Being Esther: A Novelby Miriam Karmel
“Growing old is one of the most surprising things that has happened to her. She hadn’t given it any thought. Then one day, she was eighty-five. She is old. Not just old, but an object of derision, pity. Is there any use explaining that she is still herselfalbeit a slower, achier, creakier version of the original?” from Being Esther<… See more details below
“Growing old is one of the most surprising things that has happened to her. She hadn’t given it any thought. Then one day, she was eighty-five. She is old. Not just old, but an object of derision, pity. Is there any use explaining that she is still herselfalbeit a slower, achier, creakier version of the original?” from Being Esther
Born to parents who fled the shtetl, Esther Lustig has led a seemingly conventional lifemarriage, two children, a life in suburban Chicago. Now, at the age of eighty-five, her husband is deceased, her children have families of their own, and most of her friends are gone. Even in this diminished condition, life has its moments of richness, as well as its memorable characters. But above all there are the memories. Of better days with Marty, her husband. Of unrealized obsessions with other men.
As she moves back and forth through time, Esther attempts to come to terms with the meaning of her outwardly modest life. As a young woman, she wondered about the world beyond the narrow, prescribed world she inhabited. Now, cruelly, she can’t help but wonder if she has done anything for which she will be remembered.
At once sad and amusing, unpretentious yet wonderfully ambitious, Miriam Karmel’s debut novel brings understanding and tremendous empathy to the unforgettable Esther Lustig.
A journalist and freelance writer, Miriam Karmel has published writing in AARP The Magazine, Minnesota Women’s Press, Bellevue Literary Review, and Minnesota Monthly. She lives in Minneapolis, Minnesota and Sandisfield, Massachusetts. Being Esther is her first novel.
"Karmel’s novel of womanhood, the love and strife between mothers and daughters, marital dead zones, and the baffling metamorphosis of age is covertly complex, quietly incisive, and stunning in its emotional richness." Booklist
“Deeply moving.... Being Esther is a spare book with cosmic implications and a huge heart." Lilith Magazine
"A deliciously funny and tender novel." BookWomen
"Full of emotion and wisdom about aging and finding meaning from a well-lived life.... While reading this lovely book, I felt as if I were reconnecting to the women in my life of Esther's generation. I savored it and did not want it to end." NA'AMAT Women Magazine
"Readers of any age will long for more Esther." ForeWord
"A tale worth telling and reading." Jewish Book Council
"[An] accomplished debut" Minneapolis Star Tribune
"Being Esther...will linger long in readers' minds and hearts.” St. Paul Pioneer Press
"A delight." The American Jewish World
"Being Esther is impossible to put down. Margot Livesey
"A small masterpiece." Faith Sullivan, author of Gardenias
"Wryly funny and always (sometimes painfully) honest." Rosellen Brown
"A small gema beautiful, funny and sad meditation on life and old age." Ellen Burns, Books on the Common, Ridgefield, CT
"A wonderful portrait of a seemingly simple life." Karen Frank, Northshire Bookstore, Manchester Center, VT
"What a delightful book, even if it did end up making me cry." Jackie Blem, The Tattered Cover Bookstore, Denver CO
"The possibilities for inter-generational discussions are limitless." Nancy Simpson-Brice, Book Vault, Oskaloosa, IA
"I was charmed by Esther’s wonderful observations of life, her love of literature and clarity of vision."
Terri Weiner, Village Books, Bellingham, WA
"Being Esther should be required reading by all we Baby Boomers as we think about our parents' and our own last years." Keri Rojas, Cornerstone Cottage Kids, Hampton, IA
"Pitch perfect." Ellen Sandmeyer, Sandmeyer's Bookstore, Chicago, IL
"A beautiful, touching novel." Pierre Camy, Schuler Books, Grand Rapids, MI
"A beautiful, touching story filled with humor, compassion." Anderson McKean, Page & Palette Books, Fairhope, AL
"A thoughtful and lively meditation." Lisa Boudain, Books & Company, Okonomowoc, WI
"Richly complex and loveable." David Unowsky, SubText Bookstore, St. Paul, MN
"A gem." Rabbi Stacy Offner, Temple Beth Tikvah, Madison, CT
“Very much like Stewart O'nan's Emily, Alone, Being Esther is a beautiful and finely crafted novel.” Rabbi Danielle Leshaw, Director, Hillel at Ohio University
“A loving portrayal of a woman’s last chapter." Rabbi Sandy Bogin, Jewish Home Lifecare
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Read an Excerpt
By Miriam Karmel
Milkweed EditionsCopyright © 2013 Miriam Karmel
All rights reserved.
Five people. The Markels, should they answer, will make six and seven.
Esther has been working her way through the alphabet, phoning the numbers in the tooled-leather address book her mother once brought back from a temple tour to Israel, one she'd picked up in the souk and gave to Esther for her twenty-ninth birthday. It took Esther a year before she dared to write on the creamy vellum, making the first entries with the silver fountain pen her mother-in-law had given her as an engagement present. Soon enough, she was using anything at hand—pencils, ballpoints, felt-tip pens that bled through to the other side.
Now the pages are riddled with slashes. In fifty-five years people move—like the Markels, who le" Chicago for Phoenix after Buddy retired. Her sister Anna moved so often Esther had to start a second page, though she still hasn't drawn a line through Anna's last entry, the place on Fourteenth Street in Santa Monica.
Esther makes her calls from the kitchen table, where she can gaze out the window at the changing sky or at the pedestrians passing by. In the other direction she can see, across the divider into the living room, the few familiar furnishings she and Marty had moved from the house on Shady Hill Road—the mahogany breakfront, one of the matching love seats they'd bought on sale at Marshall Field's, the red leather easy chair, a couple of paintings. The gilt-framed mirror that used to grace their old foyer is now wedged onto a patch of wall between the two small rooms.
They'd moved the old rotary phone, too. Esther prefers it to the infantilizing portable phone with the oversized buttons that Ceely gave her for Mother's Day. She misplaces it. And she finds it disconcerting that she can be anywhere—even the bathroom—while speaking to some unsuspecting person on the other end. Besides, she enjoys the mild exertion of rotating a dial, the steadying effect it has on her trembling hand.
The Markels' phone is ringing. Esther resists the urge to hang up, telling herself the odds are in her favor; this time somebody will answer. Twice already, as she has worked her way through the book, answering machines have informed Esther that the number she dialed was, in fact, the number she dialed. The first time she got a machine she panicked and hung up. The second time, she was prepared. "Hi! This is Esther Lustig. Remember me? I was just calling ..."
Then Marty interrupts. Even in death his gravelly voice intrudes. Essie, Essie. After all these years, a person doesn't call just like that. Out of the blue. Use your head.
Setting the receiver down, she looks across the table, as if her husband were sitting there working the crossword puzzle or finishing his second cup of coffee. "And why not out of the blue?" she demands.
Marty is forever looking over her shoulder, monitoring her every move, offering unsolicited advice. After he died, after she le$ him at Waldheim on that bitter afternoon wrapped in his flimsy prayer shawl, le$ him with the gravediggers who were off to the side, not so patiently revving their backhoes as the last mourners tossed dirt on his coffin, after all that, she had expected that finally she'd get some peace and quiet. Not that she doesn't miss him. Marty's absence is palpable.
Now she consoles herself that friends lose touch, not intentionally, but because eleven years ago you made a mental note to give someone a call and then the days slipped by. Of course, that wouldn't satisfy Marty, who always had to analyze every little thing, examine it from this angle and that. If Esther lost her temper, burned a pot roast, forgot to pick up the dry cleaning—he would draw a line clear back to her childhood.
While the Markels' phone rings, Esther glances at her leather book, the blur of lines running through the names. What if Sonia isn't there?
Gently, she sets the receiver back in its cradle. The last number she dialed had been reassigned, though Esther still wasn't ready to draw a line through Charlene Fink's name. And when she phoned Sadie Sherman, Emily answered, all grown-up and pleasant enough, though Esther still recalled the colicky baby who had grown into a churlish child and then an insubordinate teen. Emily informed Esther that she and her sisters were sorting through their mother's belongings. "Mom moved to assisted living last month." Windy Shores or Cedar Hollow—the name sounds like the overnight camps the children once attended. Esther tries picturing Sadie, who'd run a successful travel agency for twenty-nine years, making lanyards or pot holders or clay pinch pots.
Esther takes a deep breath as she prepares to redial the Markels. She hopes that Sonia will be the one to pick up, though at this point it will be a relief to get anyone on the other end, even prickly old Buddy. BM, they'd called him behind his back.
The phone rings twice. Three times. Four. She is about to hang up, when someone answers. A man. "Hello!" she blurts. "This is Esther Lustig calling." When the man doesn't reply, she repeats her name, and then, always quick on his feet (Buddy and Sonia were remarkable dancers—tango, cha-cha, rumba, you name it), Buddy cries, "Esther! Esther Lustig! Is that really you?"
Giddy with excitement, she practically bursts from her seat, as if they were rushing headlong to embrace. "I suppose it is!" she exclaims, her hand flying to her head as if to affirm her identity. Oddly, she feels reassured by the so" nimbus of hair, which is as familiar as the sound of her own voice. Then she catches her reflection in the old gilt-framed mirror. There she is, the same basic model: green eyes, coppery-blond hair, broad forehead, and the full mouth, which she has been painting the same shade of red since college. With her free hand, she adjusts her silver glasses and recalls Marty saying that when she removed them she looked like Judy Holliday. After Marty got sick she let the blond go, but the steely gray reminded her of cloistered nuns, and soon she was coloring it again.
She's held on to her figure, more or less, carefully selecting her garments to compensate for the less. Other than the loss of an inch or two—she stands just a bit over five feet—everything is the same. Yet nothing is. She has become a caricature of herself.
"Yes, it's me," she sighs, sinking back into her chair. "It's Esther. Esther Lustig."
Then Marty is back, accusing her, in a high-pitched falsetto, of behaving like a schoolgirl. I suppose it is. Esther. Esther Lustig.
Placing her hand over the receiver, she tells him to shut up. "Am-scray! Get out of my hair!"
"What was that, Esther?" Buddy says.
"The cat," she lies. "He was clawing the sofa."
Animated by her anger and pleased with the convincing riposte (Buddy wouldn't know, but Sonia would, that Esther loathes cats, that she once drove the family tabby, who'd been clawing the furniture, to a secluded ravine off Sheridan Road, where she released it into the wild), Esther launches into her spiel, the one she's been honing since the first few awkward calls. She no longer lets on that she is going through her address book, checking to see who is here and who has gone to the other side. After that rather indelicate attempt at gallows humor fell flat, she started telling people that she's been sorting through boxes of old photos. "And you'll never guess what I came across," she says.
The picture she describes to Buddy was taken at a college dance. "Sonia's in it," she tells him. "Along with me and Ruthie and Helen. We were the Starrlites. With a double r, like Brenda Starr! And that silly play on light." They'd adored Brenda, she tells Buddy. "She was so thoroughly modern, and she had that boyfriend with the mysterious eye patch and the dashing name. Basil. Basil St. John." Esther repeats Basil's name, as if she were under a spell induced to unleash ancient memories. She studies the picture. "ere they are, the four Starrlites—and their dates. Was it on a dare that they'd all hopped up on the bandstand during the musicians' break and mugged for the camera, pretending to play the instruments? She's forgotten the names of the young men, except for her date—Jackson Pflug. Who can forget a name like that? Sonia will remember the others, though she probably won't recall any better than Esther how they'd managed to round up four men in those days. Esther probably encouraged Jackson to dance with the girls who came alone because she remembers dancing with Sonia, wishing she were with Marty, who had been shipped off to Holland shortly after they'd met. Sonia smelled faintly of lily of the valley, and when Esther rested her head on Sonia's shoulder and felt Sonia's sweet, warm breath on her neck while the band played "I'll Be Seeing You," she was glad Jackson was dancing with some other girl. Poor Jack. In two months, he would be killed in the Siege of Bastogne.
"I don't know what got into us," she tells Buddy. "You should see Helen, perched on the piano, legs crossed, open-toed shoes peeking out from under a long, flowing skirt. Remember Ruthie? She's blowing a sax. I'm at the drums. And Sonia. Sonia is hugging the bass, beaming. Her hair is swept up to one side, with a flower pinned in it."
"A flower!" Buddy exclaims, as if he's never heard anything so extraordinary. "What kind?"
"Why, I don't know," Esther stammers, irritated that he'd ask about a flower, rather than the name of Sonia's date or even what Sonia was wearing, until she remembers that Buddy is a landscape architect and might reasonably wonder about such things. Then it occurs to her that Buddy is retired, in which case it might be more accurate to say, "He was a landscape architect." Is. Was. She wishes there were better road maps for growing old.
Lately, Esther has been preoccupied with such thoughts, though she keeps them to herself. If Ceely knew, she'd have her in assisted living faster than you can say "Bingo!" Esther plans to die first.
Buddy is still going on about the flower. Should she make something up? Gardenia? Orchid? Esther's earliest (and unhappy) exposure to flowers occurred during the two weeks each summer when her parents rented a room in the Dunes from Mrs. Zaretsky, a sharp-tongued woman who used to come tearing out of her kitchen, apron flapping, to scold the children in Russian if they got anywhere near her dusty flower bed. Later, when Esther and Marty started to travel, she expanded her understanding of flora, but it was mostly limited to the names of plants that grew abundantly in sultry places—bird-of-paradise, calla lily, jacaranda.
Hastening to change the subject, she reports that Sonia is wearing an embroidered blouse with flounce sleeves. "It's the kind you might bring back from a foreign market," she tells Buddy. "Then one day, you see it hanging in your closet and wonder, 'What on earth was I thinking?' But Sonia had flair. On her, it doesn't look like a costume."
"Sonia's uncle lived in Mexico City," Buddy says. "Her folks drove down there once a year. They'd return with a carload of silver pins and bracelets, straw chairs for the children, wool shawls, and embroidered blouses. Lou had dreams of starting an import-export business."
"I remember," Esther lies. Then she reminds Buddy of the winters their group spent in San Miguel. Every January, once all the kids were in college, the Starrlites and their husbands took rooms at the old Aristos Hotel. They set up house for a month, with their toasters and coffee pots and electric fry pans. In the evenings, they gathered for cocktails.
"Sonia made the best margaritas," Esther says.
"It was the limes," Buddy remarks, and suddenly Esther remembers how stingy he'd been with praise. It wasn't the limes, she wants to say. Instead, she asks if he remembers the parrot that lived in the Aristos courtyard, and when he says, "Can't say that I do," she decides she's had about all she can take of Buddy Markel.
It was time to put Sonia on. She'll remember. What's more, if Esther were to say, "Parrot," Sonia will mock the bird and cry, "Hola!" And Esther will feel as if she's come home, that at long last she's returned to the place where you don't need reminding that the front door sticks or the toilet handle needs jiggling or the third runner on the staircase is loose. Sonia will recall how the parrot squawked until Lolita, the hotel's duenna, fed it breakfast.
Then Esther will say, "Papaya and banana."
"Yes," Sonia will exclaim. "The same fruits she left in baskets outside our doors each morning."
"With the bread."
"From the panaderia down the road!"
Sonia will remember it all. She'll vouch for Esther's memories; she will validate Esther's existence.
The first time Sonia followed Esther home after school, a carp, which Esther's mother had bought at the kosher market on Kedzie Avenue, was swimming in the bathtub. Esther hadn't wanted Sonia to see the fish flopping around in the rusty tub. She'd already been to her friend's home where Sonia's mother had been seated at a desk writing letters on pale blue stationery, a cardigan with pearl buttons draped across her shoulders. Esther told her new friend that until the fateful day when her mother knocked the fish out with a wooden mallet, chopped it up, ground it and shaped it into fish patties, she loved perching on the toilet seat and reaching into the tub to feed it bits of lettuce and crusts of bread. "It was the closest thing we ever had to a family pet," she confessed.
The carp had fascinated and delighted Sonia, who'd never known anyone who made gefilte fish from scratch. And though Esther knew such people existed (her family mocked and pitied them), she hadn't known anyone who bought the fish in jars.
Sonia will remember it all: Esther's aversion to cats, the parrot, the fish, the names of those grinning young men.
"Put her on," she says to Buddy. "Put Sonia on."
"Oh, Esther," he moans.
A heavy silence engulfs the space between them. How could she have been so reckless? So presumptuous? Put Sonia on! As if they were in Mexico and she just dialed the Markels' room (they always stayed in number 7).
Yet she can still hear the squawking parrot, taste the papaya, smell the sweet panaderia breads. She has been so transported by memory that when Buddy says, "I'm afraid that won't be possible," Esther expects him to explain that Sonia has run out to the market for more limes.
Excerpted from Being Esther by Miriam Karmel. Copyright © 2013 by Miriam Karmel. Excerpted by permission of Milkweed Editions.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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