Ask a Ninja Presents the Ninja Handbook: This Book Looks Forward to Killing You Soon

( 29 )

Overview

DEADLY NINJA WISDOM FOR THE NON-NINJA

Carefully consider the joy of your soft-headed ignorance before you begin to run, flip, and jump along the Ninja Path.
  
After much debate and in a spirit of morbid amusement, the International Order of Ninjas has chosen to produce The Ninja Handbook, the first-ever secret ninja training guide specifically designed for the ...

See more details below
Paperback
$12.20
BN.com price
(Save 18%)$14.95 List Price

Pick Up In Store

Reserve and pick up in 60 minutes at your local store

Other sellers (Paperback)
  • All (70) from $1.99   
  • New (9) from $7.99   
  • Used (61) from $1.99   
Ask a Ninja Presents the Ninja Handbook: This Book Looks Forward to Killing You Soon

Available on NOOK devices and apps  
  • NOOK Devices
  • NOOK HD/HD+ Tablet
  • NOOK
  • NOOK Color
  • NOOK Tablet
  • Tablet/Phone
  • NOOK for Windows 8 Tablet
  • NOOK for iOS
  • NOOK for Android
  • NOOK Kids for iPad
  • PC/Mac
  • NOOK for Windows 8
  • NOOK for PC
  • NOOK for Mac
  • NOOK Study
  • NOOK for Web

Want a NOOK? Explore Now

NOOK Book (eBook)
$11.99
BN.com price

Overview

DEADLY NINJA WISDOM FOR THE NON-NINJA

Carefully consider the joy of your soft-headed ignorance before you begin to run, flip, and jump along the Ninja Path.
  
After much debate and in a spirit of morbid amusement, the International Order of Ninjas has chosen to produce The Ninja Handbook, the first-ever secret ninja training guide specifically designed for the non-ninja.
Most non-ninjas who handle these delicate, deadly pages will die–probably in an elaborately horrific and painful manner. But whether your journey lasts five seconds or five days or (rather inconceivably) five years, all those who bravely take up this text and follow the tenets and trials laid out within will die knowing they were as ninja as they possibly could’ve been.

For the true of heart or the extremely lucky, this powerful and honorable manuscript contains such phenomenal ninja wisdom as:

•How to create and name your very own lethal ninja clan
•The proper weapon to use when fighting a vampire pumpkin
•Why clowns and robots are so dangerous on the Internet
•Easy-to-follow charts showing when to slice and when to stab
•How to execute such ultradeadly kicks as the Driving Miss Daisy
•Why pretty much every ninja movie ever made sucks
•How to make a shoggoth explode using well-placed foliage
•What the heck a shoggoth is and why you’ll need to make it explode
•Death Aide certification
•And much more ninjafied enlightenment on every shuriken-sharp page!

Remember: People do not take the Path, the Path takes people.

Read More Show Less

Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9780307405807
  • Publisher: Crown Publishing Group
  • Publication date: 9/9/2008
  • Pages: 336
  • Sales rank: 362,960
  • Product dimensions: 5.40 (w) x 10.86 (h) x 0.72 (d)

Meet the Author

Text painfully transcribed by DOUGLAS SARINE and KENT NICHOLS, the award-winning creators of the online series Ask A Ninja.
Read More Show Less

Read an Excerpt

Chapter 1

The Ninja

The Best Humanity Has to Offer

The Killing Begins

Who the heck do you think you are? Seriously. Do you have any idea what it's like to be a ninja? Unless you're a ninja the answer is no. Got it?

Welcome to the International Order of Ninjas, a tradition of death.

Right now, unless you are rereading this book for nostalgia, you are a non--ninja with great aspirations toward all things ninja. You are excited about diving in and attacking the path of the ninja with the vigor of the untrustworthy crion.* Depending on how long you remain living or livingish, you will gradually work your way from nothing to nonja, ninjaish, ninjalike, Whoooooooo, and finally I.T.A.N. (Is That a Ninja), the highest level of ninjaness any non--ninja can hope to achieve. Should you reach the exalted status of I.T.A.N. and wish to progress further, the skills and general knowledge contained later in the book can be used in your attempt to become a fully authorized, I.O.N.--endorsed, full--time ninja.

But, as they say, let's not count our dragon eggs before they poison our crion soup.

Along your path, you will run and jump and dive out of the way. You will test parts of your person that you do not yet know are parts of your person.

Ever heard of your "huh"?

Exactly.

You have one, and very soon you will be using it like crazy, unless you want your nickname to be Ol' Splatter Guts.

As you move along the ninja path, this book will act not only as a guide, but also as a friend_._._._a very very dangerous friend that you would never turn your back on.

THE NINJA PATH promises great pain beyond your current conceivable definition. You will study your will up close and learn how threshold is a sliding scale of sanity.

THE NINJA PATH promises skills and the masters to help you master those skills. Skills that if you do not master will most likely lead to a maimed or dead you. Masters who if you do not master the skills they teach will most likely maim or dead you.

THE NINJA PATH promises chance. If we go any further into this at this time, it would negate the very nature of the chance the ninja path promises.

THE NINJA PATH promises death. We were gonna say near--certain death, but why sugarcoat it. Knowing that death is imminent will constantly keep you on your toes. Toes that may very well bring upon the very death you are promised. A promise you will never call us on keeping unless you are an idiot, in which case we'll hop on that promise like ineffectual environmentalism on suburbia.

THE NINJA PATH promises experiences. Some that will cause even your knees to crack open and vomit. Some that you will wish you could give back or grow back. Some that you actually can give back, grow back, or at least swap with an akuma* in the altered state of beans.

While pursuing the ninja path, it is good to keep in mind a bit of advice, advice that we ninjas like to call serious threats:

If you blibber--blab about your enlightenment and techniques, we will kill you.

If you participate in a major motion picture in which the secrets of the ninja are explained and demonstrated within a wacky plot that involves a distant father and a child with extremely dated hair, we will kill you.

If you dress up like a ninja every day and/or start an online show where you dole out "ninja answers," we will kill you and/or syndicate you.

Remember, but never speak, the words of the nameless ninja from www.askaninja.com, "Ninjas don't kill people_._._._ninjas kill people very very well."

For your journey, this book will be your guide. We suggest fashioning some sort of clip device to keep this book in front of you at all times. You will absolutely never know when you are going to need its wisdom. Aside from this book, you may want to start a den of ninjiquity that includes other ninjaphiles and wannabes. These should be people that you don't mind hanging out with a lot, but that you also -wouldn't feel bad leaving inside a giant radioactive turkey if things happened to go that way.

Let's put the best possible face on it and call the path of the ninja an adventure. Are you ready for the adventure? If you answered yes, you are a fool who only momentarily has his/her head attached to his/ her body. If you answered no, you are a pathetic and weak creature ambling along toward the cannon's mouth of ignorance whose highest aspiration should be one day consuming some

animal--shaped crackers.

If you did not answer and in fact are not even reading this because you have already turned the page, you have a minuscule chance at becoming a ninja.

Let's begin!

Ninjaing, like most things in life and death, is more fun when you have people to share it with. That is why it is strongly suggested that you start a clan.

What Makes a Clan?

1. ONE OR MORE PEOPLE committed to the pursuit of all things ninja.

2. A NAME that sounds both honorable and deadly. This can take some investigation.

First, you have to check the name against the Ninja Clan Registry to make sure it's original. We only have to look at the debacle with the Flying Hound Clans to realize the importance of that. Four clans took that same name. No one knew who was killing what or why or how. They all ended up in a dogfight battling one another for the name. One member from one clan survived and was killed one week later by a cerberus.

Second, make sure the name fits your clan.

This may seem obvious, but for some reason tons of clans put "monkey" in their name when it has nothing to do with their style of killing people. If you call yourself the Skateboard Pain Clan, you'd better not start riding Segways next month.

Third, your clan name should be relatively short and have two components: (1) the most applicable and universal noun associated to your clan member(s) and (2) a powerful verb or adjective that fits with the noun and -doesn't currently have an embarrassing second meaning. You do not want to end up like the Clan of the Five Knuckle Shufflers.

Here is a helpful table for narrowing down possible clan names.

First, use petty infighting and irrational arguments with your clan members to narrow your potential clan--name components down to a maximum of 10 for each of the above categories. Then mix and match the components until the best name naturally presents

itself.

Using even the few examples above, there are many potential clan names. Most of them are pretty bad: Truck--Shaped Olive Clan (the visual is too hard to conjure and once imagined -doesn't really instill any real fear or dread), Clan of the Papaya Whip Stymphalian Bird (just a scooch too long and would probably be better fit for a dessert at Bennigan's), Pitchfork Shoebox Clan (maybe if you were a country fusion band in the mid--1970s). Then there are a few that sound okay, but aren't quite right: Clan of the Basting Lynda Carter (sexy and hot, but a bit too relaxed and somewhat cannibalistic), the Papaya Whip Pitchfork Clan (exciting and in motion, but the color is too urban for such a rural weapon). The obvious and best named that can be formed from the examples is the Clan of the Basting Shoebox. What's in that shoebox? Why is that shoebox basting? Is the thing inside the shoebox basting too? I don't think I'm going to mess with that shoebox until I get more information. These are the type of thoughts you want your enemies to have when they hear you name.

3. ONCE YOU HAVE A NAME, you need an oath, something simple and straightforward that boldly states the mission of the clan and what sets this clan apart from other clans. Here are a few sample oaths from real ninja clans.

CLAN OF THE FATAL FOG

On the life of Blake I swear

I shall move like water on air

I shall not be seen coming or going

I shall surround without anyone knowing

I shall not be touched but touch at will

I shall pay a 10% royalty to John Carpenter for each thing I kill

PHOENIX FIRE CLAN

With fire I pledge

I shall kill other people at all times

I shall keep myself physically, mentally,

and morally flexible

I shall never die for real

DUDES OF DEATH CLAN

I will do my thing no matter the deal

Whatever the mess, I will roll as I roll

On the vibes of honor I will ride

Killer will be as killer as I am

4. ONCE YOU HAVE PEOPLE, a name, and an oath, now you need to combine all of those things into a kick--butt flag or crest. Some sort of visual emblem expressed in hot melt--glued felt that will represent and endure for the length of your ninjafication.

Let's Make a Flag

Design: The first rule of design has always been "simple is better, but too simple is dumb." You will not truly know if your design is good until it's too late and you're already being judged by it. That bit of encouragement should offer you the bravery and license to really go for it in the design phase. Take the boldest aspirations of your clan and boil them down into powerful clear images. Do not choose any image without experiencing it firsthand. For example, if you think that pain is a big part of what your clan is about, take some time to really explore exactly what painful thing represents you specifically. Put on your painful thinking caps. Is it a buggane*? Go to the Isle of Man and meet one. Watch him tear the arms off of someone. Do their screams epitomize the screams you wish to induce? Maybe you equate pain with a unicorn on fire. Light one up, ride it around for a while. How bad does it hurt? Perhaps it's an object like a pillow soaked in acid. If that's the case, what kind of acid?

This is your flag. Do your homework. Make sure whatever you pick is enduring. One particularly regretful clan chose Mickey Mouse Club-era Christina Aguilera as their emblem of virtue. Now people think that one of their core tenants is awkward sluttishness.

Try not to pick too many things, but make sure you have enough. You don't want to settle on this_._._.

When the clan one town over has this_._._.

Construction: Due to the fact that you are very much not a ninja yet, the construction of your clan flag will most likely go as follows.

1. YOU WILL DESIGN a flippin' wicked, dynamic, kick--ass flag in your mind, but will lack the general skills, talent, and vocabulary to represent it in any way to anyone.

2. YOU WILL ASK your mom if she can sew or work a hot--glue gun. (Note: If a mom is not available, go to the nearest flea market and look for a lady with a picture of her cat on her sweatshirt.)

3. SHE WILL TAKE you to Thimblina's Fabric Supply Store where you will purchase about $40 of random crap.

4. YOU WILL DESCRIBE with animated gestures the symbols and ferocity that belong on your clan's flag.

5. YOUR MOTHER (OR crazy cat--craft lady) will propose some alternate ideas. You will get into an argument about the appropriateness of the symbols. You will take a box of crackers and go up to your room sulking and immediately regret choosing crackers instead of cookies and not bringing anything to drink.

6. YOU COME DOWNSTAIRS only to find that the flag materials have been put in that giant plastic tub where most of your family's unfinished projects go to die. You apologize and barter three weeks of allowance or cat sitting to get your creative partner to pull it out and make your awesome flag that you really really really want.

7. YOU WILL THEN watch carefully as your mother (or wirehaired Insanknitty club member) botches everything up and shows no ability to powerfully or even remotely represent in fabric the glorious wonderfulness and genius you envisioned.

8. YOU AWKWARDLY THANK her as you accept the stupid thing. You hide the flag in your school locker or work cubicle, lying to your clan members about ever saying, "No, I'm making the flag. I've got an awesome idea and_._._._Yeah, it's gonna have these things. It's gonna be insane."

Don't worry about it. You are completely non--ninja right now. Soon you will have the skill and power to make that breathtakingly rockin' flag the way you originally imagined it. All will gaze upon it in astonishment and many eyes will explode.

Read More Show Less

Customer Reviews

Average Rating 4
( 29 )
Rating Distribution

5 Star

(16)

4 Star

(4)

3 Star

(5)

2 Star

(1)

1 Star

(3)

Your Rating:

Your Name: Create a Pen Name or

Barnes & Noble.com Review Rules

Our reader reviews allow you to share your comments on titles you liked, or didn't, with others. By submitting an online review, you are representing to Barnes & Noble.com that all information contained in your review is original and accurate in all respects, and that the submission of such content by you and the posting of such content by Barnes & Noble.com does not and will not violate the rights of any third party. Please follow the rules below to help ensure that your review can be posted.

Reviews by Our Customers Under the Age of 13

We highly value and respect everyone's opinion concerning the titles we offer. However, we cannot allow persons under the age of 13 to have accounts at BN.com or to post customer reviews. Please see our Terms of Use for more details.

What to exclude from your review:

Please do not write about reviews, commentary, or information posted on the product page. If you see any errors in the information on the product page, please send us an email.

Reviews should not contain any of the following:

  • - HTML tags, profanity, obscenities, vulgarities, or comments that defame anyone
  • - Time-sensitive information such as tour dates, signings, lectures, etc.
  • - Single-word reviews. Other people will read your review to discover why you liked or didn't like the title. Be descriptive.
  • - Comments focusing on the author or that may ruin the ending for others
  • - Phone numbers, addresses, URLs
  • - Pricing and availability information or alternative ordering information
  • - Advertisements or commercial solicitation

Reminder:

  • - By submitting a review, you grant to Barnes & Noble.com and its sublicensees the royalty-free, perpetual, irrevocable right and license to use the review in accordance with the Barnes & Noble.com Terms of Use.
  • - Barnes & Noble.com reserves the right not to post any review -- particularly those that do not follow the terms and conditions of these Rules. Barnes & Noble.com also reserves the right to remove any review at any time without notice.
  • - See Terms of Use for other conditions and disclaimers.
Search for Products You'd Like to Recommend

Recommend other products that relate to your review. Just search for them below and share!

Create a Pen Name

Your Pen Name is your unique identity on BN.com. It will appear on the reviews you write and other website activities. Your Pen Name cannot be edited, changed or deleted once submitted.

 
Your Pen Name can be any combination of alphanumeric characters (plus - and _), and must be at least two characters long.

Continue Anonymously
See All Sort by: Showing 1 – 20 of 29 Customer Reviews
  • Anonymous

    Posted September 4, 2008

    Pirates hate Ninjas

    Arrrr... We'll blast ye out of there waters. Ninjas must die!

    3 out of 3 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Posted August 1, 2009

    more from this reviewer

    Funny

    This is a funny book. Gave it to my 13 year old niece who is into the ninja thing right now and she was done with it within a couple of days.

    2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted June 22, 2009

    Fall out of your chair hillarious!

    I purchased this book for my teenage daughter. She and her friends have had a blast with it. Very entertaining; downright hillarious!

    2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted January 18, 2012

    Hi

    AWESOME!!! I really love it. HIGHLY reccomended!!!!!!!!

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Posted March 18, 2011

    haha hilarious

    anyone and everyone who has a single strand of sence in them should at least consider reading this book. i highly recomend!!

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Posted March 13, 2011

    Awesomse

    This book is so hilarious. I would recommend it to anyone.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted December 4, 2009

    Funny

    The book is funny. Some parts in it are kinda true.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Posted October 26, 2008

    If you love ninja lore.

    This book is not something you want to read and then Practice. It will kill you. Without mercy and or much effort. But O man will you have fun reading up until that point!

    1 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted September 9, 2008

    Beautiful

    It's everything you never knew you wanted.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted January 17, 2014

    Fantastic

    Amazing i love this book

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted April 23, 2013

    AWESOME

    Yes

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted August 6, 2012

    Wrong Preview Image.

    I'm reading the sample so I just wanted to point this error out.

    0 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted June 10, 2012

    Nuh uh

    Ninjas rock.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted January 10, 2012

    Good not great

    It's funny but at some points just stupid.

    0 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted September 19, 2008

    For the pirate.

    Ninjas just pity pirates, They are just poorly educated, physically disabled people with substance abuse problems. They should not be celebrated, they should be put into a twelve step program or killed.

    0 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted October 26, 2008

    No text was provided for this review.

  • Anonymous

    Posted November 19, 2012

    No text was provided for this review.

  • Anonymous

    Posted April 8, 2010

    No text was provided for this review.

  • Anonymous

    Posted October 27, 2008

    No text was provided for this review.

  • Anonymous

    Posted July 10, 2011

    No text was provided for this review.

See All Sort by: Showing 1 – 20 of 29 Customer Reviews

If you find inappropriate content, please report it to Barnes & Noble
Why is this product inappropriate?
Comments (optional)