The Average American Male

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Overview

Are you ready to meet the average American male?

Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9780061231674
  • Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers
  • Publication date: 3/13/2007
  • Pages: 256
  • Sales rank: 157,091
  • Product dimensions: 5.31 (w) x 8.00 (h) x 0.57 (d)

Meet the Author

Chad Kultgen
Chad Kultgen

Chad Kultgen is the author of The Average American Male. He is a graduate of the USC School of Cinematic Arts, and lives in california.

Read an Excerpt

Chapter One

Christmas with Mom and Dad

Same old bullshit.

Chapter Two

The Flight Back to L.A.

It's two days after Christmas. I'm in Denver International Airport watching this old fat bitch eat a cup of yogurt. My blood is boiling.

She has this weird little baby spoon, and these leathery fucking jowls, and this twitchy mouth, and her little tongue keeps jerking around to lick this shit off her lips—it's really fucking disgusting me. But even more disgusting to me is the fact that her mouth has had cocks in it. I wonder what it is, other than age, that turns a mouth a man would want to put his cock in into a twitching hole getting yogurt shoveled into it with a baby spoon.

At some point in this old cunt's life some guy was paying for her dinner, buying her presents, and being as nice and romantic as possible just so he could put his cock in that disgusting fucking hole.

On the plane—

There's a girl sitting next to me with red hair and perfect rock-hard C cups. She can't be more than nineteen and I'd love to know her name so I could see if it fits. I don't ask her even though she'd probably tell me, and it might even lead to a full-on conversation, which might lead to something else, like getting her number or taking her out to dinner. Instead, I just lean back, get a big whiff of her shampoo, and wonder if she could ever possibly know that I'll think about her for the next few weeks every time I jerk off. Probably not.

And I'm out like a light.

I'm still in a weird kind of dream when I get off the plane at LAX so I'm not sure if Trent Reznor walks past me at the Delta baggage claim. I am sure thatthe redhead is standing by me, and even though I don't have any bags to wait for, she does, so I pretend to.

I look at her luggage tag when she picks up her suitcase. Alyna Janson. It fits.

Satisfied, I go wait for twenty minutes to pay twenty dollars to ride a SuperShuttle back to my apartment in Westwood. Coincidentally enough, Alyna gets on the same SuperShuttle and tells the driver she's going to UCLA, two blocks from my house.

I stare at her without her knowing or caring until we get to her stop. When she gets out I don't make any effort to move out of her way, so she has to brush me with her ass, and she has a nice fucking ass.

When I get off the bus at my own stop I'm glad I never talked to Alyna. When I walk through my front door I wish I had. When I hit my bed, I'm glad I have a girlfriend I can fuck on a regular basis. When I wake up the next morning to a phone call begging me to spend my last days off going to the gym and shopping at Century City with her, I wish I didn't.

The Average American Male
A Novel
. Copyright © by Chad Kultgen. Reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc. All rights reserved. Available now wherever books are sold.

Customer Reviews

Average Rating 4
( 80 )

Rating Distribution

5 Star

(38)

4 Star

(22)

3 Star

(13)

2 Star

(5)

1 Star

(2)

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See All Sort by: Showing 1 – 20 of 80 Customer Reviews
  • Anonymous

    Posted October 22, 2007

    Not for the faint of heart

    If you're an open-minded individual who can laugh at anything, then this is the book for you. I am a female who is used to hanging out with the guys. I'm used to their 'language' and their thoughts and I'm very used to them voicing them. This book was hilarious. Wonderful insight to the male mind, which (no offense guys) isn't so far off from what us girls have thought all along. Definitely shocking but entertaining nontheless. Highly recommend it, but only if you aren't the type to get your panties in a bunch.

    3 out of 3 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted June 21, 2009

    Offensive but wonderful

    This book using some of the most offensive, degrading language towards females I have ever read. As a woman, I found it entertaining and hilarious. I was somehow rooting for the main character (whose name is not revealed) even though he was, to put it bluntly, such a selfish jerk. Very amusing read, but definitely not for anyone looking for a heartwarming, happy ending.

    2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted January 8, 2012

    Don't waste your time or money...

    I read this book because I really enjoyed "My Boyfriend Wrote a Book About Me" by Hilary Winston (known as Casey in this story). I will admit that this novel was entertaining at first, but the plot just gets repetitive and boring.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted August 31, 2011

    Wow

    Two stars go to the publisher for actually spending more than five minutes on this POC. I read the sample in about fifteen minutes and wondered: does this guy work? All he does is jerk off. And he wonders why he never got the hot chicks in high school. Chances are this dude is one dorky guy and thought he could publish his diary. Well, the price is right I suppose. It's more a waste of time than money at this point. If I was a guy I don't think I would want this writer representing my life as a man. If this is the average american male, I'm better off with another woman, y'know?

    1 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted January 24, 2012

    Whqt What a waste.

    Who gave this guy a book deal?

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  • Anonymous

    Posted November 21, 2011

    Coulf D Could not stop laughing

    Finished in 1 night

    0 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted August 16, 2011

    Great book

    Full of twists, laughs, and sex. Very well written with its own great style.

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  • Posted July 11, 2011

    Not the best book I've ever read, but definetely hilarious & awesome

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  • Posted July 8, 2011

    Great

    Loved it.

    0 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted March 31, 2011

    Eye Opening

    Raunchy. It's without a doubt the raunchiest book I've ever read but seems like probably the most honest glimpse into the male brain ever. I would recommend it if only to help women understand what any guy is really thinking at any given time.

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  • Posted March 1, 2011

    raunchy and hilarious in the vein of max tucker

    recommended for max tucker fans. check out Kultgen's The Lie

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Posted June 20, 2010

    more from this reviewer

    I Also Recommend:

    20-40 year olds will love it

    Best guy book I have read. Loved it so much I read it in one day. Can't wait fot Kultgen's 3rd book to come out

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  • Anonymous

    Posted January 2, 2010

    I Also Recommend:

    Entertaining book

    It was completely perverted, but entertaining to read. If you're a girl, you may find the book to be upsetting to know how guys REALLY think. However, it's good.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted June 15, 2009

    Hm...

    I guess the best thing I can say about this book is that 90% of the time, I didn't know whether to smile or scowl. It's a unique read - that's for sure. I'm not going to give the plot away, but if you're looking for something contemporary to really make you wonder about our society nowadays, this is the book for you...

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  • Posted April 14, 2009

    more from this reviewer

    I Also Recommend:

    Good Book

    I read this after The Lie, Kultgen's second book. I've decided at this point that Kultgen is my new favorite author and can do no wrong. It was a quick read, I breezed through it in a morning. I like how the chapters were short and the manner in which they were written. The views and opinions of our average male in this book I feel were right on target, despicable as they sometimes were. To be honest, after putting this book down I lost (perhaps temporarily) all desire to ever get married. I think the book also managed to give a real glimpse as to what the "average female" is like. Casey's (the guy's girlfriend)willingness, to sucker a bastard into marriage, no matter what the cost, left me with bile in my mouth.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted December 12, 2007

    american guys are bored.

    One of the funniest. Books. Ever. Had me from the first line. It gets a little repetitive towards the end which is pretty anticlimactic (actually...now that I think about it, that does make sense in this context and is pretty ironic, too). Nevertheless, great read.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted July 22, 2007

    Best book I read in a while

    I picked up this book off the shelves, and as soon as opened it and read the first page it gave me a little smile and a shock of interest. I read more on and I was hooked. It just so happens I was looking for a book with crude humor (Its my 'thing') and I came accross this and it was exactly what I was looking for. The bad language actually made me enjoy the book more due to it made me feel comfortable and right at home and fun to read. Although it's fiction I could imagine an actual guy doing at least some of these things (not me of course...) Also the views that he gave on the 'pregnancy' subject he kinda gave a pretty good idea of what most guys would feel in that situation. I give this book a good recommendation, even if you don't believe in alot of the things mentioned, it's still a pretty amusing read. High five to Chad, this book made my day, and hopefully more peoples as well.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted June 29, 2007

    Nothing happens

    Existentialism for the 21st century. This book has almost no literary or artistic content whatsoever, which gives it a depth that eludes modern authors who try to artificially inject meaning using clever literary tricks.

    0 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted April 21, 2007

    It certainly is different ....

    When I first started reading this book, I was shocked by the language and content. Once I grew accustomed to it, I looked at the story for what it really was: a guy's point of view uncensored. I don't think it's really a question about whether every guy thinks like this because that's irrelevant. Most importantly, the narrator is practically still the same guy at the end as he was at the beginning, no matter what he goes through. About 98% the same. It's an atypical read for me because I'm accustomed to female writers, but I highly recommend it females too.

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  • Posted February 2, 2009

    more from this reviewer

    Awesome book...

    This book is fantastic. I was laughing the whole way through. The title says it all, this book really is about the average American male. I could not put this book down. BUY THIS BOOK!

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