Be Honest--You're Not That into Him Either: Raise Your Standards and Reach for the Love You Deserve

( 3 )

Overview

Avoid the booty call blues and get the love—and sex­—you deserve!

You’re not that into him, but . . . You slept with him anyway • You’re dating him in the meantime • All your friends are getting married • There are no good men left

Stop lowering your standards and start reaching for love!

The world is full of sensational women, but in today’s market there are too few good men to go around (or so it appears). ...

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Overview

Avoid the booty call blues and get the love—and sex­—you deserve!

You’re not that into him, but . . . You slept with him anyway • You’re dating him in the meantime • All your friends are getting married • There are no good men left

Stop lowering your standards and start reaching for love!

The world is full of sensational women, but in today’s market there are too few good men to go around (or so it appears). In this smash national bestseller, Dr. Ian Kerner, sex therapist, explores the battlefield of sex, hookups, go-nowhere relationships, and the dismal dating treadmill—arming women with a sharper set of insights and the tools for change. With humor and sincerity, Kerner shows women how to break the cycle of dating defeat and use the power of sex to find love—with a great guy who is into you.

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Editorial Reviews

From Barnes & Noble
Perhaps you know the feeling. Your biological clock is ticking; all your best friends are married or on husband hunts; and you're stuck with Mr. Mediocre. In this full-bodied response to Greg Behrendt's He's Just Not Into You, sex expert Dr. Ian Kerner shows women of the Sex and the City generation how to raise their standards without losing their minds. With clever quizzes and blunt best-friend advice, he counsels women to avoid the booty-call blues and the dismal dating treadmill. An engaging relationship wake-up call.
Us Weekly
“Witty and informed.”
People
“Love Sex and the City? Revisit the world of strategic dating with Be Honest—You’re Not That Into Him Either.”
Elle.com
“Be Honest is about figuring out how to best serve your own needs, . . . and still respect yourself.”
Jane Buckingham
“A funny and truly helpful look at what modern women may have forgotten (or just won’t admit) about themselves.
People Magazine
"Love Sex and the City? Revisit the world of strategic dating with Be Honest—You’re Not That Into Him Either."
Amy Sohn
"Ian Kerner is that rare man who truly loves women and wants to help them."
From the foreword by Amy Sohn
“Ian Kerner is that rare man who truly loves women and wants to help them.”
People
“Love Sex and the City? Revisit the world of strategic dating with Be Honest—You’re Not That Into Him Either.”
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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9780060834067
  • Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers
  • Publication date: 4/25/2006
  • Edition description: REPRINT
  • Pages: 192
  • Sales rank: 784,967
  • Product dimensions: 5.34 (w) x 8.16 (h) x 0.50 (d)

Meet the Author

Ian Kerner

Ian Kerner, Ph.D., is a sex therapist and New York Times bestselling author of numerous books. He contributes regularly to Today and lives in New York City with his wife and two young sons.

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Read an Excerpt

Be Honest--You're Not That Into Him Either
Raise Your Standards and Reach for the Love You Deserve

Chapter One

You're Not That Into Him Either,
But You Slept With Him Anyway

"Didn't your mother tell you that sex leads to things like dating?"
-- Frasier Crane to Roz in an episode of Frasier

Sex happens. It's out there, everywhere, and you probably don't have to look that hard to find it. Thanks to the Internet, you can even look for sex (or socks, or both at the same time) from the comfort of your own home. Yes, women today have more sexual freedom than ever before, and a lot of you are taking advantage of this right. You are sensual, confident, openminded, and prepared to go after what you want. And these instincts are not at odds with finding a man who will adore you.

And in the best-case scenario, you may be having all this sex with a guy you really like and who likes you. If so, I hope you're screwing like it's prom night and falling madly in love! But this is not always the situation. Most of you are single or in that chaotic limbo state of existence we call "dating." But still you find yourself horny, or lonely, or in between boyfriends.

So, what are your choices? Well, there's always Nick at Nite or your friendly neighborhood Rabbit but both of those get tiring, and after a while even the idea of a fresh set of Duracells starts to lose its luster. So, you call an ex or you go on a date and you meet a guy and soon enough you're sleeping with someone you know you are not really that into.

Men do this all the time, of course, because, well,they're men. But women can do it as well, and it can be exciting and perhaps even satisfying so long as you're being honest about your motivations and what you're getting (or, more likely, not getting) out of the bargain.

The Horny Girl

"It sounds like a cliché, but I have needs as well. I get
horny and I need to deal with it. And even when I know
it's not the perfect situation, I sleep with guys I know I'm
not into. Is it love? No. But at least it's another body."


-- Karen, 33, advertising, Denver

Karen's situation is quite common. I hear stories like hers all the time in my work. Female desire, from a purely physiological point of view, often outpaces that of males.

Why? Well, as Hugh Hefner knows all too well, the female body is built for sex. A woman is like a sleek, turbocharged Maserati compared to her male Yugo counterpart. And what is the engine that drives this pimped-out ride? The clitoris, which has no purpose other than sexual pleasure. It comes factory-built with twice as many nerve endings as the male penis (about eight thousand in total), an enviable anatomical reality that gives rise to multiple orgasms. (Viva la vulva!)

While guys are at their sexual best at about the time they can begin voting, women peak between their late twenties and early forties (among other proof points, women in their "sexual prime" report an increase in orgasms at these ages). While some of this can be attributed to hormonal changes, one major factor seems to be social conditioning. As women gain experience and self-confidence, they begin to feel more comfortable with themselves and their bodies. This in turn leads them to embrace erotic exploration as they discover their deeper sexual selves.

It's your world, ladies; we men just write books telling you how best to have sex in it.

Booty Call Nation

"I knew Mark from my old job, and while I thought he was
cute, he was just not relationship material. We met for a
drink one night, and one thing led to another. And because I
knew him, it felt sort of secure, and he became a fuck
buddy -- nothing more. Men can do it, so why can't we?"


-- Cathy, 33, music industry executive, Los Angeles

Cathy's point is well taken. Not only does the current culture permit it, casual sex is encouraged these days. But when did the ball drop? While casual sex has been in existence since the beginning of time (remember Adam and Eve? the Roman orgies?), its genesis as an American cultural movement is often linked with the introduction of the birth control pill in the early 1960s, which helped catalyze the movement for sexual liberation. Women began embracing the power of their sexuality, and the feminist movement was as much about the right to proclaim pleasure as it was about equality elsewhere. No more would women accept sexless marriages and Victorian repression. (The vibrator was actually invented as a way of dealing with "female hysteria," which is what the Victorian medical establishment labeled female sexuality back then.)

The swinging sixties gave way to the hedonistic seventies, when Erica Jong introduced the "Me Generation" to the "zipless fuck," and sex without guilt became an accepted form of female behavior. Women, it seemed, were finally on top, getting it on with anonymous strangers on trains and in elevators. And where were modern men during all of this? On the sidelines, gleefully embracing this newfound "empowerment," of course.

Thanks to the seeds sown by the feminist movement, modern women were earning nearly as much as men by the 1990s, giving them unprecedented financial independence. Unburdened of the need to find a male provider, women were delaying marriage and enjoying dating as a form of sexual gratification. Enter Sex and the City, which exemplified a new form of empowerment: a woman's ability to have sex like a man: pleasure for the sake of pleasure.

And, like Carrie and her cronies, a lot of women today find themselves sleeping with guys they were never really that into to begin with. Again, this world of booty calls and onenight stands is a fine state of affairs if you're getting something out of the deal. Just be aware of what that something is. Sex is more than just an accessory in your wardrobe -- a sheer Cosabella thong to be effortlessly slipped off before jumping into bed.

The Lonely Heart/The Breakup Girl/ The In-Betweener

"I guess I was looking for something that would take my
mind off things. I figured sex might help."


-- Marie, 34, dental hygienist, Cleveland

Sometimes it is more than just a pure desire for sex that leads you to sleep with someone you are not that into. Sometimes you're just feeling lonely or in the throes of a recent breakup. Can sex help you get over someone else? Perhaps, though it can also make things worse. Can casual sex be a positive thing while you are waiting around for the love of your life to appear? Sure, as long as the casual sex is not keeping you from finding him or leaving you to confuse the in-betweener for the real thing.

Women sleep with men for a variety of reasons that have little to do with their libido. If you're aware of this, great. Go for it. Just be prepared to deal with the consequences that may arise.But if you're looking to repair your self-esteem or exorcise the ghosts of boyfriends past through casual sex, you're probably setting yourself up for a disappointment.

Giving Men What They Want

"A dating world where I can meet attractive, smart
women who are sexually aware and who will sleep with
me even though they don't really want a relationship?
Let me check. Ya, I think I might be able to deal with that."


-- Adam, 32, lawyer, Birmingham (Michigan)

While the conventional wisdom suggests otherwise, men are insecure and uncertain. Like women, we guys wonder whether you are into us, despite what certain books say. In He's Just Not That into You, the authors allude to the fact that if men can run the world, then they can call you first. Well, we're doing a fine job running things so far in this millennium, aren't we? And who are these men? I'm not quite sure myself. Most men I talk to are too preoccupied trying to understand the differences between Viagra, Levitra, and Cialis to run the world.

Women get nervous but men do too. That time we never called you -- that might actually have been because we were confused -- did you even want us to call you in the first place? Even though we're unsure, the pressure is on men to make the first move or advance the ball. Men are more than content to accept a world where there is sexual equality and where women can take charge -- we just don't know how to handle it quite yet.

The potential downside to a scenario where women are as aggressive as men, and where casual sex is an accepted norm, is that it essentially gives men license to be, well, men. The biggest beneficiary of this female empowerment is the male. This is not to say that women should play by certain "rules" or withhold sex. That does not work, and it's silly gamesmanship. Or is it?

But on the flip side, you have to be aware that you might be contributing to the very situation that you often complain about: men who won't commit. We're not good on subtlety, especially when we're seeing a situation through testosterone-tinted glasses.

This is not to say that all men are incommunicative jerks or that the only thing we want is casual sex. We probably won't turn down a noncommittal roll in the hay, but that doesn't mean we see it as the pinnacle of existence -- there is also baseball and beer, after all. Believe it or not, there are some guys who actually want to delay sex, especially with a woman they could potentially care about. And even when we're in situations that are casual, sometimes we're honest about that. It's not necessarily the case that a guy who says this is all he can handle is "not that into you." It's possible that, in fact, it's all he can handle, and if you both want to handle the same thing, i.e., casual sex (you go, girl!), perhaps it will be good for you too.

Be Honest--You're Not That Into Him Either
Raise Your Standards and Reach for the Love You Deserve
. Copyright © by Ian Kerner. Reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc. All rights reserved. Available now wherever books are sold.
Read More Show Less

First Chapter

Be Honest--You're Not That Into Him Either Chapter One You're Not That Into Him Either,
But You Slept With Him Anyway
"Didn't your mother tell you that sex leads to things like dating?"
-- Frasier Crane to Roz in an episode of Frasier

Sex happens. It's out there, everywhere, and you probably don't have to look that hard to find it. Thanks to the Internet, you can even look for sex (or socks, or both at the same time) from the comfort of your own home. Yes, women today have more sexual freedom than ever before, and a lot of you are taking advantage of this right. You are sensual, confident, openminded, and prepared to go after what you want. And these instincts are not at odds with finding a man who will adore you.

And in the best-case scenario, you may be having all this sex with a guy you really like and who likes you. If so, I hope you're screwing like it's prom night and falling madly in love! But this is not always the situation. Most of you are single or in that chaotic limbo state of existence we call "dating." But still you find yourself horny, or lonely, or in between boyfriends.

So, what are your choices? Well, there's always Nick at Nite or your friendly neighborhood Rabbit but both of those get tiring, and after a while even the idea of a fresh set of Duracells starts to lose its luster. So, you call an ex or you go on a date and you meet a guy and soon enough you're sleeping with someone you know you are not really that into.

Men do this all the time, of course, because, well, they're men. But women can do it as well, and it can be exciting and perhaps even satisfyingso long as you're being honest about your motivations and what you're getting (or, more likely, not getting) out of the bargain.

The Horny Girl

"It sounds like a cliché, but I have needs as well. I get
horny and I need to deal with it. And even when I know
it's not the perfect situation, I sleep with guys I know I'm
not into. Is it love? No. But at least it's another body."


-- Karen, 33, advertising, Denver

Karen's situation is quite common. I hear stories like hers all the time in my work. Female desire, from a purely physiological point of view, often outpaces that of males.

Why? Well, as Hugh Hefner knows all too well, the female body is built for sex. A woman is like a sleek, turbocharged Maserati compared to her male Yugo counterpart. And what is the engine that drives this pimped-out ride? The clitoris, which has no purpose other than sexual pleasure. It comes factory-built with twice as many nerve endings as the male penis (about eight thousand in total), an enviable anatomical reality that gives rise to multiple orgasms. (Viva la vulva!)

While guys are at their sexual best at about the time they can begin voting, women peak between their late twenties and early forties (among other proof points, women in their "sexual prime" report an increase in orgasms at these ages). While some of this can be attributed to hormonal changes, one major factor seems to be social conditioning. As women gain experience and self-confidence, they begin to feel more comfortable with themselves and their bodies. This in turn leads them to embrace erotic exploration as they discover their deeper sexual selves.

It's your world, ladies; we men just write books telling you how best to have sex in it.

Booty Call Nation

"I knew Mark from my old job, and while I thought he was
cute, he was just not relationship material. We met for a
drink one night, and one thing led to another. And because I
knew him, it felt sort of secure, and he became a fuck
buddy -- nothing more. Men can do it, so why can't we?"


-- Cathy, 33, music industry executive, Los Angeles

Cathy's point is well taken. Not only does the current culture permit it, casual sex is encouraged these days. But when did the ball drop? While casual sex has been in existence since the beginning of time (remember Adam and Eve? the Roman orgies?), its genesis as an American cultural movement is often linked with the introduction of the birth control pill in the early 1960s, which helped catalyze the movement for sexual liberation. Women began embracing the power of their sexuality, and the feminist movement was as much about the right to proclaim pleasure as it was about equality elsewhere. No more would women accept sexless marriages and Victorian repression. (The vibrator was actually invented as a way of dealing with "female hysteria," which is what the Victorian medical establishment labeled female sexuality back then.)

The swinging sixties gave way to the hedonistic seventies, when Erica Jong introduced the "Me Generation" to the "zipless fuck," and sex without guilt became an accepted form of female behavior. Women, it seemed, were finally on top, getting it on with anonymous strangers on trains and in elevators. And where were modern men during all of this? On the sidelines, gleefully embracing this newfound "empowerment," of course.

Thanks to the seeds sown by the feminist movement, modern women were earning nearly as much as men by the 1990s, giving them unprecedented financial independence. Unburdened of the need to find a male provider, women were delaying marriage and enjoying dating as a form of sexual gratification. Enter Sex and the City, which exemplified a new form of empowerment: a woman's ability to have sex like a man: pleasure for the sake of pleasure.

And, like Carrie and her cronies, a lot of women today find themselves sleeping with guys they were never really that into to begin with. Again, this world of booty calls and onenight stands is a fine state of affairs if you're getting something out of the deal. Just be aware of what that something is. Sex is more than just an accessory in your wardrobe -- a sheer Cosabella thong to be effortlessly slipped off before jumping into bed.

The Lonely Heart/The Breakup Girl/ The In-Betweener

"I guess I was looking for something that would take my
mind off things. I figured sex might help."


-- Marie, 34, dental hygienist, Cleveland

Sometimes it is more than just a pure desire for sex that leads you to sleep with someone you are not that into. Sometimes you're just feeling lonely or in the throes of a recent breakup. Can sex help you get over someone else? Perhaps, though it can also make things worse. Can casual sex be a positive thing while you are waiting around for the love of your life to appear? Sure, as long as the casual sex is not keeping you from finding him or leaving you to confuse the in-betweener for the real thing.

Women sleep with men for a variety of reasons that have little to do with their libido. If you're aware of this, great. Go for it. Just be prepared to deal with the consequences that may arise.But if you're looking to repair your self-esteem or exorcise the ghosts of boyfriends past through casual sex, you're probably setting yourself up for a disappointment.

Giving Men What They Want

"A dating world where I can meet attractive, smart
women who are sexually aware and who will sleep with
me even though they don't really want a relationship?
Let me check. Ya, I think I might be able to deal with that."


-- Adam, 32, lawyer, Birmingham (Michigan)

While the conventional wisdom suggests otherwise, men are insecure and uncertain. Like women, we guys wonder whether you are into us, despite what certain books say. In He's Just Not That into You, the authors allude to the fact that if men can run the world, then they can call you first. Well, we're doing a fine job running things so far in this millennium, aren't we? And who are these men? I'm not quite sure myself. Most men I talk to are too preoccupied trying to understand the differences between Viagra, Levitra, and Cialis to run the world.

Women get nervous but men do too. That time we never called you -- that might actually have been because we were confused -- did you even want us to call you in the first place? Even though we're unsure, the pressure is on men to make the first move or advance the ball. Men are more than content to accept a world where there is sexual equality and where women can take charge -- we just don't know how to handle it quite yet.

The potential downside to a scenario where women are as aggressive as men, and where casual sex is an accepted norm, is that it essentially gives men license to be, well, men. The biggest beneficiary of this female empowerment is the male. This is not to say that women should play by certain "rules" or withhold sex. That does not work, and it's silly gamesmanship. Or is it?

But on the flip side, you have to be aware that you might be contributing to the very situation that you often complain about: men who won't commit. We're not good on subtlety, especially when we're seeing a situation through testosterone-tinted glasses.

This is not to say that all men are incommunicative jerks or that the only thing we want is casual sex. We probably won't turn down a noncommittal roll in the hay, but that doesn't mean we see it as the pinnacle of existence -- there is also baseball and beer, after all. Believe it or not, there are some guys who actually want to delay sex, especially with a woman they could potentially care about. And even when we're in situations that are casual, sometimes we're honest about that. It's not necessarily the case that a guy who says this is all he can handle is "not that into you." It's possible that, in fact, it's all he can handle, and if you both want to handle the same thing, i.e., casual sex (you go, girl!), perhaps it will be good for you too.

Be Honest--You're Not That Into Him Either. Copyright © by Ian Kerner. Reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc. All rights reserved. Available now wherever books are sold.
Read More Show Less

Customer Reviews

Average Rating 4.5
( 3 )
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Sort by: Showing 1 – 18 of 15 Customer Reviews
  • Anonymous

    Posted May 23, 2009

    A must-Read!

    Very informative, witty, provacative look into the world of dating. With very useful and helpful information and insight. I highly recommend this book.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted February 4, 2005

    Be Honest--You're Not That Into Him Either: Raise Your Standards and Reach for the Love You Deserve

    start thinking about what's happening in yours. I was an early adopter of Kerner's first book, She Comes First, and I had no problem giving it to my boyfriend and getting better satisfaction. That was then, this is now...I'm single and bummed and Kerner's book was just what I needed to hit the spot!

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted February 28, 2013

    Should have been included in my master's degree work

    Excellent & practical advice I wish my Marriage & Family Therapy degree covered.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted May 28, 2006

    Worse than less than helpful

    This book was less than helpful is an understatement. Trying to go off his popular He's not that into you fame, which was only guided because of Oprah and it was featured in Sex and the City (and most of us men and I am a professional reviewer don't think that way). This book takes what a man knows of a woman, which is nothing and tries to make it sound like he's a famed psychologist. Terrible book. Don't waste your time or money.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted July 31, 2006

    amazed at the negative reviews

    I thought this book was extremely worth my time. I could not recommend this book more to all of my friends as a reminder of how we have to stop lowering our standards hoping that one day all the frogs you are dating will turn into a prince. I picked up this book at barnes and noble and couldn't put it down. I'm not that into 'self help' books, but if you are feeling heartbroken or wondering why guys don't return your phone calls then READ THIS BOOK!

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted May 18, 2006

    A good reminder...

    Not as good as some books on dating and romance by far, but what it does do is very simple...it reminds you to value yourself and what you're looking for. It's not telling you anything you don't already know deep down (ala you just weren't into hime either!) but it's a friendly kick in the butt to ask you why you're still hanging around hoping he'll 'get into you' knowing you don't even really want him permanently. I needed that reminder so I appreciated this book and would recommend it.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted November 25, 2005

    An Opportunity without Depth

    I found this book to be less then helpful. After reading 'He's just not that into you', this book had no answers, reasons, nor valuable models of examples to go by. I found the book to be drawn out like a bad movie never getting to the point. There was a lot of mumble jumble in words and subject matter yet no truth or final resolution. In other words a lot of beating around the bush writing in essay format that keep dragging out with no conclusion or final outlook. I feel this book was a bad play on a popular book to get in the game, but not even close to being what it could have been if the author had only taken the time instead of throwing it out to get it sold on the name.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted July 19, 2005

    Excellent Advice!!!

    Finally, a book that empowers me and reminds me that I don't need to settle for less. Ladies, please read this book! We all need to realize how special we are. If a man makes you feel bad about yourself, then get rid of him. No man should ever dictate your happiness, and this book helps you to remember that.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted June 8, 2005

    The Single Girls Bible!

    This was one of the best books I have ever read! I just couldn¿t put it down, in fact I read it three times back to back and still keep it on my night stand table for quick reference and encouragement. Let¿s face it girls, dating and casual relationships can be a lot of fun but, you must know what you¿re doing to be able to navigate through it all to remain healthy and optimistic. Ian really puts it in modern and realistic terms so you can obtain what you deserve.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted May 25, 2005

    He's not into you, you're not into him, so who's into who?

    It's obvious this was a takeoff on the other book which had advice plus humor. This is the advice without the funny. It's all okay, just not spectacular. If you like Self-Help books, it works... but chick lit is more fun.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted April 28, 2005

    I heart this book

    Brilliant! I feel like Dr. Kerner has been secretly following me around my whole life--I recognized so much of myself in this insightful book! Well-written and funny, it's like a best friend staging an intervention to my loser-magnet antics. More than anything, I appreciate this book for inspiring me and giving me new hope. A reformed self-help book junkie, this book was worth falling-off-the-wagon for. Recommended reading for every woman.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted February 16, 2005

    Be Honest--You're Not That Into Him Either: Raise Your Standards and Reach for the Love You Deserve

    It helped me gain perspective and the author's tone was very honest and conversational and unpretentious. The book is very helpful who want to be in ongoing committed relationships and are tired of just hooking up.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted February 10, 2005

    reinforces social and sexual stereotypes

    I don't 'feel pressure' to enjoy sexual pursuits as the author states -- I do so because I am truly liberated. I see the value of a trusting devoted relationship but I am not driven by some deep biological imperative. This is the same old stuff that used to limit women in the past. Sure, if you want a traditional relationship, this will be helpful, but not all women WANT that. I wish someone would actually write a book about how some women TRULY want their freedom. Ugh!

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  • Anonymous

    Posted February 11, 2005

    picking myself up off the floor

    The first book only said one thing: tough luck, he's not into you. It didn't even attempt to offer any practical advice, it just kept saying over and over and over HE'S NOT INTO YOU until I wanted to hide under a rock, i just felt so beaten up. i get it, i get, he's not into me. that's the easy part. the hard part is figuring out why and what to do about it, and while this book only touches on many of the issues, it at least attempts to offer guidance and advice in a practical way. After being punched over and over again in the gut by He's Just Not That Into You, this book helped me get up off the floow.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted December 31, 2009

    No text was provided for this review.

  • Anonymous

    Posted April 20, 2009

    No text was provided for this review.

  • Anonymous

    Posted January 26, 2010

    No text was provided for this review.

  • Anonymous

    Posted January 4, 2010

    No text was provided for this review.

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