Barack Like Me: The Chocolate-Covered Truth

Overview

FROM GROWING UP IN DETROIT, where he marched as a ten-year-old with Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., to attending the inauguration of President Barack Obama, where he narrowly avoided the Purple Tunnel of Doom but still saw nothing, David Alan Grier examines how he — and America — have changed for the better and the funnier.

Within these pages, Grier imagines being called to serve in President Obama's cabinet as the "secretary of mirth"; takes you to a wild and emotional election ...

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Barack Like Me: The Chocolate-Covered Truth

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Overview

FROM GROWING UP IN DETROIT, where he marched as a ten-year-old with Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., to attending the inauguration of President Barack Obama, where he narrowly avoided the Purple Tunnel of Doom but still saw nothing, David Alan Grier examines how he — and America — have changed for the better and the funnier.

Within these pages, Grier imagines being called to serve in President Obama's cabinet as the "secretary of mirth"; takes you to a wild and emotional election night party he hosted that didn't go as planned; explains the true meaning of the "magical Negro"; recalls the formative episodes from his life — including being rejected by the Black Panthers at their headquarters door and turning down the initial offer to work on In Living Color — and for the first time ever sneaks you backstage at Dancing with the Stars, where he exposes the inner workings of the show — the camaraderie between dancers and stars, the excruciatingly painful rehearsals, the outrageous preparations, and each hysterical moment of his four-episode appearance and subsequent public meltdown.

Grier unabashedly muses on politics, culture, and race while recounting his own life story in this edgy, timeless, hilarious, and revelatory memoir and look at all things Barack.

Barack Like Me is David Alan Grier at his best — the man, comic, and twenty-first-century thinker — funny, brilliant, and original.

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Editorial Reviews

From the Publisher
"David's humor, wit and intelligence are as big as his penis...Huge! He is single-handedly keeping the black comedy myth alive." — Chelsea Handler

"Barack Like Me is the most important book since Alex Haley's third book, Boots. With Barack Like Me, David Alan Grier has created a world of wizards and goblins that will surely become a great TV movie someday." — Chris Rock

"Hilarious! Pure DAG, Barack Like Me is a magical romp through one man's history that offers Americans a chance to examine its own. Full of surprises and profound insights, DAG takes readers on a modern journey through the looking glass of his life." — Dr. Drew Pinsky

"This book is funny and thought provoking. DAG may be the greatest Black American since Dr. Julius Washington Irving Carver!" — Adam Carolla

"The definitive guide to American blackness. A masterwork. Grier triumphs again." — Jimmy Kimmel

"This book will surprise and delight you. It's a splendid read!" — Lewis Black

"[David Alan Grier] is a pompous, potty-mouthed, windbag" — The New York Times

"A comic of undeniable charm and supple skills." — The Washington Post

"Sketch genius David Alan Grier plays the race card. Shamelessly, perceptively, and hilariously." — The Hollywood Reporter

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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9781439156827
  • Publisher: Touchstone
  • Publication date: 2/23/2013
  • Edition description: Reprint
  • Pages: 256
  • Product dimensions: 8.90 (w) x 6.00 (h) x 0.80 (d)

Meet the Author

Grier’s television credits are abundant. Grier is well known as being a principle cast member of the acclaimed television series “In Living Color,” where he helped to create some of that show’s most memorable characters, and also as a co-star on Bonnie Hunt’s hit ABC comedy “Life With Bonnie.” He also starred on the hit NBC show “DAG” where he played the title character, as well Keeping his close comedic relationship with the Wayans’ brothers, he co-starred with Damon Wayans in “Damon.” He also starred in the television miniseries “The 60s,” and “King of Texas” for cable television.

In addition Grier has gained recognition for his numerous feature film roles, including “Baadasssss!” for director Mario Van Peebles, “The Woodsman” opposite Kevin Bacon and Mos Def, “15 Minutes,” “Boomerang,” “Bewitched,” “Jumanji” and Robert Altman’s “Streamers,” for which he won a Golden Lion Award for Best Actor at the Venice Film Festival. David also co-wrote, produced and appeared in the independent film “Poker House,” Lori Petty’s directorial debut.

David recently appreared on the hit tv show Dancing With the Stars in which he danced his heart out for four episodes and then had a very public meltdown when he was eliminated that went viral on the internet. Grier also appeared in the Wayans Family's hit 2009 movie, 'Dance Flick' in which The New York Times gushed "Mr. Grier ultimately steals the movie with a tour-de-force". He is currently working on a stand-up comedy tour that may culminate in a special on Comedy Central about the experiences written about in Barack Like Me!!!

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Read an Excerpt

1SECRETARY OF MIRTH

Yes, we can!

And yes, we did.

We won!

January 2009. Going on two and a half months now and they haven’t taken it back.

I still don’t trust it. Every morning when I wake up I check and double-check. I need confirmation.

First thing I do is blink a couple of times to make sure I’m not dreaming. I lean over and kiss my wife, Christine, kiss and nuzzle my daughter, Luisa, check myself, see if I’m alive, yep, got all my parts, turn on CNN and NPR at the same time, even flip to Fox News, and yes—confirm—it’s still true.

Barack Obama is president of the United States.

It really happened.

Elected in a landslide, too. Over 69 million people voted for him, poked that chad, popped that cherry. Sixty-nine million people.

Incredible. Amazing. Historic.

True.

And here we are, Christine and I, invited guests to the Purple Ball on Inauguration Day, slammed up against the stage in this hangar-sized ballroom, purple neon strobe light stabbing our eyes, a throng of people mashed up against us, waiting for President Barack Obama and First Lady Michelle to arrive.

I admit it. I am in awe of this man. Today he will speak and dance at ten inaugural balls. Ten. Tomorrow he’ll be up at 5:00 a.m. to start his presidency. He promises to hit the ground running. Are you serious? I wouldn’t have gotten out of bed for three days.

A black president. Can you get your head around that? We’ve had black presidents before, but only on television and in the movies. And the moment a black guy becomes president, the world is about to end. Like in the movie Deep Impact, President Morgan Freeman doesn’t merely inherit the worst economic crisis in a century. No. That would be too easy. He inherits an asteroid flying through space about to blow up the earth.

In the back of my mind, I worry that Barack Obama’s presidency is doomed to fail. A young guy I spoke to on the street in New York said it best: “It’s obviously a plot. It’s rigged.”

I keep hearing those words: it’s rigged. Meaning that the only way that America elected a black man is because stuff is so fucked up, nobody can solve the problems. They put the brotha in to fail. And when he fails, they’ll say, “See? We told you,” and it’s back to business as usual. We’ll be lucky if a black guy gets elected president of the NAACP.

At the Purple Ball, my attention turns to a commotion from somewhere behind the stage. I hear urgent whispers and voices crackling through walkie-talkies, music suddenly blares, cranked up, and screaming, cheering, and applause from the hundreds of people behind me pound me like a thunderclap, and I gasp, I literally gasp, a lump rises in my throat, and appearing through what seems like the blue light of a camera flash, Barack Obama, the president of the United States of America, our president, walks out from the wings, in the words of Stuart Scott on ESPN, as cool as the other side of the pillow, strolling hand in hand with the First Lady, Michelle Obama, who in person, I’m telling you, is so beautiful she weakens my knees.

They bow slightly, like royalty, and then they clap, for us. They are both smiling. Grinning, really. But these are not triumphant smiles. They are modest smiles, smiles of acceptance, smiles of thanks.

Barack wears a black tuxedo. He looks thin and fit, taller than you’d think, his hoop player’s frame tucked into his tux sharp and taut. He would look cool in anything—tuxedo, sweat suit, bathrobe, toga, it wouldn’t matter.

Now Michelle swirls toward us wearing this off-white, one-shoulder, chiffon-y gown created by a young designer named Jason Wu. She is beaming and clapping and then waving, and she is beyond magnificent. She is radiant. The kind of stunning we’ve seen only once before in a First Lady, that being Jackie Kennedy.

I want to cry, but, frankly, I’m cried out. My tears have been flowing freely over the last months, often at the most unexpected and, yes, embarrassing times. But today, at this moment, while I’m moved and the emotions rise up, I feel strong. And proud. No. That’s not quite it. I feel more than proud. I feel—

Right.

Yes.

I feel that what is happening here, what I am witnessing, what I am experiencing is finally… right.

And I know that the journey I took to get here, the one ending at this inaugural ball, a journey that started before I was born, when my grandparents lived in the segregated South, a journey that took my family through backbreaking work in the fields, and riding in the back of the bus, is a journey that lives inside my soul. That’s why this moment feels right.

His smile widening bright enough to light the entire ballroom, President Barack Obama waves his hand to quiet the crowd. Not going to happen. The crowd roars louder. He laughs, enjoying the love that rushes over him and Michelle like a wave. He dips his head, feeling a little humbled and clearly overwhelmed. He waves again, a parade wave, and opens his mouth to speak, laughs, tries to speak again, and then after maybe thirty seconds, except for a few scattered shouts of untamed joy, the crowd quiets.

“I want to thank all of you not merely for helping me get elected,” Barack says. “But I want to thank each and every one of you for what you do to make this country special—”

Huge applause. Foot stomping. Howling.

“And I want to thank each and every one of you—”

Barack suddenly stops. All eyes are on him. Riveted.

“Oh, my God,” he says. “DAG!”

He grins, cocks and loads a finger pistol, lowers it, takes aim, fires off one shot and—bang!—hits me right between the eyes. He laughs.

“Hey, DAG, I have to bring you up and say hi.”

My wife’s mouth opens and closes like a trapdoor.

“Come on up here,” Barack says.

“No, no, Barack, it’s cool, you’re right in the middle of your speech—”

He waves me away. “This speech is nothing. Give DAG a hand, Michelle. Wait. Let’s get Christine first.”

With applause and cheering building at our backs, Barack and Michelle lean down and pull Christine up onto the stage, then guide me as I climb up next to her. I flash the victory sign to the crowd with both hands. Barack beams, shakes his head, and hugs me.

“We did it, man,” he says.

“Yes, we did, Barack. I mean, Mr. President.”

“Don’t be like that now. All formal. You call me Barack. All the time.”

He slaps my chest. I nod. Around us, music comes up, swells. A soaring violin intro to “At Last.” Michelle smiles, sways, taps my wife on the shoulder.

“I’m sorry, Christine. Do you mind if I dance with your husband?”

“Not at all,” Christine says.

“In that case, may I have this dance?” the president says, bowing to Christine, who curtsies.

I sweep Michelle into a simple box step. She’s light on her feet, an accomplished dancer.

“I loved the Chocolate News,” she says. “I always thought you were underrated. The industry takes you for granted.”

“Thank you. That’s very kind. I don’t know if I’m taken for granted. Okay, maybe a little—”

“Well, we’re big fans at our house,” she says. “And of course the girls adore Jumanji. Their favorite scene is when you get crushed to death in that giant pod.”

“That is so nice,” I say. “I think.”

Michelle laughs, then pulls back slightly. “Oh, DAG, before I forget and the night gets too crazy, let’s exchange numbers. The girls are dying to babysit Lulu. They’re very responsible. I made them take a babysitting course and CPR so they’re certified.”

The music hits a crescendo, and then, as if we’ve rehearsed, Barack and I twirl Christine and Michelle at exactly the same time. The crowd goes insane. We bow.

“We got to get over to the MTV Ball,” Barack says to me as he links his hand into Michelle’s. “You got my private number?”

“I think I do,” I say.

“Call me,” Barack says. “Or better, text me. The day gets long, I could use a laugh or just a hey.”

“I will.”

“I’m serious,” Barack says.

“I got you,” I say.

“God bless America!” Barack says, his hand and Michelle’s entwined and clasped over his head, waving to the cheering crowd. He leads Michelle away. Turns. Points at me. Then they go.

I don’t want to push it. Don’t want to impose. I feel it’s only fair to give Barack ample time to settle in.

I call him first thing next morning.

“Hey, what’s up, Barack?”

“Hey, what’s up, DAG?”

“You know. This, that. So what you doing, man?”

“Running the country, man. You know how we do. Passing bills, man, passing bills. Trying to get shit through, man.”

“Yeah. I know they on you, man.”

“Yeah. It’s hardball, man. You know what it’s like.”

“I do.”

“Hey, man, I got to go to a meeting. Let me get you back.”

“Later.”

Ten minutes later Christine and I hail a cab, head out to breakfast. A text comes in. Barack. Sending me a smiley face.

Barack is so cool.

An hour later I get the call I’ve been expecting.

“Hey, what’s up, DAG?”

“Whadup, Barack?”

“I’ve been thinking. You should be in my Cabinet, man.”

“Damn right I should be in your motherfucking Cabinet, man. About time you asked me, man.”

“What you want to be? Secretary of what?”

“Secretary of Mirth.”

Barack laughs. “I like it. I have to create a Cabinet position for you. Secretary of Mirth.”

“My job will be spreading mirth throughout the globe.”

“Invest in the new global hilarity,” Barack says, and now we’re both laughing. “I want to get this done today. I’m on it.”

“Good. I want to get to work,” I say.

“Quick question,” Barack says, still chuckling.

“Shoot.”

“Have you, by any chance, employed any illegal aliens?”

“I’m sure I have,” I say, laughing. “We hired this woman a few years back? She couldn’t speak English. She didn’t have a car. I’m sure she was not correct. I’m positive she had no papers. Illegal as cocaine, dawg.”

“You took care of that, right?”

“Hell, no. Barack, man, everybody I know in L.A. has illegal help. I mean, dude, please.”

The line goes dead.

“Hello? Barack? Don’t hang up on me, man! I was playing! Hello? I’m the Secretary of Mirth! I WANT MY CABINET POSITION! HELLO??? BARACK!!!—”

“David!”

I blink through the mist that has descended over my eyes.

“Huh?”

“Wake up!”

After a minute of furious REM, I’m able to focus on a frightened flight attendant who’s standing next to me, a cocktail napkin fluttering in her hand.

I sit up in my seat, make out Christine next to me.

“Do you want something to drink?” my wife asks softly, deliberately, as if I’m a child of five.

“Do I—want—no, thank you—yes… a… water, no, a juice… a water and a juice.”

I smile at the flight attendant. She smiles back, fake, plastic, the kind of practiced smile she fastens in place when dealing with passengers who are crazy, obnoxious, or on their way to prison handcuffed to the cop next to them.

“Are you all right?” Christine whispers.

“I fell asleep,” I say. “I had this crazy dream.”

“Apparently,” my wife says. “You were screaming that you wanted a Cabinet position.”

I yawn, get my bearings, glance around the plane. Slowly, it all comes back to me. The insanity of that morning. Bundling up Luisa and bringing her to her grandmother’s. Driving all night from San Francisco to Los Angeles. Packing our bags, showering, and changing in less than an hour. Running late for our flight, scrambling out of the cab, dashing into the terminal. Arriving at our gate and seeing that every single person on our flight is heading to the inauguration. More than half of the passengers are decked out in Obama gear— T-shirts, skirts, hats, pins, ribbons, Barack’s face plastered all over, layered in red, white, and blue. People are snapping pictures of each other, even if they’ve just met. Christine and I join in, taking pictures and posing with total strangers who right now feel like family. We are rejoicing, all of us, documenting this momentous occasion, sharing this once-in-a-lifetime event, starting the party early. The plane, this Virgin Airlines direct flight to D.C., feels like a Las Vegas–bound spring break party bus. We are all basking in the excitement, in the anticipation. And, yes, symbolism, we’re flying Virgin Airlines. Perfect. For we are all on the maiden voyage, the first flight, all of us, en route to celebrating our first black president.

© 2009 David Alan Grier

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Sort by: Showing all of 3 Customer Reviews
  • Posted October 8, 2009

    Hilarious

    In "Barack Like Me: The Chocolate-Covered Truth," comedian David Alan Grier takes a comic look at last year's historical election, interspersing it with personal stories from his own life. The book itself is thus half memoir and half political commentary switching between the chapters. Through his own unique and hilarious perspective, Grier recounts the evening he hosted the election party, shares his attitude toward the political mood sweeping the nation, and details his subsequent efforts to secure a ticket to Obama's inauguration. At the same time, Grier recounts growing up in Detroit, the adolescent period during which he was fascinated with drugs and rock concerts, dropping out of college to move to New York, as well as backstage anecdotes from his celebrity life on shows like "In Living Color" and "Dancing with the Stars." Through it all, Grier is not afraid to acknowledge his mistakes and share some behind-the-scenes gossip. Grier's humor tends to stay charmingly self-deprecating as he laughs at his own big ego, anger management issues, and child-like adulation for Barack. The frequent re-appearance of his sarcastic wife Christine also adds to the overall humor. The writing itself is witty and conversational, light and informal. There are constant flashbacks between Grier's past and present, with the stories themselves reminiscent of anecdotes told to friends at a dinner party or shared with viewers during an evening of stand-up comedy. Overall, this book was a quick and entertaining read.

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    Posted May 16, 2011

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    Posted September 14, 2010

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