- Shopping Bag ( 0 items )
To my left was a long hall that stretched an equal distance in both
directions from where I was standing. In the middle of this hall was a
counter not unlike the drive-through counter at a bank. Dr. Burns led me
silently to this counter and spoke a few words to a woman behind it.
Then he left me.
The woman came out and led me down the left side of the hall to the very
end. I never got a good look at her. I guess I didn't really care at
that point. I was on the verge of collapse from the terror I was holding
inside me with my arms.
At the end of the hall was a door with a rectangular, wire-embedded
window in it. The woman unlocked this door and ushered me in, saying,
"This is your room."
Then she was gone.
I stood silently. My heart thumped against my throat and I was trembling
The room contained a cheap desk and chair set, a locked wardrobe, anda
metal bedframe with the flimsiest mattress I had ever seen. The walls
were thick and bare except for a picture called At Harbor's Edge, which
was bolted to the wall and covered in Plexiglas, and a small rectangular
window right under the ceiling in back. The curtains were a revolting
mix of Halloween colors, and the thin excuse for a carpet was just
I continued to stand numbly just inside this uninviting room until I was
so shaky and light-headed that I couldn't stand anymore. Then I went
timidly to the metal bed and sat down.
I realized that I was shaking not only from emotion, but from the
temperature as well. It was spring outside, and warm, but in that room
it was freezing cold. I certainly hadn't expected that, and as I sat
there in shorts and a short-sleeved shirt, goosebumps spread across my
bare flesh, and my teeth rattled.
After a long debate with myself as to whether I should, I stood on the
bed to study the window above me. All that could be seen out of it was a
building to the left, a building to the right, the roof of a building
below, and a little piece of unreachable blue sky sandwiched in between.
I discovered that I could not open the window because it had not been
built to open. I almost cried, because it had been the only way I could
think of to obtain a little warmth. Also, I saw that the window was made
of thick Plexiglas instead of glass. What kind of a person did they
think I was to put me in a room with a "window" that could not be opened
As I sank back down on the bed, I wished more than anything else in the
world that I had brought something, anything, familiar and comforting
with me. I had been left in that place with nothing but the clothes I
I didn't even have a watch, but I knew it had been at least an hour.
Wasn't anything more going to happen? I could take anything but nothing!
Had I been forgotten?
I got up and peered cautiously out the door, which I had never bothered
to close. Maybe I was not supposed to close the door here, as I was not
supposed to close the door at home.
All there was was that hall. No one, no sign of anyone, not even a
sound. I went back to the bed and sat with my arms wrapped tightly
around my knees. I was baffled. Except for my three-hour escape, I had
been watched continuously for I wasn't sure how long, because I was
supposedly crazy. If this was a place for crazy people, why was no one
Then it occurred to me that perhaps a place like this had more
sophisticated techniques for monitoring "crazy" people than just sitting
around them all the time. Maybe this room was bugged, or had a hidden
camera. Maybe they had even secretly hooked me up to a machine that
could read my mind, like that kid in Flight of the Navigator!
I eyed my surroundings with feverish terror, my heart beating even more
rapidly. Somehow the idea of being monitored by hidden machines was more
humiliating and horrible than having a person sit and stare at me (not
that that was a joy either).
It was at least another hour before I heard voices in the hall, the
first I had heard since the woman had said, "This is your room." I
froze, trying to distinguish what the voices were saying. I wanted to
look out into the hall and see who they belonged to, but I was afraid to
leave the room where I had been put, or even poke my head out again.
Soon the voices were gone, and I sat even more frightened that I had
either been forgotten or was being monitored in a way that would never
allow human contact again.
It was about half an hour before I heard the voices again. And this time
they seemed just a little nearer.
I was straining my ears when all of a sudden a girl appeared in my open
doorway. She was just an average-looking girl in a T-shirt and jeans
with medium-length brown hair. She stopped and looked a little startled
at the sight of me.
I had been perched on the edge of the bed, locked in the same tense
position, for over an hour, shaking in spasms of cold and terror. My
eyes must have been as round and frightened as a wild rabbit's.
And the girl said, "Hi, I'm Sandy. Are you new here?"
Sandy was a bit on the chubby side and rather plain, but
pleasant-looking. I was so desperately relieved to see another human
being that I couldn't think of a response.
"You look real scared," she noted. "Is this your first place? Don't
worry though. This place sucks but you'll get used to it." She paused,
cocked her head to study me, and continued knowingly, "You're kinda
small, and pretty. I used to have long hair like yours."
I still couldn't say anything. My throat was dry and my mind numb with
shock. I just kept staring at her as if I'd never seen a person before.
It didn't seem to bother her that she was having a one-sided
conversation because she just went right along, "Don't be scared, some
staff's you gotta watch out for but most are real nice and they'll take
you outside and stuff ... Oh! Just remember ..."
Sandy stepped closer to me, into the room, and lowered her voice to tell
me a secret,
"Never tell them you wanna kill yourself because you'd get in deep shit
then, let me tell you ..."
I jumped as a male voice shouted down the hall, and then I heard
footsteps coming toward us.
"Why are you in another patient's room and what was that word I just
heard you say? You know the rules! Go to Time Out! Now!"
Sandy muttered and went away. A few seconds later the man was in my
doorway. He barked at me just as angrily as he had at Sandy, "My name is
Biff. I am a staff member. Follow me."
I followed him, silently, nervously, trembling. He had a big pot belly
that hung over his belt and black hair and steel-blue eyes that held no
emotion. He led me down the hall to a room labeled "Dining Room."
Inside there was a cafeteria-like bar and four small tables. I was given
a tray and motioned to sit at one of those tables, all empty at the
time. Biff sat across from me and glared at me.
Of course I could not eat a bite. I simply sat stunned in my chair,
unable to even cry. After a terribly uncomfortable silence, I ventured
to whisper, "I don't like it here." It was the first thing I had said
since I had come to the ward, hours and hours ago. My throat was raw and
my voice sounded strange in the empty, quiet room. I stared up at Biff,
waiting for an explanation or an acknowledgment of some mistake.
And do you know what he said? He looked me straight in the eye and told
me, "Well, you should have been good and you wouldn't be here."
There was nothing I could say to that. I just stared at this person who
had met me all of five minutes ago and could say such a thing. At last
he told me to put my tray away and said something about how "stubborn
little kids don't get away with refusing to eat around here." Then Biff
called to a woman down the hall to get me some "stuff."
The woman led me to a very large closet in the hall and handed me two
sheets and a thin pillow with a pillowcase. She asked if I had anything
with me. I said no, and she handed me a small jar of lotion, Kleenex, a
toothbrush and toothpaste, a comb, and two hospital gowns, explaining
that I could put one on backwards to cover my rear.
I was rather horrified at the prospect of sleeping in hospital gowns,
and I asked why I couldn't sleep in my clothes. The woman gave me a
disgusted look and said that it was against the rules for patients to
sleep in their clothes.
She said it was also against the rules for patients to walk around
barefoot, and she handed me some fuzzy blue socks. I was told to come
back in the morning and get a towel and washcloth and soap for a shower.
Then I went back to the room that had been assigned to me.
I hadn't liked the way that woman said "patients."
Sandy walked by my door and said, "Good night, new girl," and that made
me feel a little better. She seemed quite nice.
I got ready for bed in a tiny room with a toilet and sink situated
between my room and the room next to mine. I folded my clothes so that
no one could see my underwear and put them on the chair. I made up the
metal bed, turned out the lights, and crawled between the sheets.
I lay freezing cold in the dark, on that strange and terribly
uncomfortable bed, and I still could not cry. The light in the hall was
left on all night, and it streamed through the wire-embedded window in
I thought of my bear and my doll sitting at home on my bed where I had
left them. I thought of my bed. It was warm, with flowered sheets and a
quilt and a comforter. As I shivered under those thin, sterile-smelling
hospital nightgowns and one thin, sterile-smelling sheet, I ached for my
familiar and cozy bedclothes and companions.
I then thought of my Opie, my guinea pig. I could not think of a time
when I had not said good night to him. Would anyone feed him? Did he
miss me? Oh, how I missed him! The smell of his pine chips and clean
fur-even his ceaseless chattering and rattling his cage in the
night-seemed ever so dear to me then. I tried to close my eyes and
imagine him in the room with me. But it didn't work. The odor of
cleaning fluid and stuffiness was too strong, and the silence all around
was too loud.
My stomach gurgled for lack of food, and my chest ached for lack of more
important things. My muscles, especially my jaw muscles, were hurting
from being tensed against the day's events and the cold. I pulled my icy
fists against my body. It was little comfort that my family also sat at
home and I was the hell away from them. I wanted something to hold onto,
I thought of what Biff had said: "You should have been good. And you
wouldn't be here."
Then being here has nothing to do with being crazy. It has to do with
Unless, of course, being crazy is bad.
But I am neither one, am I? AM I? What is wrong with me if I am crazy?
What did I do if I am bad?
I grabbed my pillow and began to sob at last, to release only a small
portion of the terror and pain and frustration that was too deep to
purge myself of completely in a lifetime. Tears and mucus soaked my
pillowcase, so I turned the pillow over and soaked the other side.
I was so exhausted that I thought I might be able to sleep for a while.
But then I heard my door opening, and saw a light dancing on the wall in
front of me. I rolled over to see what was happening.
Someone was standing in my doorway in the middle of the night with a
flashlight! The person called stiffly, "Tiffany? You need-to sleep-with
your door-open-so we can check-on you-at night-do you understand,
I blinked at the form in the doorway, not understanding why it would
talk to me that way and wondering how I was supposed to answer. It
didn't care about an answer anyway; it just backed away.
How does this strange person know my name? What other information went
along with it? And how can I get any sleep with the door open and all
this light in the room? At least when I didn't even have a door, it was
dark in the hall.
I rolled over and put my flat pillow over my eyes. I couldn't cry
anymore with the door open, knowing that someone might see or hear me. A
person came with a flashlight every two hours and looked in at me for
some reason, I didn't know what. I did, however, manage a few hours of
troubled sleep that night. I had been so deprived of it that I don't
think anything could have kept me from it.
I was awakened for the final time at seven in the morning by a very fat
woman wearing a white coat and carrying a clipboard. She burst into my
room and flicked all my lights on.
"Good morning, Tiffy. You're going to get up now."
She had the biggest, fakest smile that I had ever seen in my life. I
could not tell whether her eyebrows were completely drawn in or just
plucked really thin. They nearly blended with her hairline.
I was horrified and embarrassed to be facing a fully dressed stranger in
nothing but two hospital gowns, the shape of my naked and shivering body
quite visible beneath. I groped desperately for the sheet as my
sleep-encrusted eyes attempted to regain their vision in the sudden
She was the second person to use my name without asking me what it was
Where do these people get it? I can make a wild guess-they ask my
parents. Just the way one asks the name of a dog from its master because
dogs can't speak for themselves.
The fat woman gave me no time to orient myself before she gathered her
coat in her hands and plopped herself down on the end of my bed. I was
humiliated to think of how messy my hair must be and how I needed to
brush my teeth.
"How are you this morning?" she wanted to know.
I wanted to push this obscene woman away with all my might and shout,
"HOW IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM? HOW IN THE HELL WOULD YOU BE?"
Instead, I offered as civilly as I could through chattering teeth,
"Well, I'm freezing cold."
Excerpted from Becoming Anna
by Anna J. Michener
Copyright © 2003 by University of Chicago.
Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Posted May 22, 2001
'Becoming Anna' is heart-wrenching autobiography of a teen girl who was forced by her abusive parents to live in a mental hospital for most of her teen years. Tiffany, the girl in the book, had an extremely tough childhood. The book began with stories of her family blaming her for all of their problems, like her mom¿s illness. The book told stories of her mother and grandmother beating her with knitting needles and her father just beating her. Early on in the book her family decided that she was 'Crazy' and couldn¿t handle her anymore, so they made up lies about her and told the president of the hospital and Tiffany was shipped off to her first mental hospital. While living in the hospital Tiffany realized that the treatment of patients at the hospital was not that different of the treatment she received at home. The only difference was, at the hospital she had friends. During her time in both hospitals she had numerous boyfriends and other friends, despite the rule that said you could not touch anyone of become to close to them. If that rule was broken it would result in either being put in The Cell, a small room with only a small mattress that you were not allowed to sleep in, or you would just be forced to not talk to that person ever again. By the time I was done with this book I began to realize that most of the people that were living in the hospital were not crazy at all, they had just had tough lives and when there families got sick of them they were shipped of to another institution. This wonderful story tells the triumphant story of one girls ability to live, and over-come obstacles and still come out on top. The book also gives us a look at the way that some mental hospitals in America still treat their patients so poorly. While reading this book much of it reminded me of the book 'Girl Interrupted' With only slight differences, like the fact that the girl in 'Girl Interrupted' actually did need help. This book is truly a great piece of work. It makes you happy about what you have. It has an ending that will surprise you but then make your day and put a smile on your face.
1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.
Posted December 31, 2004
I was in the sames shoes as the writer was. I understand. Until I read this book I had forgotten about everything and never dealt with what had happened to me. Now thanks to the writer I am dealing with this and I am not alone.Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.
Posted December 16, 2004
I went into this with high hopes, but after 80 pages I'd had enough. I appreciate the suffering Anna endured. I felt badly for her. However, this book seemed to be an entire book with which 'Anna' took license to complain & whine about her life. That's all. I didn't feel drawn in; I didn't seem to connect with Anna. I felt only her complaints & slight, lasting anger over years of abuse. I truly hope she has been able to recover. I was not able to finish this book. I just did not like it.Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.
Posted July 16, 2004
I had to read a story for a class for summer quarter, I could not decide between this and One Child so I purchased both. Becoming Anna was a good book, and it's nice to have something from the child's point of view, but it just didn't grab me. It reads in no time but just seemed a little jumbled in thought.Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.
Posted March 15, 2004
I really enjoyed this book. I love that it is written from the standpoint of a young girl who is dealing with the trauma, rather than a woman who has put her past behind her. I know that Anna will never forget what she went through, but there is something fresh about this book and it's timing. I felt like I was there with her throughout everything. I admire Anna for sharing her experience with the world, especially at such a young age. I think she did a wonderful job walking us through the events, yet still allowing us to make up our own minds about the people around her. I could never imagine being treated the way that Anna was. I hope that others read this book because once they do, the answers to questions such as 'Is this child being abused?' and 'Should I try to interfere?' should be incredibly clear. No one deserves to go through such a terrible ordeal. Hopefully Anna's book will help other children so that they will not have to endure such pain.Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.
Posted August 20, 2003
It has come to my attention that a truly loved member of Anna's experience has departed from an overdose of drugs. Perhaps I am being remainesant of how much a soul is capable and patient enough to teach another, because throughout my life I have had many teachers and none have compared to those few months with the author of this book. The affluence does not stand alone in writing technique, voice, logic, or social critism alone, but there is an honesty and sencerity that tends to transcend biases that are very deeply based. The perspective is solid enough to break barriers of bias and neglected presumptions about human behaviour that the reader will find humbling from the fact that such a subtle level of hatred, within themselves, had not been tapped before. This book does not belittle one's self as much as it educates the reader to falicies that were previously undiscovered. All in all, this book is a rare experience, and the author, wherever she may be, has a purpose that may remain undiscovered to a regretably ignorant future. This is a book that is too easy to ignore, but impossible to forget. peaceWas this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.
Posted September 4, 2001
This was one of the best books I have ever read, and I read three or four books a week, so that's saying something. Anna is my hero! She was subjected to staggering mental cruelty in the guise of 'psychological help' that went on for years and was started simply because her grandmother proclaimed her to be 'evil.' Her mother locked her up, believing her grandmother's pronouncement, and the psychiatrists hired by Anna's misguided parents simply were willing to place ANY label of sickness on her that they could come up with - for money! My hat's off to Anna for having come through such horrific experiences with flying colors and for having the wonderful chutzpah to tell the tale! I wish Anna the very, very best that life has to offer and hope she's going to wind up with as much good in her own life as she's tried to create in others' by writing her book and blowing the whistle on the psychiatrists who were her tormentors.Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.
Posted June 14, 2001
Never in my life have I read such a powerful, moving, gut-wrenching and all too authentic book. This book has the power to change your life, to change soo many people's lives if only the people high up on the board of directors at these state hospitals would listen for half a second. Words cannot describe how much this book moved me. I've read other accounts of abuse before. _A Child Called It_ and _Sybil_, namely. They didn't even come close to having the incredible emotional impact on me that this book had. I cried, I sobbed, I became thoughtful, I re-evaluated my life, I made a vow that some day I was going to make a difference to people like Anna who are trapped by the merciless and brutal society we have constructed around ourselves. Anna is the unfortunate victim of three God-awful adults who don't deserve to breathe for the abuse they inflicted on her. Her parents and her grandparents claim incessantly from the time she is a small girl that she is crazy and that there is something wrong with her. The grandmother stabs her with her knitting needles. Her parents and grandmother turn her brother against her and get him to torment her as well. She is not allowed to have any friends. This makes her a social outcast in school and toment ensues there as well as on the home front. Her mother commits her to a mental insitution - twice - on the basis of pure lies. It makes me so angry to see all these adults that believed the mother's lies and treated Anna with less respect than a guinea pig (who was, by the way, Anna's only friend in the world). The horrors that were dealt her and others at the state hospital are barbaric and extremely difficult to read about. However, we MUST read about it, we must listen, we must take action, for if it is that hard to read about, imagine how challenging it must be to actually live?? They say that people go to the hospital to be rehibilitated. What a joke that is! None of the staff people gave a damn about her or anyone else there! Kids would try to kill themselves and the staff would only send them into isolation for punishment! The last thing a suicidal person needs is more isolation. The staff forbade the kids from touching and giving support to each other, from getting regular excercise and healthy food, from talking problems out, from doing anything that so called 'normal' people took for granted every day of their lives! These places should be denied funding; their 'patients' leave the places worst than they came in, having been denied mere human dignity. Anna Michener has remarkable insight to her situation and the world around her. At times, I would stop reading and think 'Wow, that makes so much sense, what she just said; why can't the whole world just believe that?' Ms. Michener comments at one point (not exact quote) that 'Any person born to or given over to care of someone with the knowledge and the willingness to raise them properly is _lucky_.' For the first time in my life, I realized that that was true, realized that I really and truly am *lucky* to have parents, to have anybody in fact, who gives a damn about me! My parents may not be perfect, but when I stacked them up against Anna's, well, my true fortune shone through. __Read this book with an open mind.___ The worse thing anyone can do is refuse to believe what is so plainly in front of their nose. I urge everyone to read this book. It will be worth your while. It will open your eyes up to a whole other world that you had not been aware existed, and it will bring out emotions in you that you never thought you had. Anna Michener, I applaud you for your incredible bravery and and strength in surviving all that you did. Thank you for this book. I will never forget it, I promise you that. If anyone wants to discuss this book or related topics with me, feel free to drop me a line at Reishi9154@aol.com Yours in all sincerity, KateWas this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.
Posted October 14, 2010
No text was provided for this review.
Posted April 24, 2009
No text was provided for this review.
Posted December 26, 2010
No text was provided for this review.