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Before I Wake [NOOK Book]


A mother risks everything to uncover the truth behind her daughter's botched suicide attempt

To the outside world, Susan Jackson has it all-a loving family, successful husband, and beautiful home-but when Charlotte, her teenage daughter, steps in front of a bus and ends up in a coma, she is forced to question all of it.

Desperate to find out what caused Charlotte's suicide attempt, she discovers a horrifying entry in her diary: "keeping ...

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Before I Wake

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A mother risks everything to uncover the truth behind her daughter's botched suicide attempt

To the outside world, Susan Jackson has it all-a loving family, successful husband, and beautiful home-but when Charlotte, her teenage daughter, steps in front of a bus and ends up in a coma, she is forced to question all of it.

Desperate to find out what caused Charlotte's suicide attempt, she discovers a horrifying entry in her diary: "keeping this secret is killing me." As Sue spins in desperate circles, she finds herself immersed in a dark world she didn't know existed-and the closer she comes to the truth, the more dangerous things become.

Can she wake up from the nightmares that haunt her and save her daughter, or will Charlotte's secret destroy them both?

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Editorial Reviews

Library Journal
Suzy is obsessed with finding out the reason her daughter Charlotte, now lying in a coma, stepped in front of a bus. Certain that it was not an accident, she tracks down the secret that Charlotte was hiding, finding clues in her diary, phone, and computer. But are they hints or just coincidences? The reader soon finds out that Suzy suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder and has had "episodes." Her harrowing past is revealed in flashbacks at the end of every chapter, taking the reader to a time in her early twenties when she was trapped in an abusive relationship with a sometimes charming but mainly controlling, explosively angry lover who eventually locked her in his house and wouldn't let her out. These scenes are dramatic and read quickly—and give the reader doubts about Suzy's fragile psyche. The present-day scenes are not as intense, yet first-time author Taylor keeps the plot moving and knows how to layer on tension and bring it to a climax. VERDICT This psychological suspense is for those who read for plot and do not mind seedier elements.—Sonia Reppe, Stickney-Forest View P.L., IL
Publishers Weekly
At the outset of British author Taylor’s gripping first novel, 15-year-old Charlotte Jackson has been lying in a coma in a hospital after being hit by a London bus in an apparent suicide attempt six weeks earlier. Charlotte’s 43-year-old mother, Sue, looks for clues in her daughter’s secret diary to the girl’s rash actions. Charlotte’s father, Brian, is sure that the bus driver’s claim that she deliberately stepped in front of the bus is a lie. When the suspicious Sue catches her husband lying—about his whereabouts on a morning when he should have been at his office, for instance—he questions her sanity. Sue soon realizes that she can trust no one. Flashbacks from two decades earlier chart the course of her abusive relationship with ex-boyfriend James—whose reappearance in the present ratchets up the suspense. This psychological thriller will resonate long after the final page. (June)
From the Publisher
"Stunning revelations from the past alternate with present-day chapters from the point of view of a woman named Susan. Although the years in the early '90s start as a blissful dream, they soon turn into a nightmare. Taylor has suspense down to a fine art." - RT Book Reviews

"An ominous atmosphere, a tense tale of past and present colliding, and a narrator whom no one believes: this book is a delight." - Alex Marwood, author of The Wicked Girls

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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9781402294198
  • Publisher: Sourcebooks, Incorporated
  • Publication date: 6/10/2014
  • Sold by: Barnes & Noble
  • Format: eBook
  • Pages: 336
  • Sales rank: 14,118
  • File size: 819 KB

Read an Excerpt

Chapter One

April 22, 2012

Coma. There's something innocuous about the word, soothing almost in the way it conjures up the image of a dreamless sleep. Only Charlotte doesn't look to me as though she's sleeping. There's no soft heaviness to her closed eyelids. No curled fist pressed up against her temple. No warm breath escaping from her slightly parted lips. There is nothing peaceful at all about the way her body lies, prostrate, on the duvetless bed, a tracheostomy tube snaking its way out of her neck, her chest polka-dotted with multicolored electrodes.

The heart monitor in the corner of the room bleep-bleep-bleeps, marking the passage of time like a medical metronome, and I close my eyes. If I concentrate hard enough, I can transform the unnatural chirping into the reassuring tick-tick-tick of the grandfather clock in our living room. Fifteen years fall away in an instant, and I am twenty-eight again, cradling baby Charlotte to my shoulder, her slumbering face pressed into the nook of my neck, her tiny heart outbeating mine, even in sleep. Back then, it was so much easier to keep her safe.

"Sue?" There is a hand on my shoulder, heavy, dragging me back into the stark hospital room, and my arms are empty again, save the handbag I clutch to my chest. "Would you like a cup of tea?"

I shake my head, then instantly change my mind. "Actually, yes." I open my eyes. "Do you know what else would be nice?"

Brian shakes his head.

"One of those lovely tea cakes from M&S."

My husband looks confused. "I don't think they sell them in the canteen."

"Oh." I look away, feigning disappointment, and instantly hate myself. It isn't in my nature to be manipulative. At least I don't think it is. There's a lot I don't know anymore.

"It's okay." There's that hand again. This time it adds a reassuring squeeze to its repertoire. "I can pop into town." He smiles at Charlotte. "You don't mind if I leave you alone with your mum for a bit?"

If our daughter heard the question, she doesn't let on. I reply for her by forcing a smile.

"She'll be fine," I say.

Brian looks from me to Charlotte and back again. There's no mistaking the look on his face-it's the same wretched expression I've worn for the last six weeks whenever I've left Charlotte's side. Terror she might die the second we leave the room.

"She'll be fine," I repeat, more gently this time. "I'll be here."

Brian's rigid posture relaxes, ever so slightly, and he nods. "Back soon."

I watch as he crosses the room, gently shutting the door with a click as he leaves, then release my handbag from my chest and rest it on my lap. I keep my eyes fixed on the door for what seems like an eternity. Brian has never been able to leave the house without rushing back in seconds later to retrieve his keys, his phone, or his sunglasses or to ask a "quick question." When I am sure he has gone, I turn back to Charlotte. I half expect to see her eyelids flutter or her fingers twitch, some sign that she realizes what I am about to say, but nothing has changed. She is still "asleep." The doctors have no idea when, or even if, Charlotte will ever wake up. She's been subjected to a whole battery of tests-CAT scans, MRIs, the works-with more to come, and her brain function appears normal. There's no medical reason why she shouldn't come around.

"Darling." I take Charlotte's diary out of my handbag, fumble it open, and turn to the page I've already memorized. "Please don't be angry with me but..." I glance at my daughter to monitor her expression. "I found your diary when I was tidying your room yesterday."

Nothing. Not a sound, not a flicker, not a tic or a twinge. And the heart monitor continues its relentless bleep-bleep-bleeping. It is a lie of course, the confession about finding her diary. I found it years ago when I was changing her sheets. She'd hidden it under her mattress, exactly where I'd hidden my own teenaged journal so many years before. I didn't read it though, back then; I had no reason to. Yesterday I did.

"In the last entry," I say, pausing to lick my lips, my mouth suddenly dry, "you mention a secret."

Charlotte says nothing.

"You said keeping it was killing you."


"Is that why..."


" stepped in front of the bus?"

Still nothing.

Brian calls what happened an accident and has invented several theories to support this belief: she saw a friend on the other side of the street and didn't look both ways as she ran across the road, she tried to help an injured animal, she stumbled and tripped when she was texting, or maybe she was just in her own little world and didn't look where she was walking.

Plausible, all of them. Apart from the fact the bus driver told the police she caught his eye and then deliberately stepped into the road, straight into his path. Brian thinks he's lying, covering his own back because he'll lose his job if he gets convicted of dangerous driving. I don't.

Yesterday, when Brian was at work and I was on bed watch, I asked the doctor if she had carried out a pregnancy test on Charlotte. She looked at me suspiciously and asked why, did I have any reason to think she might be? I replied that I didn't know but I thought it might explain a thing or two. I waited as she checked the notes. No, she said, she wasn't.

"Charlotte." I shuffle my chair forward so it's pressed up against the bed and wrap my fingers around my daughter's. "Nothing you say or do could ever stop me from loving you. You can tell me anything. Anything at all."

Charlotte says nothing.

"It doesn't matter if it's about you, one of your friends, me, or your dad." I pause. "Is the secret something to do with your dad? Squeeze my fingers if it is."

I hold my breath, praying she doesn't.

Friday, September 7, 1990

It's 5:41 a.m. and I'm sitting in the living room, a glass of red wine in one hand, a cigarette in the other, wondering if the last eight hours of my life really happened.

I finally rang James on Wednesday evening, after an hour's worth of abortive attempts and several glasses of wine. The phone rang and rang, and I started to think that maybe he was out when it suddenly stopped.


I could barely say hello back, I was so nervous but then...

"Susan, is that you? Gosh. You actually called."

His voice sounded different, thinner, breathy, like he was nervous too, and I joked that he sounded relieved to hear from me.

"Of course," he replied. "I thought there was no way you'd call after what I did. Sorry, I'm not normally such a twat, but I was so pleased to run into you alone backstage that I... Anyway, sorry. It was a stupid thing to do. I should have just asked you out like a normal person..."

He tailed off, embarrassed.

"Actually," I said, feeling a sudden rush of affection toward him, "I thought it was funny. No one's ever thrown a business card at me and shouted ‘call me' before. I was almost flattered."

"Flattered? I'm the one who should be flattered. You called! Oh god," he paused, "you are calling to arrange a drink, aren't you? You're not ringing to tell me I'm an absolute jerk?"

"I did consider that option," I laughed, "but no, I happen to be unusually thirsty today, so if you'd like to take me out for a drink, that could be arranged."

"God, of course. Whenever and wherever you want to go. All drinks on me, even the expensive ones." He laughed. "I want to prove to you that I'm not...well, I'll let you make your own mind up. When are you free?"

I was tempted to say NOW but played it cool instead, as Hels had ordered me to do, and suggested Friday (tonight). James immediately agreed, and we arranged to meet in the Dublin Castle.

I tried on dozens of different outfits before I went out, immediately discarding anything that made me look, or feel, fat and frumpy, but I needn't have worried. The second I was within grabbing distance, James pulled me against him and whispered, "You look beautiful," in my ear. I was just about to reply when he abruptly released me, grabbed my hand, and said, "I've got something amazing to show you," and led me out of the pub, through the throng of Camden revelers, down a side street, and into a kebab shop. I gave him a questioning look, but he said, "Trust me," and shepherded me through the shop and out a door at the back. I expected to end up in the kitchen or the toilets. Instead I stumbled into a cacophony of sound and blinked as my eyes adjusted to the smoky darkness. James pointed out a four-piece jazz band in the corner of the room and shouted, "They're the Grey Notes-London's best kept secret," then led me to a table in the corner and held out a battered wooden chair for me to sit down.

"Whiskey," he said. "I can't listen to jazz without it. You want one?"

I nodded, even though I'm not a fan, then lit up a cigarette as James made his way to the bar. There was something so self-assured and masculine about the way he moved, it was almost hypnotic. I'd noticed it the first time I'd seen him on stage.

James couldn't be more different from my ex Nathan. While Nathan was slight, baby-faced, and only a couple of inches taller than me, James was six-foot-four with a solidity to him that made me feel small and delicate. He had a cleft in his chin like Kirk Douglas, but his nose was too large to make him classically good-looking. His dirty blond hair continually flopped into his eyes, but there was something mercurial about them that reminded me of Ralph Fiennes; one minute they were cool and detached, the next they were crinkled at the corners, dancing with excitement.

I knew something was wrong the second James returned from the bar. He didn't say anything, but as he set the whiskey tumblers down on the table, his eyes flicked toward the cigarette in my hand and I instantly understood.

"You don't smoke."

He shook his head. "My father died of lung cancer."

He tried to object, to tell me that whether I smoked or not was none of his business, but his frown evaporated the second I put my cigarette out, and the atmosphere immediately lightened. The band was so loud it was hard to hear each other over the squeal of the trumpet and the scatting of the lead singer, so James moved his chair closer to mine so we could whisper into each other's ears. Whenever he leaned in, his leg rested against mine, and I'd feel his breath against my ear and neck. It was torturous, feeling his body against mine and smelling the warm spiciness of his aftershave and not touching him. When I didn't think I could bear it a second longer, James cupped his hand over mine.

"Let's go somewhere else. I know the most magical place."

I barely had a chance to say "okay" when he bounced out of his seat and crossed the room to the bar. A second later, he was back, a bottle of champagne in one hand and two glasses and a threadbare rug in the other. I raised an eyebrow, but he just laughed and said, "You'll see."

We walked for what felt like forever, weaving our way through the Camden crowds until we passed Chalk Farm. I kept asking where we were going, but James, striding alongside me, only laughed in reply. Finally we stopped walking at an entrance to a park, and he laid a hand on my shoulder. I thought he was going to kiss me. Instead he told me to shut my eyes because he had a surprise for me.

I wasn't sure what could be quite so astonishing in a dark park at silly o'clock in the morning, but I closed my eyes anyway. Then I felt something heavy and woolen being draped over my shoulders, and warm spiciness enveloped me. James had noticed I was shivering and lent me his coat. I let him lead me through the entrance and up the hill. It was scary, putting my trust in someone I barely knew, but it was exhilarating too and strangely sensual. When we finally stopped walking, he told me to stand still and wait. A couple of seconds later, I felt the softness of the worn cotton rug under my fingers as he helped me to sit down.

"Ready?" I felt him move so he was crouched behind me, then his fingers touched my face, lightly brushing my cheekbones as they moved to cover my eyes. A tingle ran down my spine and I shivered, despite the coat.

"I'm ready," I said.

James removed his fingers and I opened my eyes. "Isn't it beautiful?"

I could only nod. At the base of the hill, the park was a checkerboard of black squares of unlit grass and illuminated pools of yellow-green light cast by glowing street lamps. It was like a magical patchwork of light and dark. Beyond the park stretched the city, windows twinkling and buildings sparkling. The sky above was the darkest navy, shot with dirty orange clouds. It was the most breathtaking vista I'd ever seen.

"Your reaction when you opened your eyes..." James was staring at me. "I've never seen anything so beautiful."

"Stop it!" I tried to laugh but it caught in my throat.

"You looked so young, Suzy, so enchanted-like a child on Christmas day." He shook his head. "How is someone like you single? How is that even possible?"

I opened my mouth to reply, but he wasn't finished.

"You're the most amazing woman I've ever met." He reached for my hand. "You're funny, kind, intelligent, and beautiful. What on earth are you doing here with me?"

I wanted to make a joke, to ask if he was so drunk he didn't remember leading me up the hill, but I found I couldn't.

"I wanted to be here," I said. "And I wouldn't want to be anywhere else."

James's face lit up as though I'd just given him the most wonderful compliment, and he cupped my face with his hands. He looked at me for the longest time and then he kissed me.

I'm not sure how long we kissed for, lying there on a rug on the top of Primrose Hill, our bodies entwined, our hands everywhere, grasping, pulling, clutching. We didn't remove our clothes and we didn't have sex, yet it was still the single most erotic moment of my life. I couldn't let go of James for more than a second without pulling him toward me again.

It grew darker and colder, and I suggested we leave the park and go back to his flat.

James shook his head. "Let me put you in a taxi home instead."


He pulled his coat tighter around my shoulders. "There's time for that, Suzy. Plenty of time."

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Customer Reviews

Average Rating 4.5
( 8 )
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Sort by: Showing all of 8 Customer Reviews
  • Posted June 17, 2014

    Before I Wake is a book that I could not put down.  I started it

    Before I Wake is a book that I could not put down.  I started it in the afternoon, stayed up late; reading until my eyes would not stay open, then took it to work with me the next days in hopes of a few quiet moments that I could keep reading.  Now that I have finished it, it is still on my mind and I am not quite ready to let it go.

    I related best with Charlotte’s mother, Susan.   She could tell that something had caused her daughter to end up in the coma other than the accident that everyone else believed.    Susan went against her own beliefs and her husband to find out the truth of what had caused Charlotte to step in front of that bus.  She knew her daughter better than anyone else and knew that she had to protect her and make her want to return to her family.  I absolutely love that she held her ground.

    Many times I thought I had an idea what had happen to Charlotte, some of it I was close to, some of it I was so far off.  I felt like I was on a ride a lot of the time.  The thrills and twists and turns kept me so entertained, yet afraid to turn the page and learn the truth of the story.  I knew once the truth was shared that the story would be coming to an end and I am not ready for Charlotte’s story to close.  This would be a great book club read and I recommend it.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted August 24, 2014


    Must read.

    0 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted July 11, 2014

    Good Book

    This was a great read, in fact I read it in one day. It keeps you guessing on what happened to Charlotte, about Susan's state of mind, what will happen next, etc. Realistic characters, well written and a definite page-turner!

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  • Posted June 19, 2014

    more from this reviewer

    Before I wake was an exciting and emotional psychological thrill

    Before I wake was an exciting and emotional psychological thriller. I flew through this book in one night. Susan's story is a rollercoaster ride for herself and the reader. The book is told in first person narration by Susan, but also alongside diary entries from when she was younger. I felt that this writing technique worked extremely well in Before I Wake. One reason is becuase it gives the reader a much deeper understanding of Susan, and what happened in her past that made her who she is in the present. The second reason is that both the present story thread and the past diary entries work together in such a brilliant way. The best way I can describe this is to say that each thread informs the other, and the reader learns what is needed from the past to better understand the present. All in all, I LOVED that the author chose to tell Susan's story in this way. I felt as if I TRULY got to know her and also take her past and present journeys along with her.
    Susan is far from perfect. She did things at times that made me want to shake her and say "Are you kidding me?" or "Open your eyes!", but these are also the things that made her seem so real and wholly human. No one is perfect, and everyone makes mistakes. The best part was that C.L. Taylor turned a character who might have been very unrelatable, into a woman dealing with life on life's terms and doing her best to fix the mistakes of her past while dealing with the present. 
    Though this is an adult book(there are some very mature themes involved), I also feel that this would make a great read for an older young adult. There is much to learn from Susan's story, and if my daughter were sixteen or so, I would recommend that she read this book. I also feel that this would make an awesome book club read, as there are many points that would make for great debate/discussion.
    I truly enjoyed Before I Wake. It is thrilling, fast-paced, emotional, and has a unique writing style. I really feel that everyone wil get something out of this book!

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  • Anonymous

    Posted June 18, 2014

    Loved it!

    Kept me entertained and on the edge of my seat the whole time! Great read!

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  • Posted June 14, 2014

    more from this reviewer

    Before I Wake is C. L. Taylor's debut novel. And I have to tell

    Before I Wake is C. L. Taylor's debut novel. And I have to tell you - it's really good.

    Present day. Susan sits by a hospital bed, hoping her comatose daughter will wake up. It was a dreadful accident, Charlotte stepping out in front of the bus like that. Or so Susan thought until she found Charlotte's diary - and the cryptic line - "This secret is killing me."

    Taylor then cuts the narrative to the past and we are privy to Susan's diary, before she married and had Charlotte. The journal is troubling and worrisome, giving the reader a good idea of where Susan's life might be headed. We want to shake Susan out of her fantasy world but we can only keep reading as things deteriorate.

    And just at a pivotal moment, Taylor switches back to the present. Susan needs to know the secret her daughter was keeping. Maybe, just maybe, by discovering the truth, she can help Charlotte wake up. But her attempts to ferret out the truth have her lying to her husband, badgering Charlotte's friends and more. She begins to dig up small tidbits of information, but no one believes her. In fact, they all think she's having an 'episode'. After all, it wouldn't be the first time would it?

    Present day Susan is an unreliable narrator We just never really know if she is telling the truth or telling the truth as she imagines it to be. But her earlier diary is quite the opposite. And is in fact, quite frightening in the scenario that Taylor portrays.

    Taylor's characters are all quite well drawn and definitely evoke reactions from the reader. Although the main plot idea has been done before, Taylor adds enough spin to make it her own. I quite enjoyed the past and present timeline and the cliffhanging chapter endings. The suspense starts in the first few pages and doesn't let up until the very end. (Although, it did keep me reading long past the time I should have shut off the light.)

    Before I Wake was an excellent psychological suspense read. Taylor herself has a degree in psychology and that knowledge is used very effectively at building her story, in both timelines.

    A recommended read and I'll be watching for Taylor's second book.

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  • Posted June 11, 2014

    Before I Wake was such a thrilling book! I read it in one sitti

    Before I Wake was such a thrilling book! I read it in one sitting and would not have had it any other way. Taylor has created a psychological thriller with a twist in this contemporary story.

    The story is told in present tense, with Susan as a mother to a fifteen year old daughter, Charlotte, and flashbacks to Susan's early twenties, when she was in a consuming and tumultuous relationship with James. The changing of tense made Before I Wake even more exciting to read, and kept the pace of the book moving quickly. I loved that!

    Taylor weaves the past and present together in such a surprising and scary way. For much of the book, I thought Susan was slowly going insane due to the circumstances surrounding Charlotte's accident. But, then, things changed and I realized Susan and her entire family were in danger. It made for a page-turning read, and while reading, I found myself actually holding my breath in anticipation at times.

    At its heart, Before I Wake is a story of a mother trying to save her daughter. It's about the lengths a mother will go to for her child, and how deep the love is between mother and child. Susan was so tenacious and I found that inspiring. I don't want to say much more, for fear of giving the plot away, but I will say that the ending surprised me (in a good way).

    I highly recommend Before I Wake. It's a powerful read, so well-written, and not to be missed.

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  • Posted June 8, 2014

    more from this reviewer

    Before I Wake by C.L. Taylor is one of those books where readers

    Before I Wake by C.L. Taylor is one of those books where readers will embark on an emotional roller coaster ride. The story flips from main character, Susan Jackson’s, past to present day. The main objective is to figure out why her daughter, Charlotte, jumped in front of a bus.

    As a devoted and loving mother, Susan does whatever it takes to unravel the mystery of her daughter’s incident, even if it means re-visiting a past that she ran away from a long time ago.

    There were many elements in Before I Wake by C.L. Taylor that I enjoyed. I love when books go back into the past to give readers that background needed for the book. In this case, it was going by using a diary that was kept by the main character.

    The story was written in such a way that the reader (aka me!) was doubting their own judgment. I, for one, honestly thought that Susan was going out of her mind and was witnessing her downward spiral.

    I struggled with some of the things I was reading in the book, but only because I have never personally lived through anything that Susan lived through. I couldn’t understand why she just wouldn’t leave her douchy, abusive boyfriend. I couldn’t understand why she kept forgiving him when all his actions and words were so obviously a warning!

    As a mother, I can completely understand her hardheaded ways when trying to get the information that she needs to try and figure out the mystery behind her daughter’s accident. But would I be ballsy enough to do what she did? Like go to a club and be embarrassed by the very people who hold the answers?

    The writing was pretty solid, and the characters were believable. I will admit that the author does a fantastic job of convincing readers of just how crazy and manipulative James is. The more the story goes on, a little more of his mask is revealed and in the end, you are 100% in hate with this character.

    I would recommend Before I Wake by C.L. Taylor to fans of psychological thrillers. Although a little predictable, readers will appreciate the intense relationships in the story, and the undeniable love of a mother for her daughter.

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