Baby Laughs: The Naked Truth about the First Year of Mommyhood

Read an Excerpt

I’m sure you’ve run into those people who try to scare you with horror stories. People would tell me in my ninth month that my life was going to be over. I hated hearing that I wasn’t going to be able to do anything anymore. My freedom was gone. But know what I tell them now? My life isn’t over . . . it’s only just begun!

I can’t believe it took me twenty-nine years of life to finally bring my son into this world. Am I glad I waited? OF COURSE! But I can’t imagine how the world even survived without this precious little spirit being here. He’s made me a better person. I realize what’s important in life now, and I can’t wait to spoil him with love.

People always say that the love of your child is so much different from any other kind of love. I would always say, “Yeah, yeah, I love my mom so much that I’m sure it’s not that far off.” But it is. It’s not that it’s more or less love, it’s just that it consumes every part of your DNA. This baby is part of you. This baby will love YOU unconditionally, and it’s up to YOU to mold this child into a beautiful being.

Wow, I sound all spiritual and shit. Hey, it happens! While you read this book, I might just take you to that spiritual place, but for the most part I’ll be making you laugh your ass off. There are plenty of Baby Laughs you’ll get to experience on your own. In the meantime, I hope you enjoy mine and learn a little something along the way.

Welcome to the new club, girls. The First-Year Mommy Club. But it’s a new millennium, ladies, and it’s our duty to make moms even better. So dig in and enjoy the book, cuz as I said before, “Move over, Mrs. Cleaver, there’s a new bitch in town!” And this bitch is gonna make sure moms across the world look damn good!!

Blowing Out Your Vagina
(Vaginal Delivery)
1

I thought I was really funny in my last trimester telling people I was only three weeks away from “blowing out my vagina.” Little did I know that my own slang term was the reason why I started hyperventilating during labor. When they told me I was fully dilated, I freaked. I pictured my vagina looking like a firecracker when I was finished. Just blown out, with pieces hanging off.

Anyway, when the nurses told me to start pushing, I unwillingly did. I pushed extra hard just to get it over with. And if you were a good girl and read my last book, you know that I pushed and pushed and pushed and nothing happened. I knew something was wrong with my vagina, and so did the five doctors with their arms, not hands, but ARMS up my vagina. If a baby wasn’t coming through this way, the doctors did a really great job stretching things out down there for no reason. By this point, which was a few hours into it, my strong and supportive husband started complaining of chest pain. If you could believe it, the doctor actually pulled him out of the room and had him tested to make sure he wasn’t having a heart attack. I never told him this, but I was so exhausted I didn’t even notice he was gone. Fortunately, he didn’t have a heart attack and came back to chant Push! with the rest of the squad.

After I did even more pushing, the doctor started pulling out “toys.” He pulled out the Hoover vacuum and tried sucking the baby out. I remember the doctor’s arms shaking from using all his strength to yank out the baby. It looked like a tug of war. Next they tried using those giant salad spoons to try to get him out. Those things were so big I couldn’t believe they just slid right in. The way they were bringing things in and out of my vagina was freaking me out. It got to the point where I thought the doctor was going to tell me he’d be right back, and then he’d crawl inside me to check on things and I would just see his feet sticking out. I’m amazed that a vagina can open up like that. It’s really not something to be that proud of, though. “Mine is bigger than yours” is not a goal for women.

If you haven’t delivered yet and I’m totally freaking you out, I can tell you one great thing about all of this. I didn’t feel a thing!! My epidural was working so well that you could have valet parked some cars up there, and I still wouldn’t have felt anything. So, after three and a half hours of pushing, I was rushed in for an emergency C-section, which you’ll read about in the next chapter.

When the baby finally does come through vaginally, most women say the discomfort factor goes way down, like taking the biggest but cutest #2 in your life. Aah!! While you’re holding your baby and counting to make sure all of its fingers and toes are there, your doctor goes back to work on your sinkhole. If you tore, you might notice him doing some needlework down there. This is when the doctor cracks that joke, “And one more stitch for the husband.” That’s supposed to imply, of course, that he’s making things tighter down there for your husband’s pleasure. Whatever.

That’s something my husband would always tease me about when I was pregnant. When I would tease him about blowing out my vagina, he would tease me back by saying that sex with me was going to feel like he was throwing a hot dog down a hallway.

I did ask my doctor if a woman’s vagina kind of snaps back into place. He says that, for the most part, it really does after the first baby, but when you’re getting up there with the number of deliveries, things can get a little blown out, and that some women opt for surgery to tighten it up down there. No, thanks, Doc, I’d rather just fake my orgasms and talk dirty than go through vagina-tightening surgery.

Another aftershock of delivery is noticing that when you sneeze or laugh hard you’ll pee. That’s true for a lot of women. I’ve tinkled from a good chuckle, but after delivery I continued those annoying Kegels, which helped strengthen my control again.

The day after your delivery or even later that same day, I highly suggest asking for the numbing spray and an ice pack. My friends who actually tore described it as feeling like somebody had scrubbed the hell out of their “kitty” with a pad. They said it stung. So get an ice pack on that thing and ask for that numbing spray. It really does wonders. Right before you check out, ask for it again. A little squirt-squirt will make the bumpy ride home not so bumpy.

So, you officially did it. You officially blew out your vagina by this point, and all you got was a baby. I’m just kidding. Your suffering paid off because you are now going to experience the best of what life has to offer. I promise you. It truly is an amazing ride.

Waitress, Can You Bring Me
the Check? I’m Gonna Take My
Baby TO GO!
(Coming Home)
1

The day arrived when I could finally go home. I was both terrified and excited. The nurses seemed just as excited to get me the hell out of there. They like the turnover. You’re in, you’re out.

I knew they weren’t going to wrap my baby up in tinfoil shaped like a swan and toss us to the curb, so I took my time. Having a C-section was really difficult. I still had a very hard time walking, so I was enjoying the last of the hospital’s wonderful painkillers. Those things were great. I knew what it was like to be Courtney Love for a week.

While my husband was wrapping up the bill, I lay in bed and thought about how nervous I felt being the one in charge of my baby now. When you undergo a C-section, you’re in the hospital for about five days, so you get a little accustomed to handing the baby over to a nurse when you need to rest. There were no nurses coming home with me. My mother was going to be there, and that was comforting, but I knew she would eventually have to fly back home to Chicago.

Before you leave the hospital, you need to ask every question you can possibly conjure up for the nurses. Let them show you how to change a diaper. Ask about feeding times or whatever you feel unsure about or any of the stuff you didn’t understand in all the million baby books you’ve read. I was too much in a fog to think up questions, so I hope you remember to open your mouth and ask away!

This is also a great time to “borrow” a few items from the hospital. Make sure you grab that nose suction thing. I call it a booger sucker! This will come in so handy. It will be hard to find a good one like it, so be sure to “borrow” the hospital’s. Also grab an extra baby blanket. They look so cozy and are already broken in. Another thing to stock up on are those maxi pads that are the size of mattresses. Make sure to “borrow” plenty of those, although I’m sure they won’t want those back after you’re done with them.

Finally it was time to put our baby in the car seat. This was truly a great moment. The car seat is the first thing your baby uses from your collection of shower gifts, and hearing that click of the buckle made us giggle as we loaded him into it. I would always laugh when I saw moms sitting in the backseat with their babies while their husbands drove up front, alone. I just thought it looked weird. I wanted to say, “Go sit with your husband! Your baby isn’t going anywhere strapped in that seat.”

So I swore I’d never do that, but as we were about to drive off, I opened the door and sat next to my baby in the backseat. I’m such a hypocrite. But as they say, until you walk in a mommy’s shoes, you have no idea. Actually, I don’t think that’s a saying, but just go with it.

The whole way home, my husband drove ten miles per hour under the speed limit. I wish there was a special lane dedicated to new mommies or at least a special siren we could put on the car, screaming, “NEW BABY GOING HOME . . . GET OUT OF THE WAY.”

When we pulled up to the front of the house, I had my mom go inside and grab the camera. I wanted the moment to be captured on film. Now, when I look back at that picture, I laugh. In my head I thought it was going to be the most beautiful picture known to mankind: husband and wife with child. Instead I look like I’m wearing clothes custom- made for a hippo with our son tucked so deeply into his car seat you can’t even see his face.

We walked into the house, and I showed him his new home. This was going to be his safe bubble and I was there to make sure that no one popped it. I showed him all of the great stuffed animals in his room and all the other stuff he was going to have fun looking at once he could see.

As I looked down at that squished face, I started crying. I did it! This was my boy. I told him he was going to be so happy he picked me as a mom. I was gonna love him and support him no matter what he wanted to grow up to be . . . except a mime. . . . They just always freaked me out.

Everyone always says their babies grow up so fast. So I hope you’ll take the time to treasure all these sweet moments. Not so far away are some pretty stinky ones. Pun intended!

Okay, Um . . .
Can Someone Quickly Explain
How to Raise a Human Being?
(Freaking Out)
1

You’re home. You settled back into the nest. Your mom has left, and it’s just you, your husband, and the baby. YES!

You begin taking on the sole responsibility of caring for the baby. Okay, this is when I started to freak out. “Oh, my God!! It’s just us? But how do we know what to do? My mom picked up where the nurses left off. How am I just supposed to take over?” The amazing thing is you do eventually slide nicely right into parenting. Just not overnight.

When the baby starts crying, you go through your list of logical reasons. You try feeding him. Nope, that ain’t it. Then you try changing his diaper. Nope, that ain’t it. He’s still crying. But why? How come? That’s when a new mom becomes lost and confused. Then you begin to analyze the cry. “Well, it doesn’t sound like a pain cry, so I don’t need to panic.” Maybe he’s cold, so you bundle him up. Nope, that ain’t it either. You try just about everything until you come to the conclusion that sometimes they just cry.

If you end up having a colicky baby, know that you are not alone. My son wasn’t colicky, but that doesn’t mean that someday Baby #2 isn’t going to be. Doctors still don’t know why some babies get colicky. I personally think they’re pissed off not being in the cozy womb. Now they have to get cold, hungry, and gassy, and they ain’t happy.

I actually told God before my son was born that he could be born without a pinkie toe just as long as he wasn’t colicky. I know that’s horrible, but I didn’t care. Colicky stories are scary. If you do get a colicky baby, know that they do eventually grow out of it. If I were you, and I could be someday, I’d make sure to read up on tips on how to deal with colic. I do know this: Colicky or not, newborns like to be wrapped up like a burrito. It makes them feel like they are back inside Mommy. I’d wrap my son up nice and snug, and I gotta tell ya, it did wonders. Make sure they teach you how to do it in the hospital. They know how to make a great burrito!

I remember trying to figure out the whole burping thing. I saw the nurses in the hospital hold babies up on their knees like ventriloquists holding dummies. I hadn’t seen babies burped that way before. It was always over the shoulder. Anyhow, I imitated the nurses, with little pats on the back. And whaddaya know? BURP! It definitely sounded like this kid was my son.

Then, other times, when I would try to burp the baby, he wouldn’t do it. This drove me nuts because I was scared to put him back into the crib for fear of choking.

So I would sit there forever, trying to get him to burp until I realized that sometimes babies just won’t burp. My son seemed to do just fine through those burpless nights. But, of course, I still slept with one eye open the whole time.

When you are finally allowed to give your baby a tub bath, which is well after the cord has fallen off, it’s kind of cute and messy all at once. I still say the kitchen sink is your best bet in the beginning. Babies are so tiny, and the kitchen sink is the perfect height for you. Just throw a towel down in there or a baby sponge to avoid slippage, and then scrub- a-dub-dub. As long as the temp is lukewarm, you will most likely find your baby LOVING it.

If you have a boy, get ready for your baby to pee in your mouth when you are about to put him in the tub. As soon as I put his little toe in the water his pee stream always got me. Fun!

One of my favorite things to do with my son at this early age was to rock him in the chair and watch him smile. Every book, mother, and doctor will tell you that your baby isn’t smiling at this age. Well, they can all kiss my ass. If I want to say my baby is smiling and not having gas, then he’s smiling. I honestly believe that.

I know a newborn’s vision is not up to par yet, and they don’t really look at you when they “smile,” but just watch them. It’s amazing. I personally think they’re smiling at their guardian angels or at your relatives who might have passed. ’Cause if you believe in all that stuff, your baby probably just saw them, like, a few weeks ago. So when they pop up, they’re like, “Hey, how’s it going?” My son would smile and giggle so hard at the ceiling. It was comforting to think that maybe my grandpa was making him laugh. I honestly think it takes about one month to get the parent system down. That first week is like cramming for a test, but after a few more you will at least feel in control. You’ll look like shit, with armpit hair down to the floor, and have bags under your eyes. But at least you’ll have peace of mind, knowing that you’re becoming a great mommy!

Oh, No, I Ran Out of Cottage
Cheese. Wait, I Can Just Scrape
Some Off My THIGHS!
(Still FAT)
1

Great, now I had NO excuse. I could no longer get away with saying things like “I’m not fat, I’m pregnant”; “No, silly, I’m just retaining a lot of water”; and “I need to eat all the leftovers because I’m eating for two.”

The baby was now out of my body, and it was time to face a woman’s ugliest reality . . . looking at her fat. This took a while to do, ya know. I avoided looking at my body altogether for about three weeks after I gave birth. When I showered I would just pretend I was wiping down a hippo at the zoo, not my actual self. I refused to look in any mirror but knew the day was coming to face the grim reaper of fat. CELLULITE.

I finally started to feel like I was healing from my C-section. I officially stood up straight for the first time without being hunched over and felt like I might make an attempt to hit the gym in the near future. But I was REALLY unmotivated. I just wanted to spend every second with my baby and not have to worry about hitting my target heart rate.

So I knew I needed a strong motivator. That was the day I decided to REALLY look in the mirror. This day will unfortunately be burned into the back of my head for the rest of my life. I took off my robe and turned on some overhead lighting (we all know from dressing rooms, overhead lighting was created by the devil). I opened my eyes and SCREAMED, “Oh MY GOD.”

I didn’t know what to cry about first. I still had two chins. I had purple, veiny, GIANT tits. Cottage cheese holes were dripping down my thighs, to the point that I couldn’t see my knees, and the absolute, hands-down worst thing was the deflated tire around my waist, a jelly roll that jiggled and slapped each side of my body when I shook back and forth. I had a C-section scar with stitches that lined my abdomen, and cellulite divots that could hold golf balls. I simply stood there and stared in awe at Mother Nature’s artwork. I was so glad my husband was not home to see the piglet monster. I just wish once in a man’s lifetime he could experience what a woman has to go through to give birth. My husband hadn’t seen me completely naked in months, and you could be damn sure he wasn’t gonna start then.

Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, I realized I hadn’t looked at my ass yet!! I contemplated just avoiding it altogether, but I figured I had gone this far, why stop? So I turned, looked over my shoulder, and opened my eyes. I stared at it for a beat and, believe it or not, started laughing. Not because it didn’t look that bad but because it was the largest, ugliest ass I had ever seen. It even had a few zits on it. The laugh eventually ended because I began to cry.

At this point I was really pissed off that I’d let myself gain so much weight. I guess I was in denial and kept thinking it was water weight as I shoved a pan of brownies in my mouth every night. When I got home from the hospital, I did manage to weigh myself to see how much was lost in delivery. I lost thirty pounds. Wow, sounds great, huh? Except for the fact that I still had to lose FIFTY more pounds!!!! I could clearly see at this moment that the scale wasn’t broken like I thought it was.

I was now just too embarrassed even to walk into a gym. Especially with paparazzi around taking pictures of celebrities after they have babies to show how fat they got. It’s such a horrible thing to do, but secretly I LOVE reading about how fat they got too. Now I kinda get why people like seeing celebrities get fat. Ya figure, hey, if we’re struggling, they should too. But even though I loved reading about fat celebrities, I didn’t want to be one. So I stayed home until I lost more weight. What a wuss, huh?

Still, sitting around at home for a couple more weeks did nothing. Later on in the book you will read about my journey toward losing the weight in “Burning the Muumuu”!! So, for now, have peace of mind, knowing that this mini-celebrity’s ass is the size of the Titanic and it ain’t going down that quick!