Read an ExcerptAskMen.com Presents The Guy's Guide to Romance
The 11 Rules for Finding a Woman & Making Her Happy
By James Bassil
HarperCollins Publishers, Inc.
Copyright © 2008 James Bassil
All right reserved.
Before any romance can blossom, there has to be an initial meeting, and before there can be an initial meeting, there has to be a guy willing to step up and initiate contact—and that guy is you. Is it possible that she'll be the one to pick you up? Sure, anything's possible, but it's not likely. And while you're sitting around waiting for it to happen, plenty of other guys will be making their moves, and plenty of happy coupledoms will be emerging for it.
Like it or not, it still falls on the man to initiate the pursuit, and that isn't likely to change anytime soon. Rather than lamenting this fact, it's time to adapt to it. Begin by conquering that fear that inhibits so many men from approaching women: the fear of rejection.
Overcome your fear of rejection
Mankind has overcome the hardships of war and natural disasters. Yet there is one natural fear that seems to overcome most men: the fear of rejection. This instinctive emotion paralyzes us and hinders us from doing the things we really want to do, including meeting women. Some men are so afraidof rejection that they would rather run through a minefield than walk up to a woman and ask her out on a date.
You're not her type
Most men fear rejection because it lowers their self-esteem. But there is really no reason to lose any confidence when women say "no" because they aren't really rejecting you. How could they be rejecting you when they don't even know what you're all about? It's not like they studied your personality and qualities before deciding to refuse you. Maybe they declined your offer because:
They're dating someone or married.
They're having a bad day.
They like you, but have their protective shield up.
They don't feel like talking to anyone—even Brad Pitt.
The important thing to remember is that no one in this world can appeal to everyone's tastes. Each woman has her preferences, so if she rejects you, it just means that you don't fit the description of what she desires. All the more reason to approach as many women as possible in order to increase your chances of finding one who is looking for a guy like you.
Take the plunge
The "fear of rejection" will persist until the day you decide to overcome it. All you have to do is start up a conversation, and the rest will fall into place. Note that this does not involve corny pickup lines. An honest conversation is the best route. Here are some suggestions.
Once you notice signs that she's interested (eye contact, touching her hair, and so on), walk directly up to her and introduce yourself. You can start by asking if you can join her for a drink. If she says yes, ask her name. If she's interested, she'll ask the same. If she doesn't ask, it's not the end of the world; just keep the lines of communication open.
Keep the conversation interesting; focus on her and really listen to what she says. Then, follow up with another question that links with what she just finished saying. For example:
You: "Do you have a job?"
Her: "Yes, and I'm also studying."
You: "Wow, you're a busy woman!"
Her: "Yes, there are days when I feel like I'm just going to collapse."
You: "I bet you're looking forward to a vacation."
Her: "Oh yes, I just can't wait to get away for a while."
You: "And what would your ideal vacation spot be?"
This is just one example of many possible conversations. The idea is to listen to her and follow up with a correlating question. When this method is properly applied, it will keep the conversation interesting.
Top 10 icebreakers
Of course, striking up a conversation with a beautiful stranger is easier said than done. It helps to have some tried-and-true ways to break the ice and start a conversation up your sleeve.Whether you're at work, play, or somewhere in between, there are always opportunities to meet women. It's just a matter of knowing the right thing to say at the right time to come across as cool, honest, and intriguing. You'll strike out from time to time, but that's okay. Don't dwell on rejection. Stay confident, and you'll be meeting more women than you know what to do with.
Your main weapon is always the art of adaptation. Before moving in, assess whether the scenario involves a "hot" or a "cold" pickup.
Hot situations occur when she's noticed you and has given you that "come hither" signal (either via eye contact, a sexy flip of her hair, or one of those shy smiles).
Cold situations, on the other hand, happen when there hasn't been any previous flirting. This scenario can prove to be more difficult, as you're never sure if she is, or will be, interested.
Number 10: Introduce yourself
This almost goes without saying: If there has been no previous flirting, she's not going to know you exist until you make her aware you're there. To use a golf analogy, it's always the approach shot that sets up the hole. No different with the ladies. Stride up to her casually and introduce yourself.
What to say:
"I'm Joe, happy to meet you."
"I'm Joe. I don't believe we've been introduced."
Number 9: Buy her a drink
Whether you're at a bar, restaurant, or coffee shop, a great icebreaker involves the classic buying of a drink. Have the waiter send her another round of what she's already having (if you want to be more aggressive, you could send her your favorite drink), accompanied by a playful note, with your phone number included. Be sure to have the waiter let her know the source of the drink. On your way out, stop by her table and introduce yourself. It's a bold approach, without being invasive.
What to say:
"Hope you enjoyed your drink."
"This is my favorite drink; thought you might enjoy it too."
Excerpted from AskMen.com Presents The Guy's Guide to Romance by James Bassil Copyright © 2008 by James Bassil. Excerpted by permission.
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