Badass [NOOK Book]

Overview

An unstoppable collection of the most hardcore figures who ever strapped on chain mail and ran screaming into battle

Throughout history?from the bone-crushing age of antiquity to the sack-tearing modern era?there have been larger-than-life ass-kickers with a natural talent for unleashing their epic bloodlust on anyone who crossed them. They built empires, smashed armies, and ravaged civilizations for wealth, glory, and ultimate supremacy. Sometimes villains, sometimes heroes, ...

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Badass

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Overview

An unstoppable collection of the most hardcore figures who ever strapped on chain mail and ran screaming into battle

Throughout history—from the bone-crushing age of antiquity to the sack-tearing modern era—there have been larger-than-life ass-kickers with a natural talent for unleashing their epic bloodlust on anyone who crossed them. They built empires, smashed armies, and ravaged civilizations for wealth, glory, and ultimate supremacy. Sometimes villains, sometimes heroes, sometimes criminally insane, they had one thing in common: They were all . . . Badass!

Chandragupta Maurya
An Indian warlord who commanded an army of drunken war elephants and employed an elite detachment of highly trained female bodyguards

Peter Francisco
An unsung hero of the American Revolution, this powerful giant battled the British with a massive five-foot-long broadsword

Wolf the Quarrelsome
A mysterious barbarian leader who only appears in history twice—and both times he's kicking someone's ass

Bhanbhagta Gurung
A fearless Gurkha who won the Victoria Cross by clearing out six Japanese foxholes with nothing more than grenades, a bayonet, and a knife

From Alexander the Great to George S. Patton, from Genghis Khan to Bruce Lee, this pantheon of ass-kicking awesomeness should inspire you to quit your stupid job and dive headfirst into a new career as a professional badass.

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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9780061959172
  • Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers
  • Publication date: 10/27/2009
  • Sold by: HARPERCOLLINS
  • Format: eBook
  • Pages: 352
  • Sales rank: 205,020
  • File size: 8 MB

Meet the Author

Ben Thompson

Ben Thompson has run the warhammer of a website badassoftheweek.com since 2004, and has written humorous history-related columns for outlets such as Cracked, Fangoria, Penthouse, and the American Mustache Institute. Even though he's never flown a jetpack over the Atlantic Ocean or punched someone so hard that his head exploded, he is considered by many to be the world's foremost expert on badassitude. He is the author of Badass and Badass: The Birth of a Legend.

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Table of Contents

The Bone-Crushing Principles of Complete and Utter Badassitude 1

Section I Antiquity: Destroying your enemies from the beginning of human history to the fall of Rome in 476 CE 7

1 Ramses II 9

Egyptian pharaoh who built an empire through propaganda, war, and giant sculptures of his grimacing face

2 Leonidas 15

His 300 Spartans fought the most famous last stand in history

3 Xenophon 23

Trapped deep behind enemy lines, he led a small band of mercenaries on an epic odyssey worthy of Homer himself

4 Alexander the Great 29

Conquered most of the known world before his thirty-third birthday

5 Chandragupta Maurya 37

Indian warlord who commanded an army of war elephants and an elite detachment of highly trained female bodyguards

6 Liu Ji 47

This impoverished peasant clawed his way from nothing to become the emperor of China's most powerful dynasty

7 Gaius Julius Caesar 55

Rome's most daring general was a military genius who laid the foundation for an empire that would last centuries

8 The Surena 63

Parthian warlord who inflicted, one of the worst defeats the Romans ever suffered

9 Julia Agrippina 69

The cunning black widow of Rome was the real power behind the throne of three emperors

10 Alaric the Bold 77

Ruthless ruler of the Visigoths and the first barbarian king to sack Rome in nearly a millennium

Section II The Middle Ages: Getting medieval on their asses: the fall of Rome to the destruction of Constantinople in 1453 85

11 Khalid bin Walid 87

The "Sword of Allah" crushed the Persian and Byzantine Empires with just a handful of battle-hardened warriors

12 Justinian II 95

Brutal Byzantine emperor who let nothing stand in the way ofhis quest for vengeance

13 Charles Martel 103

The Hammer of Christendom won the battle that would forever keep the Moors out of Western Europe

14 Wolf the Quarrelsome 109

Mysterious barbarian leader who only appears in history twice-and both times he's kicking someone's ass

15 William the Conqueror 117

This crazy bastard's ruthless invasion of England would change the course of history for centuries to come

16 Harald Hardrada 125

The last of the great Viking sea kings decapitated fools up and down the Mediterranean

17 El Cid Gampeador 133

Spain's most legendary knight, this hero of the Reconquista never tasted defeat on the field of battle

18 Tomae Gozen 139

Tough female samurai distinguished herself in countless battles, fighting with the ferocity of ten men

19 Genghis Khan 145

The tyrannical khan of khans forged history's most expansive empire-one giant pile of human skulls at a time

20 Vlad the Impaler 153

The real Count Dracula wasn't actually a vampire, but he wasn't exactly a nice guy, either

Section III The Age of Gunpowder: Blowing crap up from 1453 to the assassination of the Archduke Franz Ferdinand in 1914 159

21 Miyamoto Musashi 161

Wandering samurai swordsman won sixty duels between the ages of thirteen and thirty

22 Peter the Great 169

The almighty tsar of imperial Russia crushed his enemies and partied like a seventeenth-century rock star

23 Blackbeard 177

Many sailors believed this fearsome cutthroat was the devil incarnate-they may have been right

24 Anne Bonny 165

One of the only documented female pirates was also one of history's most dangerous

25 Peter Francisco 193

Unsung hero of the American Revolution who fought the redcoats with a massive five-foot-long broadsword

26 Horatio Nelson 201

One-eyed, one-armed British admiral who spent his life blasting French warships into driftwood

27 Napoleon Bonaparte 209

Corsican commoner seized control of France and repeatedly beat the crap out of Europe's most powerful empires

28 Aguslina of Aragon 219

The Maid of Saragossa fearlessly defended her city against a rampaging French army

29 Bass Reeves 227

Runaway slave who became one of most successful lawmen and gunfighters of the American West

30 Nikola Tesla 237

The greatest mad scientist of all time spent his final days developing a massive atomic death ray

Section IV The Modern Era: Mechanized chaos and full-auto destruction: World War I to 2009 243

31 Manfred von Richthofen 245

The Red Baron struck fear into the hearts of everything over the skies of Europe, except maybe a few species of birds

32 Henry Lincoln Johnson 255

From humble beginnings to American war hero, he took on the Germans in hand-to-hand combat to rescue his comrade

33 Eliot Ness 261

His small group of hard-boiled, "Untouchables" took down the most notorious crime lord in American history

34 Jack Churchill 269

Swashbuckling British officer fought World War II with a longbow, a broadsword, and a set of bagpipes

35 Irina Sebrova 277

Soviet pilot flew daring raids over German airspace at the head of an all-female bomber unit known as the "Night Witches"

36 Bhanbhagta Gurung 285

Gurkha soldier cleared out six enemy bunkers with grenades, a knife, a rock, and anything else he managed to get his hands on

37 George S. Patton 291

The toughest military commander in American history tossed out traditional military tactics in favor of all-out assaults

38 Carlos Hathcock 299

Operating deep behind enemy lines in-North Vietnam, this Marine sniper earned a reputation as the deadliest man alive

39 Bruce Lee 309

The legendary martial arts master honed his body to become the ultimate killing machine

40 Jonathan Netanyahu 317

Israeli Special Forces commander personally led one of the world's most successful counterterrorist operations

Bibliography 323

Acknowledgments 333

Illustration Credits 335

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Customer Reviews

Average Rating 4
( 49 )
Rating Distribution

5 Star

(29)

4 Star

(7)

3 Star

(6)

2 Star

(1)

1 Star

(6)

Your Rating:

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See All Sort by: Showing 1 – 20 of 49 Customer Reviews
  • Posted March 15, 2011

    more from this reviewer

    A winner

    Ben Thompson switches from the real Badass personas of his previous tale to those of legend (biblical, mythology and Hollywood) with thirty-eight entries. Some of the toughest kick butts are females like Kali the Indian Goddess who dined on entails washed down buy blood and Atalanta who sailed on the Argo and defeated the male Greek heroes in a wrestling tournament. Others include Captain Kirk, Moby Dick, Thor, Beowulf and Godzilla, etc. The basic underlying theme that connects the Badass heroes and antiheroes is the battle between irrelevancy and reverence for top dog as only the winner does not have to look at the butt of the loser (even Saint Michael the Archangel who beat Satan's butt receives this treatment). Fittingly the Daleks are included; if you are unaware of who they are, this probably is not your book. For the rest of us, the glib commentaries make my day (Harry is included).

    Harriet Klausner

    2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted October 24, 2009

    more from this reviewer

    Very humerous

    The title will kick most people's butts as BADASS is a not fiction, but a terrific forty entry short biographical accounts of some of the toughest warriors in history. The book is divided into four sections (Antiquities, The Middle Ages, The Age Of Gunpowder, and The Modern Era) with ten entries in each. The Antiquities and The Middle ages are fascinating for those who are lesser known like Julia "the black widow of Rome" Grippina and Indian Warlord Chandraguupta Maurya although the writings on Julius Caesar, Alexander the Great, von Richtofen of Snoopy and music renown and Leonids of 300 Men fame are quite good. The other three sections contain some ass whippers from Napoleon to Pattern to Bruce Lee to Testa. All the entries are fun to read as gender and location is not a prerequisite to warriors entering a butt kicking battle in which the leader knows he or she will leave dead and maimed on the battlefield, but as Ben Thompson cites Mike Tyson with "I want your heart. I want to eat your children". This is what makes a true BADASS and this biography an entertaining read as real persona like Wolf the Quarrelsome barbarian and Bhanbhagta Gurung the fearless Gurkha make this fun for the armchair warrior.
    .
    Harriet Klausner

    2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted March 13, 2013

    Hey read

    Gay...... gay...gay

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  • Posted November 19, 2012

    Highly Recommended!! Great way to learn history!!

    As my husband was recuperating from hip surgery, he would help me fix supper by reading one of these chapters. It was an awesome way to improve his mood and help me through the chores. All ages will enjoy it!!!

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  • Anonymous

    Posted August 22, 2012

    Traning for hatchlings

    -amelia

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  • Anonymous

    Posted April 10, 2012

    Recommended

    I enjoyed the read. It was very entertaining and will buy the other book that Ben Thompson wrote.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted March 4, 2012

    These are fast reads, well written, highly entertaining, and whe

    These are fast reads, well written, highly entertaining, and when possible, well researched. chapters range from Micheal the Archangel and Beowolf to a super human Marine sniper and the even Mr. T and a disabled was veteran who long ago lived in a galaxy far, far away. My favorite chapter was on Sampson from the Old Testament book of Judges. Great stuff. I have bought several copies of both books and give them as a set as gifts. Worth it!

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Posted December 28, 2011

    Very humours highly recommended!

    I liked his first book a little better but found this one just as good. Kept my attion all the way through and did not disapoint in the humor department at all.

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  • Posted August 8, 2011

    more from this reviewer

    Wow!

    I found this book very original and fun. Any fans of history and mythology with some humor thrown in will love this book. Writing in the language of today's youth, the author gives thorough overviews of all of our favorite heroes from mythology. From Zeus to Dirty Harry, they are all covered here. -Michael

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  • Anonymous

    Posted March 22, 2011

    ohhgfwogckugvqedcqqkv

    wdkhv..csxx kckyyvmhkcqkvvlusgckayclugckyckyccqkqgkgkqkyqvlgvqqkyxwqvqkgqckgmgqbqxjjwyyvxuqfvyggdydgydydhvvcdubbjenugdhgdhebufdbghdbdggujsvsjhkkgvuwhwgcyqcxmmcdnd,m.mxm.hhffnnbdgyiyfwvyfbchrbriufugfrgbiiboxhiehijucuuncbcjnniivrhhjebbjeucbbkeknjjjnnejndhrunriijehyfjgjdufntndbjfeuueufinkrkddjbjejencirurgeufbbnjkkhggtugrfrjhjfrnuucyfjbhhjfhjgsjndbgdnjhudundmnvcuhchdbdbdb. jvjdbvjc

    0 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted March 13, 2011

    Waste of money.

    One of the stupidest books i have ever come across. DO NOT BUY.

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  • Posted March 27, 2010

    What a Disappointment!

    It was probably foolish of me to think that the vulgar and puerile language would end with the title. I had purchased this intending to give it to one of my students, a history buff, as a graduation gift. I tossed it in the trash two days after I began reading it. The information may be accurate but the language is vulgar and crude, at best. I would not insult my student nor demean myself by giving the book as a gift or recommending it, to anyone. I was hoping for something along the lines of BEOWULF ON THE BEACH, but this is simply an outpouring of vulgar sexual language that would embarrass anyone with a modicum of education or refinement.

    0 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted February 21, 2010

    Entertaining and funny. If you think history is boring, this book may change your mind.

    Thompson writes a tribute to some of history's toughest people as well as all things bad-ass. He imbues the subjects of his book with life and personality. Peppering the book with colloquial and deliberatley anachronistic descriptions of historical characters and their feats of bad-assitude make this a fun, light-hearted read. Ben Thompson himself, I strongly suspect, is not a bad-ass. We know this from his many references to dungeons and dragons type roll playing games. Personally I've never met a person into that stuff who can fight his way out of a wet paper bag. At times it is difficult to separate his funny tangents from the real historical facts. Still, it is clear that Thompson loves and respects his subject and invites the reader to do so as well. And when all the tounge in cheek and laughter is done, you might just discover that you learned somthing along the way.

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  • Posted February 20, 2010

    Badass is a mixed bag

    I went into this expecting a somewhat bizarre look at forgotten figures from history, and I got that. Unfortunately it all seems to be written on the level of Beavis & Butt-head. At first it was funny, but it quickly got tiresome.

    That said, the books DOES cover some fascinating people. More detail might have been helpful, but with many of these figures, one should be glad they were covered at all in any fashion other than the "Ewww, our ancestors weren't PC, that's so awful!" version so beloved of modern popular histories.

    And these are some amazing people. The book covers the famous (Julius Ceasar, Alexander the Great, George S. Patton), the not so famous (Nikola Tesla), and the downright unknown (like Revolutionary war blacksmith Peter Francisco, a Gurkha who won the Victoria Cross in WW2, and one of the 'Harlem Hellfighters' from WW1, a unit I'd never even heard of before now). And the writing does rise to the occasion now and then, bringing some shocked laughs from me at least.

    And if you want more scholarly works, the author lists an amazing bibliography in the back. I'd say that if you want to read about bad (in both sense of the word) and brave men in history, this is the book you want for an introduction.

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  • Posted February 17, 2010

    more from this reviewer

    Overall Badass Read!

    OK, so the language may not be suitable for small children, but this book is the best thing I have read in YEARS! It mixes history with sarcasm in a way that I can't describe. The title explains itself... just read it!

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  • Anonymous

    Posted February 12, 2010

    This book is a joke.

    My son who this book was for stated that one's IQ decreases the longer they read this book. It can be read as non-serious and a bit of a laugh. Otherwise, it was a waste of money and not what we hoped we were getting.

    0 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted July 1, 2013

    No text was provided for this review.

  • Anonymous

    Posted October 22, 2012

    No text was provided for this review.

  • Anonymous

    Posted January 18, 2010

    No text was provided for this review.

  • Anonymous

    Posted May 2, 2011

    No text was provided for this review.

See All Sort by: Showing 1 – 20 of 49 Customer Reviews

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