In January 1992, just before my seventh birthday, I had gone over to my best friend Ashley's house to play. Ashley and her little brother lived with their single mom. Ashley's uncle lived with them, and he was often left in charge of the children while their mom was at work.
When I arrived, we went to Ashley's bedroom and began playing with her big dollhouse. Ashley eventually left to use the bathroom.
Like a broken film projector reel, the images keep replaying over and over in my mind, hauntingly vivid, as if it just happened yesterday. While Ashley was using the bathroom, her uncle came out of his bedroom and walked into her room. I did not notice him until I heard the door close. Naively, I thought it was Ashley. As I looked up from behind the dollhouse about to say something to her, I saw him standing there.
I was already understandably terrified of this man because of what he had done to me the night I had slept over at Ashley's house the year before. It was something I was reluctant to tell anyone about out of fear that he would come and get me if I told. I was terrified that he would be hiding in my bedroom at night waiting for me.
Ashley's mom was not home, and I was alarmed and uncertain of what he might do. He secured the door, locking Ashley out and me in. I was so scared that I thought I might wet myself. I sat on the floor clutching two dolls in my hands. Her uncle ordered me to get up and onto the bed. I did as he said, afraid of what might happen if I did not obey him. With my eyes drawn to the floor, terrified to look up at him, I walked to the edge of the bed.
I was angry. As my anger turned to terror, I began to cry. He instructed me not to. I was more fearful than before because it was in the middle of the day. The sunlight shone brightly into Ashley's room, heightening my senses and allowing me to anticipate what was to come. I was used to being in darkness, unable to see this man and the terrible things he would do to me. I trembled inside, petrified to look into the eyes of this monster.
As I sat on the edge of the bed with my legs hanging over, he cupped my chin in his hand and lifted my head, forcing me to look up at him. It was as if he wanted to see the fear in my eyes. I believe that by making me look up at him, it was his way of terrorizing me.
He moved quickly, propping my legs up so that my entire body was completely on the bed. He leaned me back in an attempt to take off my jeans. As he did so, I began to fight. I started kicking and screaming, begging him to stop. All my squirming made it quite difficult for him. For a little girl, I put up a real good fight. I was not going down easy. I called out for Ashley. Responding to my cries, I could hear her at her bedroom door trying to get in. She struggled, turning the knob, shaking and rattling it. Then she stopped. I prayed that she was trying to find something to unlock the door. As her uncle pulled my pants down, I heard her messing with the doorknob once again.
Successful at getting my pants down to my knees, Ashley's uncle continued to struggle with me. I was doing everything in my power to keep them on. He had a difficult time, but eventually he prevailed. With my pants around my ankles, he found himself stuck once again, unable to get them around my shoes.
Incidentally, my shoelaces would often come untied, so my dad had taught me how to double-knot them. When Ashley's uncle failed to untie them, he tried yanking off my shoes. But I made it difficult for him, kicking and squirming the entire time. Once he succeeded in getting my shoes off, he told me that if I did not lie still, he would tie my arms to Ashley's bed. It was then that I got really scared and began to cry. He told me that crying was for babies. I feared being tied up and quickly assessed the situation, picturing just how he would accomplish this. His eyes pierced me with a hard, cold gaze. He explained that he would be gentle if I stayed quiet.
I did not know what to call what he put me through that day, but it was definitely not gentle. It was the worst pain of my life. After pulling down his own pants, he laid his entire body on top of mine. With his weight crushing me, I panicked and screamed, 'I can't breathe, I can't breathe.' He lifted himself up with one hand and placed the other between my legs. I kept trying to squeeze my legs together, but he just kept pushing them apart.
Staring at the ceiling and gripping the bed sheets, I lay terrified while a piercing pain ripped through my entire body. The force of him going inside me felt like a knife ripping me in half. I cried out. Then I began to scream. He placed a hand the size of my entire face over my mouth to silence my screams, warning me to stay quiet. If I did not, he would make it even worse. I could see the sweat streaming down his head as the tears streamed down my cheeks. He groaned and made humming noises. I thought the noises were to block out my crying, but now I know that they were simply the noises of a man getting off as he moved his entire body up and down. When he pulled out, he grabbed my hand and put it on his penis. I didn't pull my hand away. I just held it as he wrapped his hand around mine and moved it up and down.
I stared up at him, but his face was blurry through all of my tears. The whites of his eyes are forever seared into my memory. I cannot get those eyes or his disgusting grin out of my head. I couldn't comprehend why he was smiling at me as I lay there crying. It was so confusing, especially as a child. I was such a fragile, little girl with this extremely large man on top of me. I cried the entire time. It was the worst pain I had ever felt. It is something I will never forget.
The abuse continued as he wrapped his arms around my legs. I tried keeping them together, afraid he was going to hurt me again. He pulled them apart and began having oral sex with me. What I remember distinctly about this was the fact that it didn't hurt like what he had just done. I just remember it feeling very strange. My teeth chattered as if I were cold, but it was really from the fear. I lay there, completely still as he continued to have his way with me.
After having oral sex with me, he spread his legs apart in front of my face and told me to open my mouth in an attempt to force me to perform oral sex on him. I fought back, tossing my head from side to side and clenching down on my teeth, refusing to open my mouth. It angered him immensely. Squeezing my cheeks, in an angry tone he said, 'You should have listened.' Those words still echo in my mind today.
Suddenly, the weight of his body came crushing down on me again and the piercing pain I had felt earlier ripped through me as he raped me for a second time. I thought I was going to die because I was in so much pain. I began crying hysterically. Gripping the bed sheets, I wondered why nobody heard my screams. Finally, relief came when he pulled himself out of me. I still feared what he would do next and just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, it did.
I thought he was going to let me go when he told me to sit up, but, instead, he ordered me to lie on my tummy. I had no idea what was coming. I stared blankly at the beloved dollhouse that Ashley and I had played with earlier that day. Then I began screaming like I had never screamed before, kicking and swinging my arms as he sodomized me. I honestly thought he was killing me. I was screaming out over and over, 'You're hurting me. I don't want to die. I want my mom!' When he finally stopped, he said, 'You don't want your mom and dad to know what we do. They won't want you anymore if they find out.' Those words haunted me, and I believed him.
I debated whether or not to share these graphic details with you. I have never made them public before because I didn't want to have to go back to that painful place in my mind and watch it play out again and again, knowing just how brutal it was. I decided to put it in God's hands. I prayed, asking him to tell me if I should share these horrific details. A few hours after praying, I went to start my car. When I did, the song 'Brave' by Sara Bareilles was on the radio. The lyrics talked about showing how brave you are, saying what needs to be said, and letting the words come out. It was like Sara was speaking right to me when she sang that the silence you have lived in won't do you any good.
After hearing these words, the hairs on my arms stood up. I had never heard this song before, and it could not have been a more perfect answer to my prayers. It was God's way of telling me what to do. God gave me the courage to be brave and let it all out, but it certainly wasn't easy in the least bit. With tears streaming down my face, I typed these painful details as I recalled the most traumatic day of my life. As Maya Angelou once said, 'There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.'
After he took what he wanted, he got up, adjusted himself, and pulled my underwear and pants back up. He then warned, 'I will come get you if you tell anyone.' He opened the door and walked out of the room, acting like nothing had even happened.
I went through unimaginable horror that day. More than twenty years later, I can remember the details as if it were yesterday. That one moment is frozen in my mind. I cannot escape it, nor can I erase that day's events from my mind. I can never forget the sights or sounds of that traumatic day. I remember everything, down to the smallest details: the toys on the floor, the closet doors being ajar, and the words that he said. A few weeks shy of my seventh birthday, I was raped. At such a tender age, I did not know the word, much less what it meant.
As I lay there, it took a few minutes before I was finally able to get up. I was so scared. All I wanted to do was run home. I wondered where Ashley had gone. When I walked out of her bedroom, I saw her sitting outside next to the door, holding the hanger she had been using in a failed attempt to unlock the door. She asked me if I was okay. I told her that I just wanted to go home.
I remember grabbing my purple coat and opening the front door as fast as I could. As I walked down her driveway, I trembled inside. Every step was so painful. As I reached the end of her court and began turning toward my street, Ashley caught up to me. With desperation in her eyes, she caught her breath and said, 'My uncle says we cannot tell anyone or else my mom will lose our house.'
As I wiped away the tears from my eyes, I assured her that I would not tell. She looked at me with a worried gaze. As if she was not convinced, she said, 'You have to pinkie promise you will not tell anyone what he did.' I then took her pinkie and locked it with mine, promising again that I would not tell.
It was a long, lonely, and cold walk home. Because I was in so much pain, I struggled to keep my balance. It felt like he was still inside me. I remember every step that I took, the cold air piercing my skin and the tears streaming down my face that eventually landed on the sidewalk. When I got home, I was still trembling and scared.
Once I arrived at my house, I headed straight for the bathroom. I was alarmed because it felt like I had peed my pants on the walk home but, instead, I saw blood. I immediately thought I was in trouble, as if I had done something wrong. This rush of guilt consumed me. I was a bad girl. I was so scared and confused. As I sat there, thoughts raced through my head. Am I going to die? How was I going to hide my underwear from anyone who might find them? I eventually put on a new pair and hid the other in a garbage bag in the garage already full of trash.
At six years old, I was ashamed of what had happened, and I tried to hide the truth. I went to bed that night waking to nightmares of myself running through Ashley's court and through the other houses, frantically trying to get away from her uncle. It was the same dream that I would continue to have for years to come and one that would haunt me as an adult. The dream always ended the same. Once he reached out and grabbed me, I would wake in a cold sweat, terrified, eventually crying myself back to sleep.
It is never easy for me to revisit the traumatic events from my life, whether I am writing them down or standing on a stage speaking to three thousand people. However, I do it because, unlike my innocence, the one thing I have been able to reclaim is my voice. I speak for every abused child out there. It is therapeutic and empowering.
The physical pain from the rape was awful, but the emotional pain it would bring was far greater than I could have ever imagined. My innocence was stolen, my trust taken, and my voice silenced. As humans, we all have the ability to adapt to injury, whether physical or emotional. The little girl that I had been was forced to adapt to this horrific injury to such a young, little, innocent body and mind. My life from that day forward forever changed. Nobody knew what happened, nor could anyone have ever predicted that one day, the little girl I was would someday be described in headlines as 'The Guardian Angel.'
©2014. Erin Merryn, MSW. All rights reserved. Reprinted from An Unimaginable Act. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, without the written permission of the publisher. Publisher: Health Communications, Inc., 3201 SW 15th Street, Deerfield Beach, FL 33442.