The Average American Male

by Chad Kultgen

Overview

“I can’t figure out if this book is a heart-felt dispatch from the front line in the battle of the sexes or a brilliant send-up of the way in which the male point of view has been misrepresented by militant feminists. I suspect it may be both.” —Toby Young, New York Times bestselling author of How to Lose Friends and Alienate People

An offensive, in-your-face, brutally honest and completely hilarious look at male inner life and sexual fantasy. In the course of this hilariously honest book, our narrator suffers through a relationship with his wannabe-actress girlfriend until he finds the perfect girl. But when he moves into the new relationship, he slowly realizes he thinks that all women are pretty much the same, that his true desires will never be fulfilled, and the decision between living life alone or biting the marriage bullet must be made.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9780061231674
Publisher:	HarperCollins
Publication date:	03/13/2007
Pages:	256
Product dimensions:	5.31(w) x 8.00(h) x 0.58(d)

About the Author

Chad Kultgen is a graduate of the USC School of Cinematic Arts. His novels include The Average American Male, The Average American Marriage, The Lie, and Men, Women & Children, the basis of a feature film by Jason Reitman. He lives in California.

Read an Excerpt

Chapter One

Christmas with Mom and Dad

Same old bullshit.

Chapter Two

The Flight Back to L.A.

It's two days after Christmas. I'm in Denver International Airport watching this old fat bitch eat a cup of yogurt. My blood is boiling.

She has this weird little baby spoon, and these leathery fucking jowls, and this twitchy mouth, and her little tongue keeps jerking around to lick this shit off her lips—it's really fucking disgusting me. But even more disgusting to me is the fact that her mouth has had cocks in it. I wonder what it is, other than age, that turns a mouth a man would want to put his cock in into a twitching hole getting yogurt shoveled into it with a baby spoon.

At some point in this old cunt's life some guy was paying for her dinner, buying her presents, and being as nice and romantic as possible just so he could put his cock in that disgusting fucking hole.

On the plane—

There's a girl sitting next to me with red hair and perfect rock-hard C cups. She can't be more than nineteen and I'd love to know her name so I could see if it fits. I don't ask her even though she'd probably tell me, and it might even lead to a full-on conversation, which might lead to something else, like getting her number or taking her out to dinner. Instead, I just lean back, get a big whiff of her shampoo, and wonder if she could ever possibly know that I'll think about her for the next few weeks every time I jerk off. Probably not.

And I'm out like a light.

I'm still in a weird kind of dream when I get off the plane at LAX so I'm not sure if Trent Reznor walks past me at the Delta baggage claim. I am sure thatthe redhead is standing by me, and even though I don't have any bags to wait for, she does, so I pretend to.

I look at her luggage tag when she picks up her suitcase. Alyna Janson. It fits.

Satisfied, I go wait for twenty minutes to pay twenty dollars to ride a SuperShuttle back to my apartment in Westwood. Coincidentally enough, Alyna gets on the same SuperShuttle and tells the driver she's going to UCLA, two blocks from my house.

I stare at her without her knowing or caring until we get to her stop. When she gets out I don't make any effort to move out of her way, so she has to brush me with her ass, and she has a nice fucking ass.

When I get off the bus at my own stop I'm glad I never talked to Alyna. When I walk through my front door I wish I had. When I hit my bed, I'm glad I have a girlfriend I can fuck on a regular basis. When I wake up the next morning to a phone call begging me to spend my last days off going to the gym and shopping at Century City with her, I wish I didn't.

The Average American Male
A Novel. Copyright © by Chad Kultgen. Reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc. All rights reserved. Available now wherever books are sold.

What People are Saying About This

Toby Young

“[A] brilliant send-up of the way ...the male point of view has been misrepresented by militant feminists.”

Josh Kilmer-Purcell

“It’s so primal, so dangerous, it might be the most ingenious book I’ve ever read.”

Editorial Reviews

It’s so primal, so dangerous, it might be the most ingenious book I’ve ever read.” — Josh Kilmer-Purcell, New York Times bestselling author of I AM NOT MYSELF THESE DAYS

“I can’t figure out if this book is a heart-felt dispatch from the front line in the battle of the sexes or a brilliant send-up of the way in which the male point of view has been misrepresented by militant feminists. I suspect it may be both.” — Toby Young, New York Times bestselling author of HOW TO LOSE FRIENDS AND ALIENATE PEOPLE

“[B]uy Chad’s book. It’s a blueprint of how the mind—and penis—of a typical American male works.” — Maddox, New York Times bestselling author of THE ALPHABET OF MANLINESS

“An appalling book we couldn’t put down.” — Penthouse

From the Publisher

[B]uy Chad’s book. It’s a blueprint of how the mind—and penis—of a typical American male works.

New York Times bestselling author of THE ALPHABET Maddox

It’s so primal, so dangerous, it might be the most ingenious book I’ve ever read.

Josh Kilmer-Purcell

An appalling book we couldn’t put down.

Penthouse

I can’t figure out if this book is a heart-felt dispatch from the front line in the battle of the sexes or a brilliant send-up of the way in which the male point of view has been misrepresented by militant feminists. I suspect it may be both.

Toby Young

"[B]uy Chad’s book. It’s a blueprint of how the mind—and penis—of a typical American male works."

New York Times Bestselling author of THE ALPHABET OF MANLINESS - Maddox