-known entertainers, authors, politicians and other public figures.

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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9780060950606
  • Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers
  • Publication date: 2/3/1995
  • Edition number: 1
  • Pages: 208
  • Product dimensions: 6.14 (w) x 6.46 (h) x 0.57 (d)

Read an Excerpt

On Accidents:

If Gladstone fell into the Thames, that would be a misfortune, and if anybody pulled him out that, I suppose, would be a calamity.

Benjamin Disraeli, British prime minister, on rival prime minister William Gladstone

On Acting:

Telegram from actress Gertrude Lawrence, about her part in Private Lives:

Nothing wrong that can't be fixed.

Reply from playwright No‰l Coward:

Nothing to be fixed except your performance.

On Acting Ability:

A great actress, from the waist down.

Dame Margaret "Madge" Kendal, actress, on renowned actress Sarah Bernhardt

On Acting, Bad:

Most of the acting could pass for government-inspected ham.

critic John Simon in a review of The Government Inspector as revived by Tony Randall and his New York company

On Acting Technique:

If a fetchingly cleft chin can be called a performance, Schell can be said to act.

critic John Simon on Maximilian Schell

On Acting Technique:

She has made an acting style out of postnasal drip.

critic Pauline Kael on Sandy Dennis

On Acting Technique:

[Sandy Dennis] has balanced her postnasal condition with something like prefrontal lobotomy, so that when she is not a walking catarrh she is a blithering imbecile.

critic John Simon in a review ofThe Fox

On Actors:

I deny I ever said that actors are cattle. What I said was, "Actors should be treated like cattle."

director Alfred Hitchcock

On Actors:

Gene Wilder (playing a mild-mannered accountant in The Producers):

Have you lost your mind?How can you "kill the actors"? . . . Actors are not animals. They're human beings.

Zero Mostel:

They are? Have you ever eaten with one?

On Actors, Egos of:

Some of the greatest love affairs I've known have involved one actor--unassisted.

attributed to Wilson Mizner, part owner of the famous Hollywood hangout the Brown Derby

On Actors in Politics:

My only problem with Ed Asner is that he speaks with the authority of Lou Grant and the brains of Ted Baxter.

John Leboutillier, conservative politician, on activist actor Ed Asner

On Actors, Not So Good:

He had delusions of adequacy.

Walter Kerr, critic, on an anonymous actor

On Actors, Overacting:

Burt Lancaster! Before he can pick up an ashtray, he discusses his motivation for an hour or two. You want to say, "Just pick up the ashtray, and shut up!"

Jeanne Moreau, actress

On Actors, Overwhelmingly Difficult:

Not since Attila the Hun swept across Europe leaving 500 years of total blackness has there been a man like Lee Marvin.

director Josh Logan

On Actors, Sexy:

You can look at De Niro in a film and think, "Something's eating him." You look at Caan and think, "He's eating something . . . pizza?"

Kathy Huffhines on actor James Caan

On Actors, the Final Word:

They shot too many pictures and not enough actors.

columnist Walter Winchell

On Actors, The Final Final Word:

Don't ever forget what I'm going to tell you. Actors are crap.

famed Hollywood director John Ford

On Actors, Summation of Their Movies:

A Picture to Throw Up By.

actor Tom Skerritt describing The Devil's Rain, a film starring John Travolta

On Actresses:

Any of my indiscretions were with people, not actresses.

Darryl F. Zanuck, movie mogul, defending his affairs

On Actresses:

I made the mistake early in my career, when I moved to Hollywood, of being attracted to actresses. I used to go out exclusively with actresses and all other female impersonators.

Mort Sahl, humorist, in Heartland

On Adolescence, Political:

He is a man suffering from petrified adolescence.

Aneurin Bevan, Welsh Labour MP, on Winston Churchill

On Adolescence, Political:

. . . the highest-ranking withdrawn adolescent since Alexander Hamilton in 1794.

columnist Murray Kempton on Robert F. Kennedy

On Adolescence, Political:

I admire Ted Kennedy. How many 59-year-olds do you know who still go to Florida for spring break?

Pat Buchanan, columnist and then Republican presidential hopeful

On Advantages:

She has only two things going for her--a father and a mother.

critic John Simon on Liza Minnelli

On Agents:

Agent:

I was swimming for two hours in shark-infested waters and I got away.

Herman J. Mankiewicz (screenwriter):

I think that's what they call professional courtesy.

On Aging:

Actress:

I dread the thought of forty-five.

Actress Rosalind Russell:

Why? What happened to you then, dear?

On Aging:

Ronald Reagan is remarkably fit, but he doesn't cup his hand to his ear as a sunshade.

Sam Donaldson, journalist

On Aging Rockers, Why Not to
Show Topless:

Their skin had gone purple and blue. They looked like a couple of very unattractive old men, which is basically what they are.

Shem Law, Seventeen magazine art director, explaining why they didn't run a photo of bare-chested guitarist Joe Perry (aged 43) and clothed singer Steve Tyler (46) of Aerosmith

On American Know-how:

Bennett, who had been secretary of education without solving the problems of education and drug czar without solving the problems of drugs, now wants to write a book on how to solve the problems of both. In America, this is what we call "expertise."

Roger Simon, Baltimore Sun columnist

On Americans:

They are a race of convicts, and ought to be thankful for anything we allow them short of hanging.

Samuel Johnson, writer and lexicographer, on Americans

On Anchorpeople:

We call them Twinkies. You've seen them on television acting the news, modeling and fracturing the news while you wonder whether they've read the news--or if they've blow-dried their brains, too.

Linda Ellerbee, journalist and writer, in And So It Goes

On Answers, Uncharitable:

Woman at a dance:

Oh, Mr. Shaw, what made you ask poor little me to dance?

George Bernard Shaw, playwright:

Well, this is a charity ball, isn't it?

On Assessments:

You may have genius. The contrary is, of course, probable.

Supreme Court Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes to an author

On Audiences, Qualifications for:

You don't have to be Jewish to enjoy "Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah"; all you need is extremely poor taste.

John Simon, critic, in a review in New York magazine

On Audiences, Riveted:

Actor Dustin Farnum:

I've never been better! In the last act yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats.

Writer Oliver Herford:

How clever of you to think of it.

On Audiences, Unappreciative:

Curse the blasted, jelly-boned swines, the slimy, the belly-wriggling invertebrates, the miserable sodding rotters, the flaming sods, the sniveling, dribbling, dithering, palsied, pulseless lot that make up England today. They've got white of egg in their veins, and their spunk is that watery it's a marvel they can breed. They are nothing but frog-spawn--the gibberers! God, how I hate them!

D. H. Lawrence, novelist, on his critics

On Australia:

In America only the successful writer is important, in France all writers are important, in England no writer is important, and in Australia you have to explain what a writer is.

Geoffrey Cottrell, writer

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