Before It's Too Late: A Parent's Guide on Teens, Sex, and Sanity

by Sheila Overton MD, Treacy Colbert

Overview

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Note: Revised edition was published on March 8, 2016.

Dr. Overton, an OB/GYN physician, offers a fresh perspective and medical expertise in this thoughtful, comprehensive guide. Before It's Too Late educates parents about key teen sexual health issues and empowers them to guide their children to values-based, smart, and healthy decisions about sex.

""Dr. Overton has created this must-have resource for parents. A comprehensive, medically accurate guide that any parent, no matter the age of your child, can benefit from"".
Patricia Paluzzi, DrPH, CNM, President and CEO Healthy Teen Network "

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781450253666
Publisher:	iUniverse, Incorporated
Publication date:	10/27/2010
Pages:	220
Product dimensions:	6.00(w) x 9.00(h) x 0.46(d)

Read an Excerpt

BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE

What Parents Need to Know About Teen Pregnancy and STD Prevention

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By SHEILA OVERTON Treacy Colbert

iUniverse, Inc.

Copyright © 2010 Sheila Overton, MD
All right reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4502-5366-6

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Chapter One

Protecting Your Teen: Sharpening Skills for a New Phase

There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One of these is roots, the other, wings. —Hodding Carter

I wrote Before It's Too Late: What Parents Need to Know About Teen Pregnancy and STD Prevention to help you, as parents, protect your teens from pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) and to help you guide them toward healthy, responsible, and values-based decisions about sex. My deep passion about stemming the tide of teen pregnancy and the epidemic of STDs among teens is at the core of this book.

Serving as chairperson of the Teen Pregnancy Prevention Program at a large metropolitan hospital for over 10 years allowed me to better understand the level of concern and anxiety so many parents have about teen sex, pregnancy, and STDs. I listened as they shared their desires for more programs that bring parents and teens together to discuss the challenges parents face in guiding their children about sex. I witnessed the empowerment they experienced right before my eyes after participating in exercises designed to improve their parenting skills in this area.

I was recently reminded of the yearning parents have for accurate and practical advice on this subject, and of their frequent despair about not feeling up to the task when I read an article about a male TV star in a popular women's magazine. As I read his article, "My Family Life," I was struck by a portion of his response to a tricky question from one of his kids: "The other day [my daughter] asked me about the birds and the bees—indirectly. I felt like I was drowning. What a dope!"

Sound familiar?

Later that evening, I watched a vibrant, veteran female talk show host interviewing pregnant teens. This host, so skilled at communicating with others, confessed that she had never really talked to her own daughter about sex during her teen years. This highly skilled professional, despite all her training and experience, was just like so many parents—she may have found that aspect of parenting easier to ignore or replace with wishful thinking.

Talking to tweens and teens about sex—it can bring otherwise confident, assertive, successful, and powerful people to their knees. I've witnessed this scenario over and over again in my career as a physician who emphasizes teen pregnancy and STD prevention.

In my experience, very few people feel confident in their ability to talk to and educate their teens about sex, pregnancy, and STDs. Even some of my wonderful, highly skilled professional colleagues have expressed near panic when their child became a tween or teen, and they realized that they didn't know what to say about sex or how to say it. This kind of reaction is mirrored in parents from all walks of life; from experienced executives who supervise large teams of people and service workers who regularly communicate with all kinds of customers, to stay-at-home moms who are top volunteers. They all share the same uneasiness about talking with their kids about sex.

As a parent, not only do I have empathy, but I can say, "I've been there too" in dealing with the angst and complexities surrounding this critical task.

As a physician, I know that you, as parents, definitely possess the basic skills you need to protect your kids and to effectively guide them about this very important topic. These basic skills, however, need to be refreshed with up-to-date knowledge about teen sexual health, improved communication know-how, and a decidedly positive attitude. By the time you finish this book, you'll have the tools you need to be full participants in successfully and proactively parenting your teens. Where you once felt insecure, you'll become confident, and what once seemed like an awkward conversation will be transformed into highly effective communication.

Preventing teen pregnancy and STDs and raising sexually healthy children requires frequent, ongoing conversations about sex, and consistent pointers and reminders. Unfortunately, too many parents evade this task. The magnitude of parental reluctance to discuss sex with their kids is highlighted in a recent survey in which the vast majority of parents of 10-to 12-year-old children attending focus groups felt that they should talk to their children about sex, but many had not done so. The two top barriers reported by these parents were feeling uncomfortable and thinking that someone else would be better at it.

Another recent survey concluded that many parents and teens do not talk about sex before the kids engage in sex. This information reflects the large communication divide that too often exists between parents and teens.

Parents—it's not enough to keep your fingers crossed about your teens and sex. Not only can you have a huge impact on teen sexual health and prevention of teen pregnancy and STDs, but you can't afford not to. You'll learn more about the consequences of teen sex, pregnancy, and STDs in upcoming chapters.

Remember that you're not alone if you feel cautious or nervous about talking with your teens about sex. Remember, too, that this isn't the first time you've felt uncertain about a parenting issue. As an obstetrician, I've had a bird's-eye view of parenting concerns that arise as soon as the bundle of joy arrives.

First-time parents especially crave information about infant care. They're not sure if their baby is getting enough milk, sleeping too much or too little, peeing or pooping enough, and much more. New mothers often find that breastfeeding doesn't come as naturally as they thought and require much assistance and support.

With help from caring family members and health care providers, new moms and dads gradually learn what's normal and what's not, what to watch out for, and how to competently care for their newborn. These parents already possessed the basic intuition and skills necessary to provide for their newborn; they just needed additional knowledge, support, and guidance.

Just as moms and dads achieve successful parenting of their infants, they also effectively guide their children through many subsequent phases. Sometimes, parental instinct may have been all that was needed. However, at other times outside advice or further education or research was necessary.

Consider just a few of the milestones that you have helped your child reach:

Mastering toilet training OK, this may have been your least favorite task. No doubt, it took plenty of patience and persistence. Learning basic safety awareness You taught your children not to play in the streets, never to accept a ride from strangers, and to always wear seat belts. These required setting clear rules, as well as explaining the harm that can occur if these rules are broken. Riding a bicycle Many parents take tremendous pride and joy in helping their child attain this skill. The mastery of this task often leads to a closer parent/child bond. Handling childhood skirmishes and disappointments Teaching children to handle conflict and unhappy situations in life is critical to their achieving emotional health. This requires emotional insight on the part of parents. Sometimes, assistance from school counselors or other professionals may be needed. Understanding the dangers of tobacco, underage alcohol use, and illegal drug use This requires education by parents as well as supervision and vigilance. School programs such as DARE and health care provider-led discussions can complement and support parental efforts. In each of these tasks and in so many others, you have shown your ability to teach, protect, and demonstrate concern and love for your child. In the same way and by incorporating many of the same principles, you can also successfully guide your child through today's very challenging sexual landscape. As with every other task, there will be difficult and trying times, but also rewarding and bonding experiences. There may be times when you'll wish you had a 24-hour camera to monitor your child, but the options in this book will help you eliminate that type of thinking.

The key is to approach the task of sex education for your child with the same assurance you had when handling other parenting tasks in your child's life. You needed to be patient and persistent, set clear expectations and rules, share pride, joy, and emotional intimacy, supervise and be ever-vigilant, and seek outside resources and support when needed. I'll reinforce how to do that throughout the book.

Along with relaxing a bit and realizing that you've already mastered core parenting skills and can use many of these same skills when it comes to sex education, I also urge you to develop and to express an attitude of optimism. What does optimism have to do with teens and sex? The answer is plenty, and here's why.

The teen years are often feared as difficult, tumultuous, and trying. It's as if this phase is something that parents can thank their lucky stars if they "survive." I know the teen years are not totally blissful or stress-free, but despite some of the difficulties that go along with this phase in your child's life, you can choose to approach your tweens and teens from a point of view that reflects optimism. Simply put, this means expecting positive behaviors and outcomes and creating the kind of atmosphere that promotes them.

After all, more often than not, our tweens and teens bring great joy to our lives. Whether they're excelling academically, in sports, or the arts, or demonstrating loyalty to their friends and family, how often have you felt pride?

Too often, we focus on teens as people "at risk." They are at risk for getting into trouble, using drugs, doing less than admirably in school, having sex, or getting pregnant, etc. What if that mind-set were changed and teens were expected to achieve academically, develop their interests, pursue their passions, serve their community, and avoid peer pressure to engage in early and/or risky sexual behavior?

So many teens make positive contributions to our world. They volunteer to serve the needy; represent their schools and communities in academic contests, sporting events, and artistic endeavors; collect money to aid those affected by natural disasters, and much more.

By viewing our teens through a prism of optimism, we set high expectations. When it comes to sex, this means envisioning that our children will listen to our advice, resist sexual pressure from peers, respect themselves, and think as well as act responsibly. In a broader sense, it can mean that we can trust that our teens will see the vast opportunities they have to succeed in life and work toward realizing their goals.

This optimism also extends to your attitude toward your ability to be effective parents. Remember, you have already demonstrated your competence in parenting in other areas. The skills needed to educate your child about sex are very similar to the skills you used to oversee other important tasks and achievements. You can and must believe in yourselves, just as you believe in your teen. This sentiment is beautifully summed up here.

We must return optimism to our parenting, to focus on the joys, not the hassles; the love, not the disappointments; the common sense, not the complexities. —Fred G. Gosman

Unlike the actor who felt like he was "drowning" at the prospect of talking with his daughter about sex, you'll have the information in Before It's Too Late to help you brave these waters with a sense of trust in your basic ability to successfully parent your child with enhanced knowledge, improved communication skills, and a positive, optimistic outlook.

Chapter Two

Teen Sexual Behavior: Changes and Challenges

Adolescence is a period of rapid changes. Between the ages of 12 and 17, for example, a parent ages as much as 20 years. —Unknown

When it comes to teens and sex, as parents we tend to allow fear and worry to interfere with our understanding of the issues and our ability to proactively guide our children. We also underestimate the huge difference we can make in positively influencing our children's attitudes and behavior. We have more power than we might realize—teens surveyed continually identify their parents as most influential in their decisions about sex. To help you wield that influence effectively, this chapter describes what you need to know about current teen sexual attitudes and behavior. With this information, you'll be less likely to duck into denial by thinking "my child doesn't do that," or "my child would never do that," and be better prepared to talk with and guide your teen calmly and honestly.

What's Changed?

How much has really changed since you were a teen? A minority of today's parents were a part of the 1960s sexual revolution. Slogans from that period included "Free Love" and "Make Love, Not War." Compared with that era, the sexual climate for today's teens may actually be more subdued. A recent article in a prominent U.S. newspaper confirmed this view, stating, "today's teenagers are more conservative about sex than previous generations."

So what has changed? According to the most recent National Youth Risk Behavior Survey of ninth to 12th grade students, fewer students report they "ever had sexual intercourse" today compared to 1991. Does this mean that we need to be less concerned about teen sex behavior? The answer is that parents have plenty to be concerned about. As we'll learn, teen pregnancy and STD rates are staggering and the need for alarm remains high.

Parents must also take care to keep abreast of the significant transformation that has occurred in our society, especially since they were teens. We now have more displays of sex in the media and more explicit music lyrics. Hip-hop songs like "I Can Tell You Wanna F—" by 504 Boyz are commonplace. Our kids have new gadgets to transmit and view more sexual material (cell phones, iPods, video games, personal computers). And, we have a greater acceptance of unmarried sex and out-of-wedlock births in our communities.

What hasn't changed, however, are the hopes and dreams parents have for their children, and the worries they have about them. The columnist Ellen Goodman tapped into this sentiment: "The central struggle of parenthood is to let our hopes for our children outweigh our fears."

This is also my hope for you as you read this chapter. You will learn much about current teen sex attitudes and behavior. This information will allow you not only to become a better prepared parent, but a more empowered one.

Before It's Too Late

Despite what our teens might have us believe, as parents we are good for more than money and food. Our ability to clearly and consistently voice our values, our willingness to listen to our teens, and our vigilance in calmly and honestly describing the behavior we expect all profoundly influence our teens, eye-rolling and sighs notwithstanding. Think back on your own experience as a teen. Were there rules or boundaries you deeply resented at the time? Did you later grudgingly accept that maybe your parents were right or even feel thankful that they placed limitations on you? Or you may have had the opposite experience, where no parent was available to guide you, especially where sex was concerned. If that was true in your case, you now have the opportunity with your teen to offer the direction and safety net you didn't have.

Trends in Teen Sex

As noted, fewer teens are having sexual intercourse than they were in 1991, and fewer say they have had sexual intercourse with four or more persons. That's the good news. However, although teen sex has declined since 1991, we're still looking at a situation where more than six in ten 12th grade high school students have had sexual intercourse.

(Continues...)

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Excerpted from BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE by SHEILA OVERTON Treacy Colbert Copyright © 2010 by Sheila Overton, MD. Excerpted by permission of iUniverse, Inc.. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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Table of Contents

Contents

Introduction by Sheila M. Overton, M.D....................xv
Chapter 1: Protecting Your Teen: Sharpening Skills for a New Phase....................1
Chapter 2: Teen Sexual Behavior: Changes and Challenges....................9
Chapter 3: Teen Pregnancy: Changed Lives, Untold Consequences....................33
Chapter 4: Sexually Transmitted Diseases: What Parents and Teens May Not Know....................55
Chapter 5: Talking with and Guiding Your Teen About Sex: What Parents Really Need to Know....................77
Chapter 6: Abstinence: There's More to Discuss Than Saying 'No' to Sex....................101
Chapter 7: Contraception for Teens: Myths, Unique Needs, and More....................117
Chapter 8: Beyond Vaccines: What Parents Need to Know to Prevent Teen STDs....................145
Chapter 9: Pearls of Wisdom....................167
Chapter 10: You Are Not Alone: Support Made Simple....................181
References....................197
Index....................215