Read an Excerpt
777 Great Clean Jokes
A Sparkling Collection of Unsullied Humor
By Jennifer Hahn
Barbour Publishing, Inc.Copyright © 2006 Barbour Publishing, Inc.
All rights reserved.
Hickory dickory dock,
The mice ran up the clock,
The clock struck one,
And the others escaped with minor injuries.
What keys can't open locks?
Monkeys, donkeys, and turkeys.
Why did Mozart sell his chickens?
They kept saying, "Bach, Bach, Bach."
Some Boy Scouts from the city were on a camping trip. The mosquitoes were so fierce, the boys had to hide under their blankets to avoid being bitten. Then one of the scouts saw some lightning bugs and said to his friend, "We might as well give up. They're coming after us with flashlights."
My cat is so smart. He eats cheese, then waits at the mouse hole with baited breath.
Boy: Could you sell me a shark?
Pet-shop owner: Why do you want a shark?
Boy: My cat keeps trying to eat my goldfish, and I want to teach him a lesson.
Frank: Did you hear about the guy who was arrested at the zoo for feeding the pigeons?
Harry: No. What's wrong with feeding the pigeons?
Frank: He fed them to the lions.
If baby pigs are called piglets, why aren't baby bulls called bullets and baby chickens chicklets?
What is the difference between a cat and a match?
A cat lights on its feet, and a match lights on its head.
What grows up while it grows down?
A baby duckling.
What's gray on the inside and clear on the outside? An elephant in a sandwich bag.
Why do dragons sleep during the day?
So they can hunt knights.
Why is a snake so smart?
Because you can't pull its leg.
Why do giraffes have such small appetites?
Because with them, a little goes a long way.
What is as big as an elephant but doesn't weigh an ounce?
An elephant's shadow.
What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
"Can I hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand?"
A cowboy had two horses, but he couldn't tell them apart. He cut off one horse's mane, but it grew back; he cut off the tail, but that grew back, too. A friend suggested that he measure the horses. The cowboy measured them and went to his friend and said, "That was a great idea—the black one was two inches taller than the white one."
Heading into the jungle on his first safari, the American visitor was confident he could handle any emergency. He sidled up to the experienced native guide and said smugly, "I know that carrying a torch will keep lions away."
"That's true," the guide replied. "But it depends on how fast you carry the torch."
A mother's bachelor son invited her over for a meal. He had just gotten two new dogs and wanted his mom to see them.
When she sat down at the table, she noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that she had ever seen in her life. "Have these dishes ever been washed?" she asked, running her fingers over the grit and grime.
"They're as clean as soap and water could get them," he answered. She felt a bit apprehensive but started eating anyway.
The food was really delicious, and she said so, despite the dirty dishes.
When dinner was over, her son took the dishes, put them on the floor, whistled, and yelled, "Here, Soap! Here, Water!"
First octopus: What do you like least about being an octopus?
Second octopus: Washing my hands before dinner.
Two hens were pecking in the yard when suddenly a softball came sailing over the fence, landing a few feet away from them. One hen said to the other, "Will you just look at the ones they're turning out next door!"
Several buffalo were grazing on the prairie when a cowboy rode up. Looking at the animals, he said disgustedly, "You are the ugliest buffaloes I've ever seen. Your fur is matted, you have humps on your backs, and you're slobbering all over the place."
The cowboy turned and rode off, and one buffalo said to another, "I think I just heard a discouraging word."
Steve: How did your parakeet die?
Steve: Don't be silly. Parakeets don't die from the flu.
Fred: Mine did. He flew under a bus.
Which is richer, a bull or a cow?
A bull. The cow gives you milk; the bull charges you.
How many skunks does it take to smell up a neighborhood?
Just a phew.
City slicker: I finally went for a ride this morning. Ranch hand: Horseback?
City slicker: Yep, he got back about an hour before I did.
What is a polar bear's favorite place to vacation?
What is a woodpecker's favorite kind of joke?
What is an eel's favorite card game?
Why did the turtle go to the therapist?
He wanted to come out of his shell.
How does a beaver know which tree to cut down?
Whichever one he chews.
What would you call a snake that drinks too much coffee?
A hyper viper.
What would you get if you crossed a baseball player with a frog?
An outfielder who catches flies and then eats them.
What kind of flowers would you give an absent-minded squirrel?
What do you get if Bach falls off a horse, but has the courage to get on again and continue riding?
Bach in the saddle again.
How do pigs say good-bye?
With hogs and kisses.
What is an owl's favorite mystery?
A man was driving past a farm and saw a three-legged chicken running alongside his car. Suddenly, the chicken picked up speed and disappeared around the bend. The driver pulled to the side of the road and called to the farmer, "I just saw a three-legged chicken!"
"Oh, yes," said the farmer. "We have a bunch of 'em. We have three people in our family, and we all like drumsticks."
"Well, how do they taste?" asked the motorist.
"Dunno," said the farmer. "We can't catch any."
Three mice are sitting around boasting about their strengths. The first mouse says, "Mouse traps are nothing! I do push-ups with the bar."
The second mouse pulls a pill from his pocket, swallows it, and says with a grin, "That was rat poison."
The third mouse got up to leave. The first mouse says, "Where do you think you're going?"
"It's time to go home and chase the cat."
"Have you got any kittens going cheap?" asked a customer in a pet shop.
"No, sir," replied the owner. "All our kittens go, 'Meow.'"
"Look over there!" said the frightened skunk to his pal. "There's a human with a gun, and he's getting closer and closer! What are we going to do?"
The second skunk bowed his head and calmly replied, "Let us spray."
Two goats wandered into the junkyard and had a field day. One of them spent a particularly long time bent over a reel of film. When he was finished, the other goat came over. "So, did you enjoy the film?"
The goat replied, "To tell you the truth, I liked the book better."
One day a chicken went to a library and said, "Book, book, book." The librarian gave the chicken three books, and the chicken went on its way.
The next day the same chicken came into the library and said, "Book, book, book." So the librarian gave the chicken three books again, but this time she became suspicious of where the chicken was taking the books, so she decided to follow the chicken.
After awhile, the chicken came to a swamp and stopped beside a frog. The chicken gave the three books to the frog, and the frog said, "Read it! Read it! Read it!"
What did the snail say when he hitched a ride on the turtle?
"Look at that speed!" said one hawk to another as a jet-fighter plane zoomed over their heads.
"Hmph!" snorted the other. "You would fly fast, too, if your tail was on fire!"
A hound dog and a dalmatian were sitting in an Internet café. The dalmatian said to the hound, "Hey, check out my Web site!"
The hound asked for the address, and the dalmatian responded, "www.dalmatian.dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot-dot."
What do you call a story told by a giraffe?
A tall tale.
One ant was running across an unopened box of crackers and urging another to speed up.
"But why do we have to hurry?" asked the other.
"Can't you read? It says, 'Tear along the dotted line.'"
Two fleas were walking out of a theater when they discovered it was raining hard.
"Shall we walk?" said one flea.
"No," said the other. "Let's take a dog."
Why are frogs so happy?
They eat whatever bugs them.
What does a bankrupt frog say?
"Baroke, baroke, baroke."
Did you hear about the skunk that went to church?
He had his own pew.
What animal has more lives than a cat?
A frog, because he croaks every night.
A chicken walks into a restaurant.
The hostess says, "We don't serve poultry!"
The chicken says, "That's okay; I just want a soda."
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle, looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his laptop. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.
Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest, and writers cramp.
When you call a dog, he usually comes to you.
When you call a cat, he takes a message.
Chicken to turkey: Only Thanksgiving and Christmas? You're lucky; with us, it's any Sunday.
Two guys were hiking in the forest when they suddenly came across a big grizzly bear. The one guy took off his hiking boots and put on some running shoes. His friend said to him, "You're crazy! Don't you know how fast grizzlies are? You'll never be able to outrun it!"
"Outrun it?" said his friend. "I only have to outrun you!"
Why are anteaters so healthy?
Because they are high on ant-i-bodies!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To show the opossum it could be done.
One caterpillar to another, as they watch a butterfly:
You'll never get me up in one of those things.
Exasperated dragon on the field of battle:
Mother said there would be knights like this.
Where does a cat go when he loses his tail?
A retail store.
Did you hear the Energizer Bunny was arrested?
He was charged with battery.
Where are dogs scared to go?
The flea market.
Why did the parrot wear a raincoat?
She wanted to be polyunsaturated.
Why was the cat afraid of the tree?
Because of its bark.
Turtle to turtle: Don't you just love the sound of rain on your roof?
Why do lobsters have a hard time sharing?
Because they're shellfish.
What's the difference between a cat and a comma?
A cat has its claws at the end of its paws; a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.
"Jenny!" called her mother, "Why are you feeding birdseed to the cat?"
"I have to," Jenny replied. "That's where my canary is."
A mother mouse and a baby mouse were walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacked them. The mother mouse yelled, "Bark!" and the cat ran away.
"See?" said the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"
Have you heard about the dog that ate an onion?
Its bark was much worse than its bite.
A cowboy rides into town on Friday, stays three days, and leaves on Friday. How does he do it?
His horse's name is Friday.
Two cows are standing in a wide-open field. One cow says to the other cow, "Hey, are you worried about that mad cow disease?"
The second cow says, "Why would I be worried about mad cow disease? I'm an airplane!"
Did you hear the one about the lion who ate clowns?
What do you call an overweight cat?
A flabby tabby.
What is worse than a giraffe with a sore neck?
A centipede with athlete's foot.
What did the five-hundred-pound canary say as he walked down the street?
"Here, kitty, kitty, kitty."
What do you call a cat that's been thrown in the dryer?
What do you call a cat that gets thrown in the dryer and is never found again?
What do you call a grizzly bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.
What do you get when you put a bird in the freezer?
When is fishing not a good way to relax?
When you're the worm.
Why can't you play hide-and-seek with poultry in a Chinese restaurant?
Because of the Peking duck.
A turtle was mugged by three snails, but when a police officer asked the turtle to give a description of what happened, all he could say was, "I don't know, Officer. It all happened so fast!"
What do you call a fish with no eye?
Who's a better boxer, a bean or a chicken?
The bean—he's no chicken.
What is a shark's favorite game?
Swallow the Leader.
What do pigs put in their hard drives?
Baby snake: Mom, are we poisonous?
Mom snake: We most certainly are! Why?
Baby snake: I just bit my tongue.
Why did the kangaroo lose the basketball game?
He ran out of bounds.
What birds spend time on their knees?
Birds of prey.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia.
What's the difference between a soccer player and a dog?
The soccer player wears a team uniform, the dog just pants.
What do you get when you cross a bunny rabbit with the World Wide Web?
A hare Net.
At the end of his shift, the police officer parked his police van in front of the station. His K-9 partner, Bo, was in the back.
As the officer was exiting his car, a little boy walked by and looked in the back window of the van.
"Is that a dog you got back there?" the boy asked.
"It sure is," the officer replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at the officer, then back at the van. Finally he said, "What did he do?"
Why are elephants known to hold grudges?
They can forgive, but they can't forget.
Did you hear about the duck that was flying upside down?
It quacked up.
Where do fish like to go on vacation?
How do you find a spider on the Internet?
Check out his Web site.
What do you call a penguin in the desert?
The farmer's son was returning from the market with a crate of chickens his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open.
Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the boy walked all over the neighborhood, retrieving the birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy returned home.
"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy told his father reluctantly, "but I managed to find all nine of them."
"You did well, son," the farmer said, "because you left with only six."
Tony was having trouble getting his neighbor to keep his chickens fenced in. The neighbor kept talking about chickens being great creatures, and as such, they had the right to go wherever they wanted.
Excerpted from 777 Great Clean Jokes by Jennifer Hahn. Copyright © 2006 Barbour Publishing, Inc.. Excerpted by permission of Barbour Publishing, Inc..
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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